Cheese

This post isn't about cheese. I lured you here under false pretenses. I'm tricksy like that.

I'll post some pictures of our little jaunt to Hood River anon. Anon means later. So don't expect them right away. I have a lot of work to catch up on.

Oregon is an interesting place. A lot of equally eclectic and soulless businesses have sprung from our moist earth like Nike, Norm Thompson, Harry and David, MercyCorp, etc. We've housed Will Vinton Studios which used to be a mecca for claymation (see The California Raisins). Goonies was filmed here, as was Stand By Me, Kindergarten Cop (I KNOW!) and My Own Private Idaho. Speaking of which...Oregon is the reason the world is graced with Gus Van Sant and WAS graced with the glorious face of River Phoenix (bro Joaquin is just as hot but in an uglier way).

It is also...and most importantly...the birthplace of The Simpsons (in the form of its creator). Elliot Smith (sigh) lived here and wrote songs about the Rose Parade...Chuck Palahniuk gave us Fight Club and the fucked up house on Clinton St. with mannequin arms sticking out the windows. We have more breweries and wineries than you can shake a stick at...and I can shake a lot of sticks.

We also have salmon...salmon falling out of the sky and landing...grilled...upon our hungry little laps.

And if you have cancer...you can smoke pot.

And if you don't have cancer...I'm still relatively certain you can find pot.

And if you're gonna die anyway, you can choose to euthanize your sick self...which is nice...you know...to have the option.

And Portland is a geographical marvel in that you travel a couple hours in any direction and you can be on a beach, a volcano, in the high desert, in a green valley filled with vineyards, or in a forest with fairyland waterfalls filled with the awe-inspired laughter and flash clicks of little Japanese tourists.

It sounds like a pretty neat place, right? So why don't I like it here?

This is why.

Companies like Nau.

Nau is a clothing company that has started here in Portland that is trying to...well, let me just quote the site, "blend beauty, performance and sustainability and a business that blends philanthropy and commerce". Yep. I couldn't have said it better myself.

So I hear about it here and work...and then I hear about it on the radio and I think...hmmm, I bet they're full of shit. So I go to the website. Yep. Full of shit. And I'll tell you why; it's a valiant goal...but none of those things go together. They just don't. It's like turducken, you know? They're taking altruism and environmentalism and turning it for a profit to rich...and colorblind people.


Take this dress. This is a nice, simple dress. But $138??? And it only comes in one color? Now, I like the environment as much as the next gal...and this dress has some very cute qualities. But give me a fucking break. No one is going to
pay this. Well, let me rephrase that...no one is going to pay this and then go do roundhouse kicks in it. AND by titling it as such...this enviro-friendly garment is promoting violence. Tisk tisk.









And look at this shirt. Magic door or no, $55 is ridiculous. For $55, this thing better be hand-sewn by wood nymphs. Look at it! It's like somebody spilled coffee on it and then when they couldn't wash out the stain, they were all...'hey, this shit looks cool. I could charge a lot for it...now I'm going to go knife the homeless'.










This woman just discovered how much this "base layer meets light sweater" costs. She's stunned. But it's better as it has THREE colors to choose from...charcoal, olive and sea. That's right...the three well-known shades of depression. What better shades to sell in the Pacific Northwest where grey paints the skies from October to June. Reeeeeal smart. And the seams are "curved to reflect the organic nature of your human form". So according to Nau, there's "literally" organic and there's "figuratively" organic. Both succeed in enhancing moral superiority.



You might be wondering where I'm going with all of this. Well, I'm wondering too. But I think I'm trying to point out that while this state has a lot of progressive things going for it...there's a veneer of hypocrisy that I find hard to stomach. We rave about our recycling as we toss paper cup after paper cup from Starbucks into the trash cans. We have "organic clothing" stores in the most exclusive (and I mean that in the most non-inclusive way) and expensive section of town, and we have more earth-loving hippies driving gas-guzzling, fume seeping Volkswagen buses of anywhere I've ever seen.

This clothing company Nau is the perfect example for why this city doesn't sit well with me on a regular basis. That being said...next time I go to Starbucks, I'll probably still throw away my cup. But at least I won't be doing it in a $140 roundhouse, charcoal dress made by wood nymphs. All hail hypocrisy.

Keep Portland Weird!

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I read in the Sunday LA Time last week that Portland, Oregon is the most eccentric city in the land. I only know you there and already I'm convinced they're right.

11:34 PM

Sam left me that comment the other day. SAM...the one who has an unhealthy obsession with goats, but is a delightful volcano builder. We have a volcano up here, you know. Anyway, at first I was all, 'whatevs'. I mean, if you've ever been to LA, you'd know that people STILL rollerblade mostly naked there. And yet Portland is the eccentric one? Harumph.

