So, without further ado...
Reasons Why Viggo Mortensen is Hot:
2. He can rock long hair and not look...you know
3. His name is 'Viggo'...which is Danish for 'hot'. Not really, but it should be
4. He can rock a slicked back pompadour and not look...you know
5. He seems like he might be tall
6. I can watch him put a cigarette out on his tongue and think "yummy"
7. Cary Grant chin…few can pull it off…so many try
8. He’s a poet and a painter and I still like him (turn offs. What.)
9. I never see him in gossip rags or on dlisted
10. The sauna scene in Eastern Promises
11. He's hot because there's ten whole reasons why he's hot
I hope you all enjoy the fact that I review movies way the fuck after everyone else has already seen them. I know I do.
Eastern Promises…no wait…let me back up. I am not the world’s biggest David Cronenberg fan. This is mainly because I’m too weak-stomached to handle middle school health films let alone the bloodbaths that this guy directs. I’m concerned about the man. Someone needs to make sure puppies aren’t being tortured in his basement for inspiration. Anyway, I am one of four people of my aquaintence that didn’t pee themselves over History of Violence. This was…as many movies are to me…almost a good movie. It had all this promise in the beginning…and then it fucking TANKED. I’d like to blame Maria Bello…but I can’t. It's not her fault this time.
So, when the preview for Eastern Promises came on…I was intrigued, but not enough to go see it. I figured it would be a disappointing squibfest and it would tarnish the hotness of Viggo. Besides…Naomi Watts only has one facial expression. Dumbfounded. But, you know…then Netflix happened and *poof* it arrived on my doorstep. Or mailbox. Or mailbox a cote d’my doorstep. And I watched it. And now tattoos for everyone!
Seriously though…the plot interested me, the violence, though squibtastically gushy, was “tasteful” given the subject matter…and, um…the sauna scene was nice. I walked away from it with an interest in learning a bit more about the Russian Mafia and mild disappointment that Vincent Cassel didn’t do any of that kick ass capoeira shit over laser beams like in Oceans 12. Though to link it in plot-wise, but that's what screenwriters are for. What I’m saying here is that I didn’t hate it. And I was ready to. And then there was the sauna scene. Did I mention that already? Hmmm.
If that doesn’t get you to rent it…then fuck you, I give up.