Monday, March 30, 2009

Somebody Stole My Shit

I've been planning on doing this for YEARS! Not with spray paint, but with bumper stickers planted all over the city. And SOMEBODY hired the Thought Police and stole my shit! And this is the shoddy result! Not a professional job AT. ALL. I'm so angry. That's why there are so many capital letters.

In my own city too! I hope they get sexually assaulted by a goat, whoever they are.

I took that on Sunday afternoon. Well, made Amy g. stop the damn car and let me out to take a picture with my phone after I yelled in outrage and scared her half to death is more like it. But anyway, that's how long I've been seething.

I went to a wedding this weekend. In a church. Not a big deal, right? Check out these two 'poorly re-quoted due to bad short term memory' quotes -

From a fellow attendee once I sat next to them in the pew:
"I would've thought you'd have burst into flames the minute after you walked in here"

From someone being told about the wedding after the fact:
"I'm surprised your skin didn't burn the whole time you were there"

What the hell? Am I some sort of heathen? Satanist? Necromancer? Death Eater (nerd!)?


Of course, I did accidentally swear while congratulating the groom about 2 seconds after I entered.

But still! Surely that doesn't warrant such assumptions! I bet other people accidentally sweat(typo - keeping it) in church!

I don't hiss when the cathedral bells toll! I don't knock over nuns and take their Rosary beads! I even capitalized Rosary without even knowing if I'm supposed to! There's respect there!

Anyway, I'm totally offended. But more amused. I've never thought of myself as an anti-religion crusader. I mean, I'll debate it with any and every one and I dig at Brendan about it out of curiosity...but it's not like I own a t-shirt that says "Down with religion". Apparently, I don't need to.

So this is a warning to all who may invite me to their churchified weddings. I may leave behind a burned out spot on the carpet that'll be a devil to clean.

Friday, March 27, 2009


There was a man on the bus with a nose hair so long, it could wrap around his index finger exactly once.

Not that it was.

I think this is what Twitter is for.

But I won't do it.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Reintroducing the Gimmick!

I worked a lot today, friends, and am feeling punchy. So what better way to exercise the demons than by blogging and eating stir fry with a Belgian wheat? So smooth. Anyway, my laptop battery is fully charged so it seems like a good time for a geography lesson via Google Analytics!

Exclamation point!

stalkerish shoutout is to my reader in Auckland, New Zealand! Whut up, Middle Earth dweller. I understand you've got a kick ass toothbrush fence to boast of (yes, I watch Flight of the Conchords). Do you guys have the Home Shopping Network down there? I always wonder how much we actually infect the rest of the English-speaking world.

Anyway, stay anonymous as long as you can, friend, or you're gonna end up with a guest on your couch. New Zealand's been on my To Do list for a long time.

Cuddles to you, readers...don't forget to align your chi in the hopes that you'll be google stalked next! It's an honor, you know. In my head.

I'm gonna go make out with my fireplace.

Saturday, March 21, 2009


Some things you should know

Homemade dill pickles help make white wine taste less like the ugly step-sister of red wine.

Even though you say that you will never ever ever wear leggings. You will. Someday.

There's no such thing as being over Mexican food.

The laundry will never actually be done. Not unless you initiate a Naked Day one day a week. Inadvisable.

You are not the amount of gigs your iPod has. But you are your fucking khakis.

It's okay to eat the meat that would eat you. Two words: bear BBQ.

Cartoon characters belong in the TV and not inked on to your skin.

Buying towels is unsatisfying.

Room temperature beverages will not hurt you.

Statistics can help you make points regardless of the validity of either the statistic or the point.

Even numbers are overrated and often offensive.

You're welcome

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Stupid People Are Stupid

The Workplace Seat Lifter is at it again. And I know I wasn't the first one in the stall because there were remnants of paper in the bowl. Yet the seat was lifted. Why? Why, why, why? The physics alone mystify me. You don't USE paper when you're standing. Unless you don't want to sit on the seat and you opt for a "hover" approach. But in that case, why would you even bother lifting the seat? I hate this person.

I know this is all rather distasteful topic. But these are the kinds of things that haunt you when you're insane.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

All We Want is Life Beyond the Thunderdome

There have been two moments, this weekend, where I have questioned this world and what's wrong with it. Both times, it's been about music and Brendan.

Now, I get that he didn't recognize Tina Turner's artful ballad,
We Don't Need Another Hero" circa 1985 when I excitedly hummed it as yet another example of why Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome is one of the greatest movies ever. Turns out he'd never seen the whole movie. That was a whole different drama.

But then this morning as we woke up he said something regarding "my girl" and I launched into "tell me wheeeere did ya sleep, last niieeeeght"...I got nothin'. Blank face. He didn't know what song I was talking about. Which turned into "I don't have any Nirvana albums". Which turned into "I didn't think I liked them in 1999" [when he started listening to music]. Which made me turn over and have a good think.

But really it's not his fault. First of all, I was doing the singing and my talent combined with my cold leaves much to be desired. Secondly - not everyone had the music-lovin' kind of parents that I had. I think that shit usually rubs off on the kid. And to be fair, with regards to Nirvana...I am from the NW and you couldn't throw a rock around here without hitting something related to grunge for years.

Thirdly - he hadn't seen
Ghostbusters until made him netflix it last year.

That was just put in for shock value.

I'd like to blame the state of Kentucky for this, but really, there is no one TO blame. I'm fairly certain that all of the above had to be released in that statehood at some point in time. It does no good to complain at this point anyway. All I can really do is try to educate to the best of my ability in what context things are awesome. Toto's red album, The Kinks' Village Green Preservation Society, Nirvana Unplugged, Henri Mancini and The Pink Panther Theme, Screamin' Jay Hawkins. So much to do, so little desire to put forth effort.

On the other hand, I get really excited. Being the first one to introduce the awesomeness that is Astrud Gilberto to someone at this juncture in life is pretty damn fun. Watching him start to dance to it as though he's just discovered rhythm is even more so.

On the other other hand, he's trying to do the same thing with me and
Battlestar Gallactica and I'm fighting it pretty hard. We women do like our double standards.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

What's Wrong With Capitalism


Ikea tried to kill me, but it failed. It was just pissed that I didn't like any of its couches. Vengeful retail establishment. I think it got me somewhere in the children's department where I foolishly put my hand on a rug. Then I probably went and did something dumb like rubbed my eye and that was it. That's what gave me a full week of being unable to leave my bed. And you have NO idea what it's like to be stuck in a room inwhich you strongly disklike the paint color. No idea.

So here I am a week later, back in the office for the first time in half a fortnight, bugging the tar out of the coworkers with my hacking.

I wonder what I could do with all the excess tar?

AND I'm getting assaulted with news items like THIS:

(thank you, Brawleys)

Now I love boots as much as the next person, but not enough to replace pants with them. They simply cannot serve the same function, I don't care what kind of climate you come from. There's a reason fly fisherman change back into their normal clothing when they've finished the sport. Walking around town in waders is not practical OR attractive. If men who like to spend their free time standing by themselves in cold rivers playing catch with fish realize this...I feel the fashion world should too.

You can read about this alarming trend here.