Friday, June 30, 2006

Happy 4-Day Weekend, Suckers!

Our fucking corporate office (with the company colors being red, white, and blue and the website sporting the flag as a background) doesn't believe in giving its employees the day before July 4th off, even though the holiday falls on a Tuesday. The rest of the known fucking world (ok, maybe not, but you get my exasperated drift) has that Monday off, cause it's the fucking PATRIOTIC thing to do. Stupid job. Stupid stupid stupid job. You'd think I could come up with a more elaborate insult, but this stupid place isn't even worth the effort. It's barely even worth the repetition.

Anyway. I'm taking Monday off so I can pretend I work in a decent establishment instead of an email marketing whorehouse. That's right...I'm an email marketing whore. I'm not proud of this. No child stands up before their Kindergarten class behind little Kevin who is going to be a fireman, and says "I'm going to spam the world with email marketing to ensure the pathetic losers who shop online ALL DAY LONG can receive the most up to date offers from the Home Shopping Network". It just doesn't happen.

I'll tell you what does happen...student loans happen. I don't have even the remotest idea of how the next generation is going to afford college. They say that those with a college degree make 70% more on average than those who don't in the workplace. I think I got that off NPR, but I can't remember. I'm fairly certain I didn't make it up, though. And here I am, living month to month in the world's saddest little apartment, slowly being poisoned by black mold, with a crappy paying job that I wouldn't even have if it weren't for my degree, which I'm not even USING. This is scary stuff. When I go to try to buy a house, I may just end it all (McGuyver-style with a Q-tip, scotch tape and a turkey baster).

Actually, life isn't really all that bad. But what's the use of a blog if you can't throw yourself a 24/7 pity party all year 'round! Somebody bring me a jello shot!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

A New Post Is Here! A New Post Is Here

Lord I'm a lazy writer. I really shouldn't be. I have a comfortable chair, an ergo-friendly keyboard, occasional spare time to fill. I'm not having to write this from the floor of a 19th century Siberian prison. So what's my problem? Writer's block? Lacking a muse? Do I believe in muses? No. No, I do not. But since you asked, I believe in Happy Hours, walla walla sweet onion rings, and sit-coms with no laugh track. There's more, but people don't like reading lists.

Monday I spent my evening laying in a kiddie pool with my feet hanging over the side reading the Mercury. I've officially decided that's how one should always spend their 101 degree days of summer. Short of having a cold beer at my side, it was damn near perfect. Actually, it all sounds kind of trashy, but what can I say, I'm poor.

Currently I'm addicted to Indian food. Though I've always liked it in general, I now seem to crave it. This is the evildoing of a certain Real Taste of India caravan down in cart row. I'm convinced they're trying to slowly take over the world by creating food slaves. It's working too. If they told me I couldn't have my chicken tikka masala unless I infiltrated the FED and stole billions of dollars to support their world domination operation...I'd probably do it. That's how freaking good their tikka masala is. If we were an army, our uniforms would smell of spices so we'd stay salivating, like those greyhounds chasing the big bone around the track. Those dogs are ridiculous looking.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Al Gore vs. Freddy

I got COMMENT SPAM on my blog. What IS this world coming to? It's enough to make me just stop exercising and let myself go completely!

Ok, so one has nothing to do with the other. Fuck you.

I saw An Inconvenient Truth the other night. It couldn't have scared me more if Freddy had popped out of the screen and chased me with his press-on nails of death. So it seems that in about forty years or so, Greenland is gonna melt and raise the ocean levels 20 ft. all around the world, making the fact that I'm a rotten swimmer very hard to come to terms with. And it's 32% America's fault. I hate seeing movies like this, they make me feel helpless. I already recycle, take public transportation, and buy biodegradible kitty litter. Everyone else in the theater probably already drives hybrids, buys recycled toilet paper, and eats organic tortilla chips. But the people who drive Hummers, cried when Trojan imploded, and watch cars burn fossil fuels while driving around in circles for SPORT are not going to see this movie, and they're the ones who need to.

What the government should do is replace their poor-ass-excuse for a sex education program with this film in schools. It should scare any horny teenagers enough to keep them from even ATTEMPTING procreation. At any rate, it's more useful than convincing them that you can get HIV from tears. I would consider the replacement money well-spent considering the current curriculum.

Anyway, that's all I have to say today. Well that and I'M BACK! I WILL be writing on this damn blog on a regular basis and there's nothing YOU can DO about it. Except perhaps take away my Caps Lock button. Which might be in order, actually. Go to The end.