Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Who Loves Air Travel? I Love Air Travel.

An open letter to the man who took up half of my seat on the flight to Atlanta:

Dear Grease Ball,
You owe me $300. You took up approximately 1/3 of my seat and should therefore reimburse me for 1/3 of my ticket. This should help compensate for most of your left thigh, a healthy portion of your love handles and the meaty portion of your upper arm flattening me against the window with the grease spots from someone's nose on it. I"m also certain that your Huxtable sweater was made entirely of allergens based on the number of times I sneezed in a 4.5 hour period.

And I appreciate that you turned your earphones way the fuck up so that I could hear whatever you were watching since the sound on my in-seat video system didn't work. I really enjoyed that sit-com about the dysfunctional family and their relatable problems. It really helped the time just fly.

But what I really appreciated was your help with exercising my lung capacity. Your exotic aromas of bad hygiene and cheap cologne inspired a new record for holding my breath. I didn't have a Guinness Book handy, but if I did, I probably would have celebrated my beating the record with a $6 individually-sized Ernest and Julio Gallo Merlot.

And when we landed and were stuck on the tarmac for 20 minutes, I thoroughly enjoyed the play by play you gave to your "darling lover girl" that included every minute detail of all the JUST SITTING THERE that people were doing. Obviously the climax came when we finally stopped and you, in your delightful Long Island, was-totally-an-extra-on-The Sopranos accent concluded the tale of travel with how they turned the lights on that people were getting up. I was so riveted, I couldn't take my eyes off your carefully coifed combover.

So thank you, horrible seat buddy. Thank you for enriching my life with way too much information about your own. In fact, I have enough to go on that I'll most likely be able to figure out where to send the bill for the $300 smackers.


19 keep(s) me blogging:

Stinkypaw said...

That's the part I hate about flying - we have to sit next to somebody and often it's not someone we would choose! I can almost smell him... argh.

Brendan said...

"Labels: climax?"

Robert the Skeptic said...

There was a time when flying was "exotic" - something available only to the upper classes. Back then, half the airplanes still had propellers and the only security around was the parking lot attendant.

Had you the time, you could choose to return by train. Lounge in the "lounge" car or observe the passing landscape from the "observation" car. Dine (you guessed it)in the dining car. Guess what car your baggage is in?

Or, for that truly earthy experience - you could take the bus. Then you would REALLY appreciate how luxurious flying is.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Ask for an aisle seat next time, Missy. You can wander around and dazzle a good looking fellow with your personality so he'll let you sit on his lap. If that doesn't work, you can spend some quality time in the lavatory.

Orhan Kahn said...

LOL @ climax.

Dude, wtf? Aye.

Sarah said...


Andrew said...

Welcome to Business Travel 101. First lesson: it really does suck.

Twinkie said...

what an effin donkeyball sucking bastard. seriously.

earth to fat greasy guy????

TBrawls said...

You sound mad.

nato said...

ahh...commercial air travel....unfortunately my next trip for business will be by commercial again...I had been fortunate with my last several trips to catch a ride on the corporate jet which was running a weekly shuttle between the two main campus sites.....yeah..they shut that down now....:(

Macoosh said...

i've totally sat next to him a number of times. had a weird wheese, right?

is that how you spell wheese? whease? weez? wheazhe? hippopotamus?

AxAtlas said...

HEY NOW! That's my daddy!!!!!

d said...

i think i've made my feelings of disdain for flying with the general public well known. people like you and me shouldn't have to take it.

now, if you'll excuse me, i have a particularly dreadful flying experience ahead of me this afternoon that i have to prepare for, described in detail on my piece of crap blog.

ps - reposting the pics seems so much easier than me searching for them. but i get your point. you fulfilled your end of the bargain. and how did you know my name is "boyo"

Wow, that was awkward said...

Hmmm. I wrote mine first, sassy pants. I can relate though.

Mary Witzl said...

But on the brighter side, your smelly, noisy seat-mate inspired a great blog post and amused me no end!

And I love the idea of sending this guy a bill! I've flown A LOT in my time, and if I could bill every bozo who's taken up my space or sent their nasty smell molecules my reluctant way, I wouldn't worry about not having a pension.

Mandy's Kidding said...


Kara said...

stinkypaw - if you could smell him in canada, then he owes me more money.

brendan - you like it.

dad - how i do love your bedtime stories.

goranas - i asked for an aisle seat, but no go. i need them too, i have a bladder the size of a peanut and always piss my row buddies off.

or - your comment leaves me very little to comment on.

twinkie - and he had a girlfriend. A GIRLFRIEND.

tbrawls - you like me best when i'm angry. and i do too.

nato - corporate jet? really? damn. you're lucky i didn't find that out while i was on the flight. i might've hated you.

macoosh - wheeze. always ask the asthmatic.

ax - you two are not of the same ethnicity. i'm sorry, you're adopted.

d - wait...you have a blog again? is it the same link?

wow - well, sassy pantsness trumps firstness every time. duh.

mary - we'd be so rich if we could bill people for wasting our time. hmmmm.

mandy - how about some sympathy! naw, you're right. it's funny.

Mary Witzl said...

Ooh...but I might owe people money then, too...

Orhan Kahn said...

And, ironically, your comment on my comment was longer than my intial comment. Kudos.