I am at my wits end! A situation of catastrophic proportions has arisen between two of my dearest family members, and all attempts on my part to make amends between them has failed. I fear I need the assistance that only you, the U.S. Secretary of State, Chief of the World Police, and Architect of Truce between Israel and Palestine, can give me! How can I make my two darling fuzzy kitties get along? Persi, the queen female will randomly whack Cosmo, the male, soundly on the head for deigning to cross her path on the way to the litter box. In retaliation, Cosmo will casually piss on her favorite napping spot (which thankfully, is the bathtub.) Persi retaliates by shoving him away from his food plate at dinner time, and Cosmo refuses to eat from her plate. As a consequence, Persi is getting fat, and Cosmo is strung out. Last weekend, he spent an hour leaping, running, and pouncing all over the furniture, presumably chasing minature Persi-figments from his imagination. SHE, elderly lump that she is, slept through it all. So, dearest Condi, what should I do? How can I get these two adorable, darling, lovable animals to cuddle and lick each other's heads?
Sincerely,
Clinging to sanity (Rachel)
First of all, CTS...or "Rachel", as I like to call you...I need to know exactly how one ('one' being either cat or human) casually pisses. And furthermore...what is the difference between a casual piss and a formal piss?
But seriously, girl...here's what needs to happen:
You need to send Cosmo to rehab to thwart the strung-outness...preferably the one that Lohan went to...or maybe the one that worked so well for Pete Doherty?
Persi needs to go on Celebrity Fit Club. Nevermind the fact that she is A. Not a celebrity and B. A cat. The other cast members are so high on endorphins that they won't even notice. Besides...maybe through her you'll get to meet stars like that dude who played Screech on Saved By The Bell. One can dream.
While both of them are out of the house...take a vacation. Preferably somewhere like Kansas where I hear they have the world's biggest ball of twine. You'll all be fresh and ready to give cohabitation another go within a month or so. If this doesn't work...send one cat to Palestine and one cat to Israel and let them duke it out the old fashioned way. With muskets at dawn.
Your welcome.
*********
Now, I know this is in no way related...and it's totally and completely old news, but the enormity of it just hit me today. Mariska Hargitay...an actress on one of the 8 million Law and Order shows is the daughter of Jayne Mansfield, famous pin-up of the 1940s. Yes, we all knew that. Ok. But looking at her (here she is),
it's impossible to tell. She doesn't even look that much like her father...who I had to google to see what he looked like. And that's when I found this:
If there ever existed a THE MOST embarrassing picture of one's parents...this would be it. Between his pose (not to mention his package) and her tan line...well, let's just say that I'm at a loss for words. It's fantastic. And so is the fact that I used the word "enormity" up there.
