Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Condi Knows What You Need

Dear Condi:
I am at my wits end! A situation of catastrophic proportions has arisen between two of my dearest family members, and all attempts on my part to make amends between them has failed. I fear I need the assistance that only you, the U.S. Secretary of State, Chief of the World Police, and Architect of Truce between Israel and Palestine, can give me! How can I make my two darling fuzzy kitties get along? Persi, the queen female will randomly whack Cosmo, the male, soundly on the head for deigning to cross her path on the way to the litter box. In retaliation, Cosmo will casually piss on her favorite napping spot (which thankfully, is the bathtub.) Persi retaliates by shoving him away from his food plate at dinner time, and Cosmo refuses to eat from her plate. As a consequence, Persi is getting fat, and Cosmo is strung out. Last weekend, he spent an hour leaping, running, and pouncing all over the furniture, presumably chasing minature Persi-figments from his imagination. SHE, elderly lump that she is, slept through it all. So, dearest Condi, what should I do? How can I get these two adorable, darling, lovable animals to cuddle and lick each other's heads?

Clinging to sanity (Rachel)

First of all, CTS...or "Rachel", as I like to call you...I need to know exactly how one ('one' being either cat or human) casually pisses. And furthermore...what is the difference between a casual piss and a formal piss?

But seriously,'s what needs to happen:
You need to send Cosmo to rehab to thwart the strung-outness...preferably the one that Lohan went to...or maybe the one that worked so well for Pete Doherty?

Persi needs to go on Celebrity Fit Club. Nevermind the fact that she is A. Not a celebrity and B. A cat. The other cast members are so high on endorphins that they won't even notice. Besides...maybe through her you'll get to meet stars like that dude who played Screech on Saved By The Bell. One can dream.

While both of them are out of the house...take a vacation. Preferably somewhere like Kansas where I hear they have the world's biggest ball of twine. You'll all be fresh and ready to give cohabitation another go within a month or so. If this doesn't work...send one cat to Palestine and one cat to Israel and let them duke it out the old fashioned way. With muskets at dawn.

Your welcome.


Now, I know this is in no way related...and it's totally and completely old news, but the enormity of it just hit me today. Mariska actress on one of the 8 million Law and Order shows is the daughter of Jayne Mansfield, famous pin-up of the 1940s. Yes, we all knew that. Ok. But looking at her (here she is), it's impossible to tell. She doesn't even look that much like her father...who I had to google to see what he looked like. And that's when I found this:

If there ever existed a THE MOST embarrassing picture of one's parents...this would be it. Between his pose (not to mention his package) and her tan line...well, let's just say that I'm at a loss for words. It's fantastic. And so is the fact that I used the word "enormity" up there.

16 keep(s) me blogging:

The Future said...

Wow, I'm first and this is a first. Ok, enough with the firsts. I have always thought she looked like her mom through the eyes and that's basically it, luckily for her. I agree there are some parents it would be hard to live down, Cher, Frank Zappa and Donovan all come to mind. Actually, Donovan may not have had any kids in fact I'd probably be surprised if he did. OK, I feel like I'm writing a blog...done.

Rachel said...

Wow! Thanks for all the astutely sage advice Condi! I shall implement your Peace Accord immediately!

And I never knew whats-her-face was the daughter of what-their-faces. And frankly, I don't think I care. *wink*

Thanks for the laughs...

apterix55 said...

Whoa.. Hold on there Miss Blogger, Jayne Mansfield was neither a "pin-up" nor was her fame in the 1940's. She was born in 1933 and was in her ravishingly beautiful 20's in the 1950's, a time of color movies, TV and Playboy Magazine. Her screen and TV appearances were mostly in the 60's, as one young adolescent boy I know vividly remembers. I can only describe my memories of Jayne Mansfield as "enormous... absolutely enormous".

Gorilla Bananas said...

Wasn't Jayne Mansfield the bosomy female lead in the Paleface movies? I think her daughter has her eyes and boobs. Daddy has enough meat on him to feed a family of polecats for a month.

Sarah said...

Those can't be swim trunks. They're white and we all know what happens to white when it gets wet. Ew... So not only is this embarrassing for the obvious reasons, but now we know he's in his tighty whiteys.

Amber said...

Oh how you make me laugh.

I volunteered before I figured out that I didn't like the church. I was trying to find out if maybe getting involved would help me feel more comfortable. Obviously that didn't work.

You give the best advice.

Mary Witzl said...

They look very happy, but in a posed sort of way. I must admit, I prefer the look of my own parents, though they certainly posed for their share of embarrassing photos.

I loved that article about the largest ball of twine. A lot of people make fun of America just because we have a crap president and greedily consume more of the world's resources than we should. But then I see something like that ball of twine and know how great our country is.

froelica said...

Sarah- My thoughts exactly. Maybe they ARE swimtrunks, but he's wearing them as a dare. Or maybe he just wants to show everyone the enormity of his package.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Isn't her head a little small for her body? Isn't his?

Maybe it's my eyes.

I wonder if I could carry that off? That head flung back in delight at being alive thing? If you have to be able to laugh tinklingly at the same time then no, I don't believe I could. If you were allowed to grumble while you did it, merhaps.

Laura said...

Mariska's all, "Ugh! How could I have been descended from those turkeys?" Thank jeebus we don't have a photo like that of our parents to be ashamed of.

What's that? You'd like to thank me for my awesome comment and for not pointing out the glaring grammatical mistake apparent in your post? Why, you're quite welcome!

Jill said...

I think he's stuffing.

Sarah said...

Oh god, Laura you crack me up.

Kevin said...

I like Mariska Hargitay. She fapping gorgeous.

Anonymous said...

That is the ugliest swimsuit I've ever seen.

Your blog made me lol, as they say.

Kara said...

future - firsties never prosper

rachel - what can i say...i'm a giver

apterix - semantics! but you're right...i often confuse her with jean harlow. i blame the hair color.

goranas - you did not just bring the paleface movies up with me. you want to get me beat up?

sarah - yep. jane refused to let him out of the house unless he found some trunks that would match her hair. that's how accesorizing WORKS.

amber - i'm glad you made the right decision.

mary - i'll be visiting the state for the first time on thanksgiving. if i don't return, you'll know the twine got me.

fro - look at that man's biceps. you think he'd shrink from a dare? he's a MAN.

sam - i don't think you have to laugh to be alive, but you do have to be alive to laugh tinklingly. wolrds to live by.

waif - how dare you presume to know what Mariska is thinking? how dare you.

jill - with what, do you suppose?

kevbo - not a fan of ol' mum, then, eh?

elisabeth - welcome! and i'm fairly certain i've seen uglier. not too long ago, i tried on a gold one. couldn't make it work...but man, it was gloriously ugly.

Amber said...

To ask such a question, you must consider two things.

1. He's Leo Dicaprio. Even though he's not much now, he was on Growing Pains and who didn't watch that?

2. They're models. Which means they're strung out on something and probably don't even realize that they're in a car, let alone a hybrid.