Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Buckets for the Motherfuckin' Cure

So maybe you can tell by the title that I'm listening to Naughty by Nature and maybe you can't, but the fact of the matter is...Kentucky Fried Chicken is using pink buckets of fried chicken to cure cancer. Science has finally come full circle.

I know I'm behind the times in reporting this...but I really tried to ignore it. The commercials have been running for a while and each time I use diversionary tactics to delude myself that such a thing couldn't/doesn't exist. But I have failed and the most recent accidental viewing...well I can remain silent no longer

The proprietary rights surrounding the stupid thing won't allow me to embed the unappetizing waste of eye space in its entirety, but it can be seen
here (for those who are outside of the U.S. or don't have a TV within the U.S.. Or have a DVR).

Yes, that link will take you to the
KFC MEDIA PLAYER. Sweet jesus. As you all damn well know, I do Drink for the Cure every year, unless I'm in Europe. I have wonderful, beautiful friends who have both beat and lost to breast cancer. It is a dickbag and I want it to disappear as much as the rest of the world does. But I do not believe driving our fellow Americans to congential heart failure is the way to do accomplish this.

There must be something else we can organize. A car wash. "Wash away breast cancer." Catchy? Bake sale. "Eat away breast cancer." We can use Seinfeld's wife's cookbook to insert vegetables so they're healthy. A spelling bee! "Spell away c-a-n-c-e-r." Ok, so my ideas are not awesome, but are they really worse than pink buckets of chicken?

The exclusivity also boils my balls. There's other cancers in this world you know. There was no city-wide walk to sign up for when my step-dad got lymphoma. No specially marked packages of sunblock to purchase when my step-mom got melanoma. This special treatment is all sorts of unfair. Pink home goods for everyone!

There are people who argue that breast cancer is the main event because of the importance of breasts to our society. But I'd be willing to argue in favor of the ovaries or prostate. Shoot...where would we be without the
pancreas? Nowhere. Exactly.

So KFC - stop. You offend me with you buckets of pink saturated fat. Instead of spending the moolah to manufacture such an unappetizing food conveyance, perhaps you should just donate that money to the Komen foundation and be done with it.
Don't force your customers to associate cancer with the breast they're currently biting into. It's in poor taste.

As was that last line. And yet, I'm proud of it.

12 keep(s) me blogging:

Robert the Skeptic said...

Ahhhh I get it... so THAT'S why all the KFC discounted value meals are almost all THIGHS! Those Bastards!!

Stinkypaw said...

One (more) time when I'm damn happy to be on this side of the border! We haven't had the pleasure of being hit with those pink buckets ...yet. They suck just as much as cancer (any of them!).

Wow, that was awkward said...

Sounds like you have a cranky pancreas.

Murr Brewster said...

What color would a prostate cancer bucket be? We know it would contain nuggets.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Now I'm wondering whether hens get breast cancer. That would be too sad given the crummy lives they lead. On the other hand, are you 100% certain that having your breast bitten doesn't reduce the risk of cancer? This needs to be investigated.

Anonymous said...

Murr; it would be blue. I work in the prostate cancer curing business, I should know.

kara; I LOVE the spelling bee idea. Give yourself some credit; your ideas are awesome!

Charlie said...

Corporate hypocrisy has reached a new low, right down there with the bottom feeders.

MaryWitzl said...

I love the spelling bee idea too. And I definitely get what you mean here: a plastic bucket of deep fried anything to fight cancer is ludicrous. We've got a KFC on the Greek side of the island here. My daughter is desperate to go there -- "Just once!" -- but we've stood firm. Before it comes to that, I'll fill a pan with oil and deep fry my own damn chicken, and believe me, that would be extreme.

The Future said...

Every time I turn around there is a new pink promotion. The interesting aspect of that is they have done such a good job with branding, I immediately know what it's for as does everyone. I also have to believe if they unlock the cancer key for breast cancer or any other, other locks will open as well.

kara said...

dad - ew.

stinkypaw - KFC is everywhere, madam...just you wait.

wow - you leave my pancreas out of this!

murr - chartreuse

goranas - your ideas alarm me.

rachel - if only my ideas could actually CURE cancer!

charlie - catfish for the cure!

mary - i will mail your daughter some Popeye's before i'll let her eat KFC.

mum - there's pink toilet paper. Yes there is.

MandM said...

I love Kitchen and I like KFC :)

theWaif said...

I hope I can get mine with a side of "Coleslaw for Lupus."