Monday, March 30, 2009

Somebody Stole My Shit

I've been planning on doing this for YEARS! Not with spray paint, but with bumper stickers planted all over the city. And SOMEBODY hired the Thought Police and stole my shit! And this is the shoddy result! Not a professional job AT. ALL. I'm so angry. That's why there are so many capital letters.

In my own city too! I hope they get sexually assaulted by a goat, whoever they are.

I took that on Sunday afternoon. Well, made Amy g. stop the damn car and let me out to take a picture with my phone after I yelled in outrage and scared her half to death is more like it. But anyway, that's how long I've been seething.

I went to a wedding this weekend. In a church. Not a big deal, right? Check out these two 'poorly re-quoted due to bad short term memory' quotes -

From a fellow attendee once I sat next to them in the pew:
"I would've thought you'd have burst into flames the minute after you walked in here"

From someone being told about the wedding after the fact:
"I'm surprised your skin didn't burn the whole time you were there"

What the hell? Am I some sort of heathen? Satanist? Necromancer? Death Eater (nerd!)?

No!

Of course, I did accidentally swear while congratulating the groom about 2 seconds after I entered.

But still! Surely that doesn't warrant such assumptions! I bet other people accidentally sweat(typo - keeping it) in church!

I don't hiss when the cathedral bells toll! I don't knock over nuns and take their Rosary beads! I even capitalized Rosary without even knowing if I'm supposed to! There's respect there!

Anyway, I'm totally offended. But more amused. I've never thought of myself as an anti-religion crusader. I mean, I'll debate it with any and every one and I dig at Brendan about it out of curiosity...but it's not like I own a t-shirt that says "Down with religion". Apparently, I don't need to.

So this is a warning to all who may invite me to their churchified weddings. I may leave behind a burned out spot on the carpet that'll be a devil to clean.

13 keep(s) me blogging:

Orhan Kahn said...

You need a tall glass of icey cold milk and cookie. Jesus would agree.

theWaif said...

It's true, my sister is the Anti-Christ. I'm sure I've seen her eyes flash red and her head spin around on more than one occasion. Usually whenever I tried to borrow her clothes in high school.

Gorilla Bananas said...

There's obviously something about you that says "handmaiden of hell" to good white American Christians. Your sharp little teeth, your fiery little eyes darting all over the place. I would have performed an exorcism on you. One day you'll feel the spirit of the Lord, Missy.

Rachel said...

As a fellow godless heathen, I am also offended. How dare those piddly mongrels steal your shit!

I once went to a mormon wedding. It was as if anyone dared look upon me, their entry into heaven would be denied forever!

I find it amusing now.

d said...

i'm thinking of starting my own church. but instead of uncomfortable wooden pews, i'm going to have beautiful leather recliners. and instead of the little communion wafer thing, i'll give out cookies. oh, and no talk of god in my church either. we can talk about me, or perhaps basketball, or watch tv or try to get to the bottom of the loser who messed up the "hammer time" fiasco.

Robert the Skeptic said...

Yet again, I am reminded of just how old I am. I had to look up "Hammer Time" in the "urban dictionary". Still confused regarding the context making it pertinent in the blog? Which is it?

1. A catchphrase a man says before jackhammering his partner and consequently breaking his/her neck.

2. Comes from the MC Hammer song but is now commonly used for when someone says something annoying and you want to express your anger with someone you know.
It now means to beat someone to death with a hammer.

3. Popular catchphrase coined by 'Yorkshire Ripper' Peter Sutcliffe as he swung wildly at a prostitute with a claw hammer.

4. shotgunning beers in the nude.

5. Hammer time means hanging out with your girl while lying to your boys about it, or getting owned by your girl and having to hang out with her instead of your boys.

I'm leaning toward the Yorkshire Ripper - I guessing they meant "Rapper".

Susie Q said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jill said...

What a coincidence! Slag and I were in a church for a wedding about a month ago. I finally told him to hush before we both got struck by lightening. Technically, I was observing traditional wedding decorum and he was the offender, but I was sitting next to him, so I figured I was in danger too.

If a church is going to host weddings, I think it should have an "unsanctified" seating section for us heathens. You know, so we can talk among ourselves without worry of being smote during the ceremony.

Sarah said...

Woolite takes burn spots out of carpet.

Brendan said...

Bob: It's #4.

Kara said...

or - chocolate milk.

waif - well you always stretched them out! (ahem)

goranas - gorillas can't perform exorcisms. it says that somewhere.

rachel - did the reception have either soda or coffee?

d - will you also be a wedding venue?

dad - don't listen to brendan. it's just a reference to M.C. Hammer's song and a way to end that sentence. it means nothing but a pointless chuckle for me.

jill - we get the balcony seats so when the lightening strikes, we go first.

sarah - this is why i want to keep you in my pocket instead of an iPhone.

Mary Witzl said...

I've got a friend who's an Orthodox priest's wife. She claims that whole 'heathens unwelcome in church' thing is nonsense -- that there's nothing God loves more than a sinner.

Because I have all sorts of doubts about religion, whenever I'm in church, I always tell myself I'm giving the minister a real challenge. He's not just preaching to the converted, I'm making him work for a change.

The Future said...

Well, I have the evidence sitting right here that would prove those naysayers oh so wrong. In fact to quote you, Kara, "I like God. I like the way that he made my bod. And if you say that I'm ugly, you're gonna tick him off." End quote. You wrote this when you were 9 in the front of the bible you had been given by the church I think. Perhaps you'd better share this with your know-it-all friends to dissuade them. It obviously proves you're amazingly religious:)