Wednesday, November 14, 2007

GET A ROOM! Oh.

My upstairs neighbors have the loudest sex in the whole world. I'm convinced of it. I'm also convinced that she's faking it. More on that later.

Like clockwork, they go at it at 10:00 PM, every (almost) night. First we hear the bed bouncing and then the moans start and then...anywhere between 10:20 and 10:45 there's the ol' engine whistle. You know what I'm talking about. It oogs me out. I try not to go into the room til after the witching hour, but damnit...sometimes I'm really tired and just want to go to sleep...sometimes we're trying to watch a movie...I mean...it's our BEDROOM, for chrissakes! They shouldn't get to have two!

So how do I know she's faking it? Well, I don't know if any of you out there have ever had sex
...but let me just say, it's rarely the EXACT same experience every time. I mean, I understand that they have a system all worked out...timing...length...locale, etc...but her noises. Frequency, volume...all of it; she sounds like a howling coyote every single time. It's just unrealistic. Anyway. It's 10:50, so I think it's probably safe...and I'm toast. If they aren't done yet, I'll at least be able to tell how much longer it's going to take by counting the nanoseconds in between her yelps.

18 keep(s) me blogging:

Jahooni said...

this is another great reason why i bought my home.... i only want to hear me!

Send her a CD of Whale's mating for Christmas and they might get the point!

Rachel said...

HAHAHHAHAH!

I have bothing to say: I'm too busy laughing my head off.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I had a similar experience when I lived among humans. Not the orgasm, but hearing it. I am pretty sure it was genuine, because she had several 'boyfriends' and only came with this guy. She didn't moan for too long, but it was loud enough to wake me up. One time, she actually cried "thank you", which was rather sweet. He always made a booming noise like an artillery shell being fired. I was happy for them, but it brought home the ephemeral nature of life's pleasures. Sex is like ice-cream: good while it lasts.

Kevin said...

The thing I miss most about living in an apartment is hearing the sex of the neighbors.

You might find this funny: http://xkcd.com/316/

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Give them an oilcan for the bed at Christmas and a wee note reading "Fucking Shhhhhh!"

Anonymous said...

Ahh Neighbors. I think the only way to combat that kind of assualt to the senses is to be louder and more obnoxious than she is. Everytime you hear it going down mimic her even loader and see what happens. At the very least she will have to change up the noise to compete. Or just pour yourself a glass of something and enjoy the free nightly show. It will be like your on a cruise.

Jill said...

Try recording it and playing it back for them early in the morning. Or better yet, post it here. I've never heard a coyote yelp before.

Macoosh said...

pah!

Macoosh said...

you should totally have a who's louder contest. that'll shut em up

nato said...

or throw on a porno and hit the mute button...:)

The Future said...

I have two words for you - ear plugs!

AxAtlas said...

Just stick an anonymous note in their mailbox addressed to the dude that just says "She's faking it!"

Sarah said...

You can count in nanoseconds?

Orhan Kahn said...

I wouldn't be so sure that she is faking.. my other half can be incredibly loud. It is actually impossible to keep her quiet.

Mary Witzl said...

I had a couple like this living upstairs from me in the suburbs of Yokohama. Depressingly, it was the husband's loud shouts that I could hear every single night, at almost the exact same time. You could have set a clock by him. I never once heard a peep out of the wife. I could hardly look her in the eye every time I met her, I felt so sorry for her.

Jackie said...

Yeah, based on what you're saying I'll agree with your assessment - fake, fake, fake. Otherwise, well maybe she's a cyborg?

The people above us have a little kid so I think the sex is probably pretty rare. I've never heard them, anyway.

This makes me rethink having kids...

Jahooni said...

we are waiting for more sounds than just that from upstairs!

Helllooooo......

ty said...

This means we have something to look forward to at the x-mas party.