Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Post Wherein A Matter of Great Importance Is Included

Hi Friends!

Pleasantries aside - I'm here today because I need you.


The largest and most important event in all of history that has yet to happen is happening next Wednesday. I think you can guess what it is.


My 30th birthday.


Gasp.


I've known this was coming for a long time, but now it's actually here (because, you know, that's how the passage of time works)...and I haven't got a clue as to how to honor the day appropriately.
The original plan involved celebratory drunkenness with friends, but due to the recent visitation of a nasty and explicit stomach bug, both booze and (randomly) Ethiopian food are extraordinarily out of the question.

So what's left? I need thoughts. Ideas. Suggestions. Demands. Proposals. Synonyms.

In other news - why doesn't cake taste better? It should be delicious, but it's always disappointing. I don't think that's fair. I want to like it, but it's always so dry. Therefore, I reject it as the official birthday dessert. I'd rather have a chocolate-covered pretzel with a candle in it. And I will have it.

These days before the big event should probably be used to take stock of my life and outline my goa
ls, yadda yadda yadda...but honestly, I'd rather put more thought toward my next toenail color. Because Spring is on its way and I just got some new open-toed shoes. Seriously though, mentally examining one's life is exhausting. Cake is disappointing enough - no need to tack the realization and acceptance of mediocrity on to it.

That being said, I plan on shaking some shit up over the next decade. Just you wait.

18 keep(s) me blogging:

noceleryplease said...

You are clearly not eating the right cake.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Get over it, Missy, you were showing signs of age long before this meaningless milestone. I will honour your birthday by mentioning you at the end of next Wednesday's post - as an example of something not good.

kara said...

celery - i've tried a LOT of cake.

goranas - i love you tooooooo!

Gorilla Bananas said...

I made a mistake, there isn't a post next Wednesday, so I'll have to honour you on Monday or Friday. C'est la vie. Don't you get Black Forest Cake in Portland? Try eating that without getting your fingers gooey.

Stinkypaw said...

I threw myself a BIG party for my 30th - rented a room, DJ, cake made like an "old bag", the whole shabang. I loved it, it was fun and we had a blast. Cake taste good, at least the ones I make. Too bad you're that far, I'd ship you one!

rachelslessonslearned said...

try fudge brownies. or lava cake. *omnomnomnom*

OMG 30!!!!

its the best damn decade of your life!

at least, thats what everyone else keeps telling me.

Charlie said...

I'm no help. I was too shitfaced to remember anything about that day—except the choking fit, which was either a beer bottle or a piece of cake.

Mary Witzl said...

Rachel is so right about the brownies -- a vast improvement on most cakes. But if you want to know the truth, here is what you have to do to have good cakes: 1) prune whip or apple sauce added to the batter (I swear it works and it's low cal, so what's not to like?) 2) extra butter (fantastic, though not lo cal), 3) extra oil, or 4) if it's chocolate, a liberal addition of chocolate chips, plain if possible. I speak as one who knows about these things.

If all else fails and you HAVE to have dry cake, get good ice cream. Good ice cream always levels out a disappointing cake experience.

On my 30th, I have a vague recollection of a hastily consumed tequila sunrise and having to go to work early the next day. No matter how bad yours is, it will definitely trump mine, so take heart!

Mary Witzl said...

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Robert the Skeptic said...

You think you are going through a significant life-altering realization!? Just wait until you wake up and realize your YOUNGEST CHILD has turned 30! I'm going back to bed.

theWaif said...

I promise not to make you a shitty cake for your 30th birthday. And if it does end up being a shitty cake, I promise not to make you eat it anyway. NOTE: One time offer. Expires February 24, 2011. No refunds.

kara said...

i've had all those things - i'm telling you, all of them. and eh.

Auri said...

I've been sitting here for 5 minutes trying to come up with something... nada... I'm so exciting.
Whatever you do I'm sure you'll do it with style=) Happy Birthday!

Orhan Kahn said...

Fireworks, guns and various other explosives - its the only way a patriot such as yourself should celebrate such a time. You know I'm right.

The Future said...

No matter how much we love you, I'm thinking a giant chocolate-covered pretzel for 6 with a candle in it may be beyond our control. Would you settle for a cake of soap that looks like a cake, and just not eat it?

nic said...

you go, girl.
And 30's the new 20. Trust me. I'm 35. I'm not sure I care because I still feel 18. So maybe 35 is the new 18? Bring it, I say.

AxAtlas said...

Prune juice + Matlock + Bingo + Musical Chairs!

Ms. Salti said...

You should tell someone to come over and make you and all your friends a fabulous dinner... something of the bland variety. Or you could go out with a group of friends to your fave restaurant, as long as it's not Ethiopian. Maybe I'll just fly out to see you tomororw and we'll figure it out from there? Happy birthday if I don't make it!