Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Silence of the Lambs Never Gets Old

People are always trying to tell me what to do. I tell you what, if I wasn't still losing my soul online for work right now, I would tell them all to suck rope. But I am online. And I have to keep myself off the shoe sites. My mortgage is a jerk. So it's a meme. Before you all sigh heavily, just know that I already have. For all of us. But I've also had a beer so I'm over it and you need to be too. 'sides, I was tagged by Erin and I think she's cooler than you. She knows how to hotlink things in the comments section. What can YOU do? So here's what's with the up. I have to answer some questions. I have done so below:

What is your current obsession?
Hmm, I have a few. True Blood (shut up), travel planning, writing on this stupid thing and your mom.


#2: Who was the last person you hugged?
Well now I don't know. I'm not a hugger. Who's shocked? I think maybe my grandparents who I saw last weekend. Yes, I think I hugged them. I make exceptions for grandparents.

#3: What's your favorite dinner?
Tomato soup and grilled cheese. Shut up.

#4: What are you listening to right now?
The Colbert Report and the dishwasher. And typing.

#5: What was the last movie you saw in the theater?
I just saw The Reader on Monday. At first Mandy and I were all "ha ha! 15 year old dong!" And then it got all serious and our buzz wore off. But, you know, it was good. I'd read the book so I'd been wanting to compare. It was quite...thoughtful. A wonderful character study. And there was some 15 (really he was 18, so it was ok) year old nekkid European jail bait.

#6: What was the last thing you bought? A leopard print bra because it was the only one in my size and a sundress to lessen the pain of bra shopping.

#7: What is your favorite weather? The kind that allows me to sit on a patio and have a nice cold beer while judging passersby based on clothing, hair and accessories.

#8: Say something to the person who tagged you
She knows how to knit. Knit well. Lord knows I've tried. I have about 7 extra fingers.

***continued on day 2***

#9: Coffee or Tea? Tea. Perfect since I'm from the land of the coffeeshop. And I drink it straight - no milk or sugar. I'm a dried leaf bad ass!

#10: What did you want to become as a child?
When I was leetle I wanted to be a professional cheerleader. And then I wanted to be a girl version of Gene Kelly. What can I say, I was an uninspired child.

#11: If you could go anywhere in the next hour, where would it be?
Well I just got back from the Grilled Cheese Grill (YES) so it's hard to imagine wanting to be anywhere else. But if pressed, I would say space.

#12: Who do you want to meet in person?
Wes Anderson. And then I would seduce him. And in doing so, would absorb is creativity.

#13: What is your most challenging goal right now?
Coworkers read this so I'm going to lie and say it's NOT trying to start my own business.

#14: What is your weirdest obsession?
Weirdest? I'll drop everything to watch pretty much any BBC production of a classic novel. I'm a Masterpiece Theater junkie. And am very aware of how alone I am in this.

#15: Why did you start a blog?
Because a coworker told me to thinking it might lessen the number of random thoughts shared with the room. Oh well.

I guess this goes on, but it's making me analyze my blog and I don't like being reminded that I'm self absorbed. However, I DO like being reminded that I have dainty feet. Unrelated thought.

I'm not going to tag anybody because hotlinking takes work and I don't think I need to remind you that I just got back from The Grilled Cheese Grill. Mama needs a nap.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Yes, I Know It's Not From Eating Pigs

Everyone's freaking out about the Ham Flu. I'm not worried. SARS missed me. West Nile passed me right on by. Avian flu had me looking real suspicious-like at pigeons, but it all worked out okay. I'm relatively certain I'll make it through a Ham Flu pandemic unscathed and double fisting strips of bacon.

Anyway, there's bigger shit to worry about. Like the fact that I almost watched a basketball game. It happened. It was on and the Blazers are in the playoffs and I found myself caring. Don't worry, I came to and ran away, but still. Close.

And then on the bus ride home tonight I watched the hordes of people in black and red filing into the Rose Garden and got all excited for them. It made me nostalgic for when I cared about such things back in 1992 when the Blazers made it all the way to the finals and we decorated our living room with streamers.

