Sunday, May 16, 2010

Twi-soft

My girls and I have been doing Sunday Dinner for a couple of years now. Yes it started with the first season of True Blood and me being the only one with HBO at the time. No, I'm not ashamed of either of those facts.

Actually - no it didn't. It started with Flight of the Conchords...and me being the only one with HBO at the time, so shut the hell up.

We don't always watch something. Sometimes we actually go out into the world...and sometimes we just drink limeade cocktails in someone's backyard. But without fail (almost) we ignore the fact that we see each other all the time and hang out on Sundays until stupidly late, drinking and laughing much too much.
It's my favorite thing.

But this Sunday...we sank to a new low. And it was awesome. Tonight we watched
Twilight: New Moon while simultaneously playing the Rifftrax, eating pierogies and washing it all down with German beer (you see, it was a poorly executed theme). If you don't know what Rifftrax are, then I'm sure you know what Mystery Science Theater 3K is. Well it's those guys, only they don't have a show anymore. They record themselves talking through the movie and then you download the track and play it on your ipod whilst the movie is viewed. It's genius.

Anyway - we made it through the entire movie. And we may or may not have rewound and watched that bit where the underaged/overdeveloped bronze god of modern day musculature tore his shirt off to blot a small cut on no-talent-hack Kristen Stewart's brow three times. Maybe four, it's all a bit fuzzy.
But that is not my point. I have now seen two Twilight movies and read one of the books (couldn't get farther than that one) and still, I come away from them perplexed. I don't get why they're so popular. I really don't.

I think about the movies and books that defined the combined romantic ideals of danger and love for me in those formative early teen years...and even how much I loved that gothic vampire stuff (seriously, you don't want to know how many times I watched
Brahm Stoker's Dracula. It's where the whole Gary Oldman obsession started). But I'm convinced that if I'd picked up and read Twilight when I was 13, I would've wanted to throw it across the room as much as I did at 29.

First of all - who's all like "I want you. We're connected. Why fight it. I can't live without you." at the creepiest guy in school when you're 17 and the new girl? I think Bella and Edward's fourth conversation was about how much they love each other...with a little "but I may kill you" thrown in to keep things lively. Young people don't move that fast. They have to analyze everything to death with their friends and then send a few vague emails or texts before any big decisions are made.

And what teenager in this day and age gets seduced by Claire de Lune? Come on. I'd be all..."um, you've been alive since before jazz was invented and THIS is what you're rolling with?" Weak.

So with this second book (well...movie...) it goes all sorts of through the roof. Edward is gone, but he comes back as a ghost(?? - not explained) to tell her not to do stupid shit she does anyway. Then she almost kisses a SIXTEEN year old a million times (um, that's a sophomore, friends. Did you think they were hot when you were a senior? Men, don't answer that). And then when she's done stringing the well-built puppy along, she jumps at the chance to marry Edward? At EIGHTEEN?! I mean, she's not even going to try to find a guy that isn't dead? Doesn't she understand that's what college is FOR?

What all of this says to me is that the author, Stephanie Somethingorother, grew up in a cave believing in unicorns with a Victrola, Debussy greatest hits and one worn out VHS copy of
Sixteen Candles, without ever meeting any other teenagers.

Regardless... this young man is uncomfortably good looking.


Sorry it's been so long. I've missed you, my pretties.

16 keep(s) me blogging:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Vampires don't seduce people with chit-chat, it's all done with the eyes. And women become nymphos once a vampire has tasted their blood. The most authentic version of the Bram Stoker story was done by the BBC around 1980, starring Louis Jourdan, Frank Finlay and Susan "juicy-tits" Penhaligon.

cathytopping said...

Twilight-twats. That's what I call them.

Charlie said...

"I come away from them perplexed. I don't get why they're so popular. I really don't."

That, dearest Kara, is because you have a functional, and functioning, brain.

I did enjoy Buffy on regular TV because of the humor. And Buffy boffed Angel at a pretty young age too.

Ms. Salti said...

You know I'm a Twilight fan, so I can't speak to your dislike... but I did love the post. It's kind of refreshing that there's someone out there who didn't jump on the bandwagon.

That being said, I already have my tikets for the 3rd movie... I'm weird, I know. At least I can admit it and embrace it.

Robert the Skeptic said...

I started reading but then followed the link to Mystery Science Theater... three hours later, oh yes.

So I guess the "Sweet Valley High" series didn't translate to film all that well.

Auri said...

Maybe it's because I had a repressed childhood full of literature and photography, or the fact that I graduated HS at 16... but my inner giddy girl jumps all over these stories=) Hey, I have to be well rounded SOMEHOW ;) bwahaha!!

Jax said...

I love this post. As a person who enjoys the Twilight books and also knows how utterly horrible and ridiculous they are, let me say this:

Uh, he doesn't come back as a GHOST. In the books she hears his voice in her head but it's a movie so they made it so sees him in her head. DUH.

;)

I'm going to try to Rifftrax thing IMMEDIATELY. How did I not know about that?!

The Future said...

Vamps aside, no dissing allowed of my favorite, Claire du Lune. You really should have some respect. However, I will say I will NEVER see or read this tripe (an entrail description seemed somehow appropriate).

Brendan said...

goranas - what a terrifying nickname. i never want to meet that person.

cathy - and so they shall be labeled henceforth.

charlie - lots of functional people with functional brains like Twilight. i think it's convenient escapism...but i desperately want to show them other options.

salti - i have to say, i'd watch it with you just for the laughs i'd get from your commentary.

dad - you did the right thing.

auri - i'll let you have that one, madam.

jax - please do and let me know what you think! let me just say, my favorite line was "drive me to rite-aid?". so good.

future - mom...it's just not hip.

The Future said...

So does being hip make you, and Brendan by extension, a dreaded hipster?

yinyang said...

"Doesn't she understand that's what college is FOR?"

Maybe Bella's not interested in jackass intellectuals. My college seems to be crawling with them.

kara said...

oops, that was me, not brendan.

mom - totally different meanings!

yin - would you trade them all in for a sparkly vampire with a shaved chest? don't lie!

Stinkypaw said...

I miss you too, but I'm enjoying your pickles, so it's all good! BTW, that young man doesn't do it for me (I think it's his nose, shallow I know) but Gary Oldman, as Dracula, yummy!

Orhan Kahn said...

You are hereby banned. BANNED! There is no unbanning this nonsense.

kara said...

shut it or - your opinion means nothing unless you've weakened me with beers first.

Mary Witzl said...

My husband brought home the first Twilight movie after my daughters and I had all individually and collectively expressed our disinterest. It thoroughly lived up to our expectations. I got halfway through it. My daughter managed the whole movie, but she was reading a Terry Pratchett book or she would never have made it to the end.

I just don't get it. Seriously. The whole thing mystifies me and makes me feel so out of it. Or possibly, above it.