Thursday, December 29, 2005

I'm Not Home!

Merry Christmas to me. Forget everyone else. Next Christmas I'm going to pretend I'm not home. I'm going to see how long that lasts. I have too much family. I need to shave a bit off. I can't figure out where to put them all...they take up so much space. Space that I need to fill with cocktails and witty poltical jokes, and gossip about who's dating who. I need that space for frivolous self-involved things. But Christmas forces me to be flexible and I don't like being flexible. It's too exhausting.

I tell you what helps, though. Presents. Glorious presents. Something about ripping open paper, none of this gift bag nonsense, but ripping open and truly wasting hoardes of colorful wrapping paper...there's just nothing that can compare. The sheer excess of it all truly delights me, like the window of a candy store to a little brat. Like Las Vegas to the middle class.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Serious Lack of a Picture

I can't stop singing Christmas songs. It's like a sickness. I'm not merry or drunk off the nog. I'm not an over-decorator, I don't have a tree. I don't get it. I can't stop singing the stupid songs. Is it because I have all my shopping done a whole week before Christmas? Is it because my headband is too tight and it's squeezing my brain? The possibilities are endless. I just can't imagine. Perhaps the songs have subliminal messages that say "sing me or I'll eat your children". Yes, that must be it.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Bleating Lambs

What the fuck is the point of a paper towel company whose paper towels do not tear at the perforated edge? I am confounded by this. This has become my own personal symbolic proof that America is fucked.

My step-dad had a VCR for over ten years. It was silver and heavy and the size of a record player, but it worked for TEN years. I've had my DVD player for 2 years and it's starting to sound like a bleating lamb when I try to play a disc. Lambs bleat, right? Anyway, it's cool looking and silver and has lots of pretty flashy lights, but what does that matter if it's going to end up in a landfill within two years? Aren't we supposed to be reducing waste at this point in history? With all this recycling, why are companies making big heavy plastic pieces of shit that can't be gotten rid of any other way than dumping it within two years of purchase? I know the answer to this is "money", but it pisses me off all the same.

My main issue with all of this is that the system was invented by men. Stupid, silly, illogical men. The same men that take you out on a date...seem to really like that they liked you...and then never call again. They are the reason for paper towels that don't tear and landfills overflowing with wasted DVD players. If women were in charge, everything would be re-usable and smell like lavender.