And I think the television had wheels.

I wish they still came with wheels.

Go Blazers.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Pod People and Ponies

Today's post is brought to you by the church camp t-shirt from 1990 that I just found in a box last weekend (next to my She-ra figurines and My Little Pony stable) and am now wearing.

It's turquoise.

I used a stair stepper this morning while watching the Hallmark Channel. I needed some sexless made-for-TV romance in my life. I'll tell you what, though, covered wagons and prairie garb is considerably less interesting when you know no one's going to get shot, nekkid or both.

the Waif just called and interrupted me and thusly, this post. I'm going to form the conversation into a segue for a tangent about why people need sleep:

waif: Hey, we need to talk about Mother's Day plans

me: Ok, what day is it?

waif: Mother's Day

me: Yes, I know, but what day is it?

waif: Oh! It's a week from next Sunday, I think.

me: Isn't today Sunday?

waif: It is, isn't it. Two weeks from today.

And then she had to go because the Face fell on his nose.

I suppose that's not really a tangent...but you get what I mean.

What I really want to know is if allergies are any sort of biblical sign of the apocolypse. Or maybe someone knows if our goverment is doing a little biowarfare testing? Because both nostrils and my left eye feel as though they're under attack. And it's not just me (year round thankyouverymuch) who is suffering but people who didn't even GET allergies last year. Something is up. It's like when you see livestock stampede before an earthquake or the birds stop chirping and a meteor falls. I'm telling you, I can't stand it much longer. The evil needs to just reveal itself and be done with it.

That's probably it. Aliens are taking us over using histamines. I've seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers - 50s version, 70s version and 00s version...I know what's up. We're all going to sneeze our way into becoming pod people and no one can save us. Or stop us from going to sleep.

Ugh, I can't type anymore. I've got Wii elbow. Check you bitches later.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Fool Me Once...Shame on You

They've dangled this in front of me too many times for me to actually take their word on it. It's a "believe it when I see it" scenario now. And I've got no faith left.

But I will say this - amy g. and I have been quoting $240 worth of puddin' for 15 years and it still cracks our almost-30 year old asses up.

For those of you who don't know because you are foreign, too young, too old, not directly related to me or all of the have some googling to do.

For the rest of us...may we be burned nevermore. Or something.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Ripped from the Headlines

United Air to charge obese double on full flights

LOS ANGELES — United Airlines, a unit of UAL Corp, will require obese passengers bumped from full flights to purchase two seats on a subsequent flight, matching the policy of some other carriers.

The change brings the Chicago-based in line with eight other airlines including Continental, Delta, JetBlue and Southwest, United spokeswoman Robin Urbanski said on Wednesday.

"Last year we had 700 complaints from passengers who had to share their seats," she said.

Under the new policy, obese passengers -- defined as unable to lower the arm rest and buckle a seat belt with one extension belt -- will still be reaccommodated, at no extra charge, to two empty seats if there is space available.

If, however, the airplane is full, they will be bumped from the flight and may have to purchase a second ticket, at the same price as the original fare, Urbanski said.

If the bumped passenger chooses to cancel the trip, the ticket will be refunded with no additional charge.

The policy is effective immediately.

This sparked an office debate. I'm no longer in the office at this late hour, but I'm still thinking about it. It seems to me that unless the airline requires you to sign something as you buy your tickets declaring you accept the possibility that your fat ass may get bumped, there would be no way to avoid a lawsuit.

My issue with this new policy is not so much that it is or is not'll recall my flight to Atlanta in issue surrounds the actual implementation of the policy. How will this work?

Say you're of the 300 pound variety and you have a job interview across the country that you have to be there for the next day. Or your Great Aunt Maude has kicked it and the funeral is in 24 hours. OR, you purchased - with legal tender - a fucking plane ticket with the expectation that it will aid in transporting you from point A to point B at the time agreed upon at point of sale. Say one or all of these things applied - and the flight is full - and you're sitting there, uncomfortable, getting the evil eye from the yoga-obsessed hippie ho in the seat next to you and pissed that they don't offer peanuts anymore. The in-flight movie is that mall cop one with that guy from that UPS show. And you're going somewhere awful, like Topeka.