But then I thought about it some more. I thought about the Volvo with the "Buy Local" sticker on it...the NAU store with their "environmental" clothing being sold for hundreds in the haughty Pearl District, the guy crossing the street that one time wearing Danskos and a cowboy hat. And then I went to Powell's to look for a book that the website said was there but it wasn't (god I hate that fucking labyrinth) and there was a car parked outside with this sticker upon it...it looked a little like this:

photo courtesy of portlandground.com

You have to muck through the visual assault that IS this person's anti-war stance, but I'm fairly certain you'll find it there in the lower right corner. Those bumper stickers are everywhere here. They sell them at Music Millenium (local High Fidelityesque music store) and you can't really count to 10 without seeing one stuck somewhere. And I guess I can see why. This can be a wacky place. I just didn't realize it was any more or less wacky than any other place (hello, New Orleans). Though the Zoo Bombers do instill some civic pride. Those crazy fuckers are cool.

After some masterful googling, I found the article Sam was referring to. Here it is. Read it if you must. And by "must" I mean are considering a jaunt to the grand Northwest or you have nothing better to do and your life is empty. But let me just warn you here...any of you fuckers consider a move that results in jacking up the house prices (Californians...I'm fucking talking to you) that are already threatening to keep me a renter til I've lost all my own natural teeth, I will tear your balls off. Even if you don't sport the man berries, I'll get them installed and then tear them off.
(current Californians that are already here and are personal and accepted acquaintances of mine may disregard disclaimer)

I will say this about the article. This is far from my favorite city in the world, but it's got some kick ass shit about it and NONE of it was mentioned in that article. He didn't even venture to the East side (S.E. RULES). So if you DO read his ramblings and think 'huh, Portland sounds like some place I'd like to visit'...read on before calling your travel agent.

There is only one decent guide to Portland out there in literary land. It is Fugitives and Refugees by Chuck Palahniuk. Not only is it the best guide there is to Portland, with the exception of the inclusion of the 24-Hour Church of Elvis, which is no longer there...it's written by the author of Fight Club...which rocks my socks off. But don't try to fucking find it at Powell's.


Word.

**update**: It is sheep that Sam is strangely drawn to in a literary sense...sheep. It is also very obvious that I am in some serious need of coffee. Which makes it all the more tragic that I don't drink coffee.

Skinny Jeans Are Not Even A Privilege

So yes. I own a pair...but in my defense, they didn't start out as skinny jeans. I just got fatter. And now they're tight. Shut up. But my beef is with these women actually buying spandex leggings in the form of denim. This trend has gone on for well over a year now and it just needs to halt. I can't look at it anymore. It offends my very nature. And I'm not that easy to offend (see the post on Crocs...and nau).

There are two things I'd like to comment on today. Both of which just fell in my lap, so to speak:



1. How to Stop Terrorism? Begin in School

Maryland High School Offers Homeland Security Courses

Sixty-one Joppatowne 10th-graders enrolled this year to spend three years learning about protecting the country against terrorism.

*Bullshit. How about we focus on bringing art back into schools. Can we do that? Please? Oh sorry, does that point of view make me a terrorist? Fuck you!

2. Unknowing Twins Marry Each Other

LONDON, England (CNN) -- British twins who had been separated at birth learned they were related only after they had become husband and wife, a senior British lawmaker said. The marriage has been annulled.

*Ew. Double ew. That being said...you have to wonder at the couple. What went on there that allowed them to get all the way to marriage...and SEX...before they realized something just wasn't right. Were there obvious signs? Did they finish each other's sentences? Share a secret language? LOOK ALIKE? Maybe it was the sex that was the clue. Maybe they both got grossed out during the actual act and went to seek therapy and the shrink was all "Hmmmmm. Maybe you're related".

The end.

Kansas is currently cheating on me with a video game. It's called something silly like Mass Effect. I'd assume it was about global warming, except I know it's about space. I know this because I happened into the living room just as some weird alien woman with large breasts asks MY boyfriend if he had feelings for her. Well, the goatee'd fighter dude that is being controlled by the thumbs of my boyfriend. After I laughed for, like, minutes about the cheesiness of it all...I started realizing that I should not be amused. I should be indignant. And that I should fight that alien bitch.

But then I reminded myself that it's only a video game and went to eat some pretzels.

All in good fun. Only if you think of video games as "fun". Which I don't. But of course this sparked a convo concerning those sad sad types of folks out there who don't actually know that it's just a video game. You know the ones I'm talking about. You know. I'm thankful I'm not dating one of those. Well, "those" don't date much, do they. Poor "those".

My, this is getting wordy. Next time, I'll talk about the book that I had me laughing so hard on the bus, people thought I was crying. Which I was.