Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Chillax with a Tofurkey From the Tryptophan Fairies


I haven't been posting because I've been working. Nights too. Poor me. I'm so busy and integral to the future of email marketing.

I want you to take a look up at that picture above. That's the rest of my week, people. I'm fuckin' goin' to Kansas with Kansas. I'm telling you, I haven't met "the parents" of a boyfriend since the early college years. And this must be serious, because these next four days will be DRY. That's right...Kansas' people aren't drinkers. Nor do they take the Lord's name in vain. You guessed it...I'm fucked. Oh well, it must be love.

I'm trying to get rid of all the open containers of things in my fridge so they don't go bad while I'm gone. That means the spendy ($7.50...I KNOW) bottle of white wine that's still 2/3 of the way full has to GO. It doesn't help that I've already gone out with the peeps for a "oh god, you're going to meet the parents and you won't be allowed to drink or swear" round of drinks. I'll be packing practically blind. Or at least with a severe case of the hiccups. The things I do for this world...I expect the canonization proceedings to begin at any moment. Or do you have to be Catholic for such things to apply? Phooey. I say phooey!

December happens next week. What the eff? How did I get here? What in my life altered so much that I think it's normal for Kansas to be making me Rice a Roni at 10:40 on a Tuesday night for dinner? That's a rhetorical question, though I welcome all hypotheses. What is a blog for but to entertain your readers' ridiculous ideas. That was also rhetorical.

So I have opinions on things, but they're going to have to wait til I'm back from the land of the world's biggest ball of twine...which I will be taken to see if someone knows what's good for him. So until then...have a happy holiday filled with turkey and tryptophan and little maids all in a row.

So I've been drinking. Shut up.

20 keep(s) me blogging:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Your future in-laws remind me of Thaddeus J Culpepper and his wife Abigail, who settled in Kansas in 1869. Fine people. They should have taught their son how to rustle up some vittles though. Ask Kansas who their favourite comedian is/was. If it's Bob Hope, you're in with a chance. But cut out the blue gags.

Kara said...

you bite your goddamn tongue on that "future in-laws" stuff. there have been no promises made, nor rings bestowed...no souls sold to the devil.

bob hope rocks.

what are you doing up at this hour? go to bed.

Rachel said...

*laughs at "future-in-laws"* There, there, get all the naughty words out of your system.

*chortles*

They don't drink or cuss or take the Lord's name in vain?? What, are they MORMON? Good god, woman....that's why I fled Idaho...Mormons are the sweetest people I ever knew, but they are insufferable.

Good luck!

Rachel said...
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Laura said...

Something tells me that 2/3-of-the-way-full bottle of wine went down somewhere other than the drain.

Good luck and fare thee well, Toto dearest. You're not in Oregon anymore.

Mary Witzl said...

Don't worry about the no cursing or drinking thing. I grew up around people like that and they got around it by finding all sorts of other vices to indulge in.

Have fun in Kansas -- enjoy that great ball of string!

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Many's the meal I've sat through with my in-laws with nothing stronger than a lemonade to get me through. We would usually just eat ourselves into a stupor that rivaled any alcoholic stupor I've seen for pure inertia, then sit around and occasionally fall asleep for three hours exactly. Once the food was gone there was very little to talk about, so we didn't. 3 hours, every time.

Happy Thanksgiving, hun! Safe travels.

Jahooni said...

No drinking.. no swearing.. opposites can't attrack THAT MUCH. I say dump him and his wacky family...

Is it beer:30 yet?

ZenBoomer (formerly Apterix55) said...

I've taken to sneaking those little Barbi-sized bottles of booze on the plane. I shove them down the front of my pants.. ain't No TSA guy gonna pat me down "there"!

Once airborne, I order my FREE ginger ale, and zip... my favorite libation.
(I know, it's best you not think about it too much).

Macoosh said...

well, at least you'll be getting that snow you were talkin about over at my place.

i think you should come to boston instead and we should eat turkey and get drinking together.

because well, that would just be way to fun.

CresceNet said...
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AxAtlas said...

I've been to Wichita...I don't really remember much from it but I do recall that it was in the summer time and it was very windy and...that's all.

Sarah said...

Seriously, eat as much as you can. The food is bound to be good. That's all I can say for the midwest. Fatty fatty 2x4 food. Maybe no alky, but biscuits and gravy will make you forget that.
Have fun! Say hi to the flatlands for me. I sure as hell am never going back.

The Future said...

Well, with all these good wishes I don't know how you could possibly have failed to have a good time. Everybody's been thinking and talking about you, were your ears burning (and I don't mean from the cold)? Hopefully, some of the manners I taught you growing up got you through but I'll reserve judgment until you spill the beans on Sunday.

thethinker said...

No drinking or swearing??

You poor thing. Please don't marry into that family.

nic said...

Well, if they break out the chicken dance and enjoy a good song around the thanksgiving table, that would be a huge red flag signal to RUN!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!

have fun, sugar. I don't know how you feel about people watching, but visiting someone else's family is a keen opportunity to do just that.

Jill said...

Good luck on the not swearing thing. It's really hard to not swear when you're used to it being a normal part of your vocabulary. Slag and I are always accidentally saying "fuck" when we visit parents.

Orhan Kahn said...

Aw dude, dude.. sucks to be you.

Rachel said...

so where the heck are you?

The Future said...

We don't want to hear about how busy you are at work, do this at night like the rest of us. Get to writing.