Vacay, Bitches.

Going down south to play chicken with skin cancer. I may pop in when I can no longer move from eating too much crawfish...but don't hold your breath.

Or hold it...whatever.

Simplicty is Subjective...And So's Your Face

I don't know if you know anything about Scandanavian design, but let me tell you right now, having been to Ikea doesn't count. With Scandinavian design, the goal is to achieve both minimalism and complexity with a hint of functionality drizzed over the top. And at the end of the process, what you're left with is housewares.






Like this:


I'm not sure what this is.






Arlie, one of my oldest and bestest friends from way back in the ten years when we were exchange students together asked me to be his plus one to a wine and cheese thing at some fancy pants home store in the Pearl. I can't say no to free wine.



We wandered about the place for a good half hour or more, picking things up and putting them back down, sometimes dropping them because minimalist housewares are often slippery.





There were a lot of conversations that started with him handing a thing to me with a:






"What do you think this is?"

I hold it up. Turn it back and forth.

"I think it's a bottle opener. See, you open it with the metal part."

"Ok, now turn it over."

The little tag on the underside said door stop. No joke. That's it. To
the left there. Door stop.



And it went on and on. Because the keys for the keyrings aren't actually in the store. No. In the store, it's just a hunk of rounded silver just sitting there. Expensive, with no apparent function. Except to make me crazy.




It's like a puzzle. Only once you solve it, there's something right next to it that's just as puzzling.

Of course, it's all cool looking as hell. But the mental capacity required for shopping in such an establishment is completely lacking in someone like me. Even with wine.

But I have to love the Scans with their wacky language and odd pickled fishes. It's a love Arlie and I share. And you know what else Arlie and I share? Awesome blogs.

Isn't that a lovely segue? Into THIS...a gorgeous blog about eating good food affordably. Of course, there's a distinct Portlandly slant since that's where he lives, but food knows no borders so go to it already. You'll never have to menu plan again (as Brendan is soon to find out when I inform him). Eat well friends. But only from functional tablewear.

Foodie for Less

And if you feel like solving puzzles. Here's the store with the door stop.

What can brown do for you?

Surprise!!! Didn't think I'd be back again this year, did you? I didn't either. But today was a very special day. A momentous, blog-worthy, mark-your-calendar kind of day and I feel the need to share the news with the world at large. No, I didn't win a contest to meet Johnny Depp at his villa in the South of France, but something equally as exciting has occurred -- my little boy went poo on the potty. I KNOW! I am so freaking proud of him I could just burst. I feel like Gob when he got on the cover of POOF magazine... it's that kind of joy.

Seriously, up until today this kid had zero interest in using the potty, this is even after bribing him with a Thomas train set (yes, I pulled out the big guns here). We got the little red potty seat, the cute designer kid underpants, we made a whole sticker chart -- the whole nine yards. He was totally into the concept at first, but it just wasn't clicking and frustration was setting in. So I gave up, resigned myself to another year+ of changing giant poo diapers. Then, lo and behold, out of the blue and in the middle of chicken nugget dinner tonight he says, "I wanna go poo-poo." I quickly picked my jaw up off the floor, hauled him off to the bathroom and he sat there and did his business. It was magical. I almost cried.

So there you go, people. A heartwarming tale the whole family can enjoy. You're welcome. And as a bonus, I wrote a little song about it that goes something like this...

Who knew a poo could make me feel the way I do?

I'm still working on it.

How I Love a Catchphrase

Not since the invention of the giant Cheeto have I been so annoyed with the crap this country comes up with. You'll see why in a moment.

But first...

I love it when people begin conversations with "In this economy...". I want to apply it to everything.

"In this economy, my toenails should be blue."

"In this economy, I will have chili for dinner."

"In this economy, I'd still pay $10 to see Drag Me to Hell."

"In this economy, stirrup pants should not happen."

See how well that works?

So...in this economy - I find the existence of things like The World Cruise Ship highly offensive. Go to that site. Go to it. Do it. It's a cruise ship you can live on. You can pay a couple million for a studio - pre-furnished and decorated an various shades of beige that takes you to exotic places like Brazil, France, South Africa...and Portland?

(excuse the poorly structured camera phone pick from the other side of the bridge)

How is that travel? Honestly. You step off the boat for a day trip to some ruins on Capri and are back on board in time for all you can eat lobster and that struggling stand-up comedian who does Social Security gags. And somehow, you have to make it back to Phoenix for that dental cleaning next month. Better book a flight from Madrid.

That's their life. Weird.

The ship has since sailed. Here's to hoping their next port isn't Iran. Day trips to Tehran may not end well. The footage from there is breaking my heart. Not in the same way this stupid boat is. And the Cheetos...oh the Cheetos.

What Artichokes Say About People

Everything you need to know about someone can be determined based on their relationship with artichokes.

Loves them in all natural and processed forms of gloriousness:
Can speak to forest creatures. And fairies. Occasionally grants wishes

Likes the fresh hearts but doesn't dig teeth-scraping the leafy goodness:
Might sell your baby to gypsies for gambling monies

Only likes the hearts when marinated in a jar/can:
Indecisive with a propensity to commit armed robbery

Doesn't like them at all:
Serial killer

Is unfamiliar with them on the whole:
Survived a long smuggling-related imprisonment on a deserted island.

Feel free to print this guide out and keep it in your wallet. That way you can refer to it if you ever come up against someone you're not sure about. It may just save your life one day. Or something.

kara out.