Then the stewardess (yes...stewardess) comes up to you and KICKS YOU OFF THE FLIGHT because you're fat. She does this telling you that you can re-book a later flight for twice the price.

Tell me...what would YOU do?

Condi loves you. 'Nighty night.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Saints Preserve Us

Brendan's making me white chili. I think it's because he's afraid of black people.

You can hear the wine, can't you.

Look at my new blog! A few snips and sweeps and it'll be good as new. I've totally lost most of my "cool people to link to" links so if you want your ass added, comment me, yo.
And just for the record: yes, that is Condi's hair scalped right off her head, turned around and placed very carefully on top of Cap'n Cleavage there. Brendan is a genius. And not the unsocial kind.

Since this took so much effort (mostly not by me) I'm going to stay on blogger for a while longer. Wordpress can sit and pine for me the way Twitter does.

You know it does.

Reason why I've grown to love this town #462 happens this weekend. Some people call them "the carts", some call them "the caravans" but I call them the ONLY place to get good cheap food in this town. They're all over the city selling Belgian fries, Indian food, pho, Thai food, burritos, pizza, falafal, gyros and everything else you can think of and they make figuring out what to get for lunch the most stressful part of my day.

But this weekend, it all comes to a head at Portland's first Food Cart Festival - where a bunch of the cart purveyors will gather together and let you try them ALL out for $5. Basically this is the definition of heaven on earth. Some people might say that's a massage or a bath, but they're wrong.

I've been anticipating this for weeks. I'll not eat the whole day beforehand. The plan is to be rolled home like Violet Beauregarde. Though not juiced, thankyouverymuch.

And the money goes to Mercy Corp.... the company I would most want to work for should they ever consider to have me. I know you have to apply, blah blah blah. Still.

You want to live here now, don't you. Well you can't. The gate's closed.

Kidding...they voted down my gate proposal.

Politics can suck it.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

They're All Twitterpated

I held my new nephew in my arms today. His name is Mercer Smith. I will call him Cer Smith because it makes me laugh every damn time I say it out loud.

Brendan held him too. As he held him, he kept giving me looks. Big eyed looks. "I want one" looks. There was a lot of me shaking my head and shouting "But I'm too young!"

All of you who chuckled at that will be found.

Look at how excited the Waif is to have birthed a foal. Somewhere out there, Sarah's cracking up.

Here's the little scamp himself. Admittedly he looks a tad like E.T. in this picture, but he's a damn little darling and I like him very much.

Lot's of big stuff has happened to me lately. First I destroy my blog template, then I go to the Seattle Comic Con (that will be another post, don't worry), the Waif gives birth AND I FOUND A MUG!

Ok, since honesty is the best policy, I will say that I did not find this mug. Tracy found me this mug. And then bought me this mug. It is...well, you can see for yourself why both she and I knew it had to be. And if you don't, well, I just don't know what you're doing here.

The best part about it: I really believe the tone is meant to be kind of a "eh, what the shell", c'est la vie kind of tone. But that's not how I read it (and consequently say it out loud). Oh no. It's angry. It's a serenely-colored angrily exclaiming mug. And therefore, the most perfect mug in the history of things that hold hot water. I'm so happy.

Brendan has now been engaged to help me fix this crap heap of a template. So stay tuned for changes. I'm not paying him so keep your expectations low.

Friday, April 03, 2009


I fucked something up. Condi's dots are gone. And so is her head of hair.

This is why I'm not given computers to play with. This. Is. Why.

the Waif made the first Condi blog and she's currently too pregnant to do anything but yell at her unborn son to get the hell out of her stomach because he's fucking with her sciatic nerve or whatever.

Anyway - shit's just gonna have to look stupid til I figure out how to fix it.

This is what happens when you get greedy for stupid-ass widget and sell your soul to the blogger devil.

In my defense, he looked just like Burgess Meredith.