Thursday, July 15, 2010

"I can no longer sit back and allow the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids"

I'm not blogging because my mother told me to. Really, I'm not. It's more that before now, I've been afraid of Russian spies reading my shit and taking my online internet secrets straight to the Motherland. I'm not having that.

But now it appears we're safe.

Listen Russia - we're all sorry that the good ol' days have gone softly into the night. They were good times. I get this. Great music, fabulous clothes, no one knew smoking was bad for you...and espionage everywhere. Like a fad. Everyone's the Third Man. I mostly blame this on the hats. How is it possible not to be up to something when you look like this:

Well the days of looking both stylish AND sinister are over.

Now people look like this:
That's your secret agent pool. What could you possibly learn from that? Is there a camera hidden somewhere in his man-tote so he can record everyone's bad shoes? I'll tell you right now, footwear has never been more important to this nation and its political leanings. And I didn't even need to go into deep cover to figure that out. But you should pay me anyway. Euros. Swiss account. And I'll know it if it's just a couple $100 euro bills on top of a pile of rubles, so don't even try it.

Do svidaniya.

6 keep(s) me blogging:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Hah, that's a quote from your dad's favourite movie! I bet he took you to see it when you were five and you loved it because you were such a daddy's girl. You loved it without understanding it. I bet you did.

Robert the Skeptic said...

This reads like the plot of a made-for-Disney movie - "...the agents had been ordered not to seek classified data, and it remains unclear if they did any harm to the U.S. government.

So what did they do, take pictures outside "Old Navy" using hidden shoe cameras?

I love this: "The agents passed on information to a Russian intelligence apparatus known as "Moscow Center," using invisible ink" ... like, they sent PAPER to Moscow? Wouldn't the intelligence be a bit dated two months after the Russian Postal Service delivered the dispatch to the Kremlin?

In the mean time the Russian ambassador was requisitioning a new Diplomatic Pouch from Gucci.

If this is the state of international espionage today we really could use Austin Powers in the CIA. "Yeah, Baby"!!

The Future said...

Actually it's your grandfather who's worried about Communists, especially if you keep growing your hair long. Some things never change.

Anonymous said...

I'm still convinced that the entire Russian Spy saga was a guerilla marketing campaign for that movie Salt. My friend planted the idea but now it's all I can believe.

kara said...

goranas - that move is from the nineteen sixties...just how old do you think i am?! sounds like it's someone else's turn for a paddling.

dad - invisible ink is still readily available...from crayola, no less.

mum - just wait til i tell him i'm a conscientious objector.

jax - i'd believe it if i didn't think that movie looked so stupid.

nic said...

It's kinda perfect, though, don't ya think? Instead of stylish and sinister, they're looking dorky and clueless. The device he's holding has a phone AND a camera built into it and ... wait! I could be a spy!! Except I spent all day yesterday uploading old pictures of my dad with bad haircuts to flickr and mowing the front lawn.

I guess not.