Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The Right Stuff

I have some truly disturbing news.


As many, some or none of you know, I recently visited New York City for the second time in my no longer young life. While there, I got tickets to see Conan O'Brien. While in line to get said tickets, less than a half block away the New Kids on the Block sang and shook their geriatric boy band asses for a crowd of...well...sad people. They have reunited. Should it feel good? I don't know. For those of you born after 1985 who don't know what I'm talking about...screw you, utilize Google and get your shit educated.

What I'm trying to say here is that yesterday I saw their new video on dlisted. And was traumatized.

Let me back up. Waif is probably going to contradict this, but she's not the best at history, so just ignore her. I was never really a NKOTB fan. I had exactly one Tiger Beat poster of them. It hung low on the wall because I didn't actually think any of them were cute enough to share the same space as Daniel Day-Lewis, Brad Pitt and Christian Slater. Yes, I said Christian Slater. I know. I was young. Anyway, Laura was the one who was the fan. If she denies it, she's a big fat underfed liar.

All of this, though fun to bring up, is beyond the point. I heard their new song. I watched them lip sync to it. Jordan, Donnie, Joe, Jonathan and Danny. I always forget about Danny. Just now I had to re-look him up so I could finish that sentence. I'll include the video, because I feel it's important to provide visuals alongside any life lesson.

Watch...at least half of it. I need you to.

I'm sorry. Really. But what I'm trying to point out is not how awful their new song is. This comes as no surprise. What was traumatizing about the video will be illustrated in two parts:

1. The lyrics.

And now I'm like,
Hey, girl, don't you know I miss it,
And I wonder if you miss it too,
Never thought it would end 'til it did,
Now, I'm here and I can't stop thinkin' 'bout you.

Please take note of the line "And now I'm like,". This is what is known as the parlance of our times. I take that back, not "ours", but our teenagers'. I only know this because while dating the Ex-Systems Administrator I had a teenager in my life. And he had friends. And they spoke. This sort of thing is also appears on TV and in the moving pictures from time to time. And what the fuck is "it"? Nasty. So that's the first part. And now...

2. Their ages.

Donald Edmond Wahlberg, Jr. (born August 17, 1969)
is 39
Daniel William Wood Jr. (born 14 May 1969)
is 39
Joseph Mulrey McIntyre (aka Joe McIntyre, Joey McIntyre), born December 31, 1972
is 36
Jordan Knight (born Jordan Nathaniel Marcel Knight, (born May 17, 1970)
is 38
Jonathan Rashleigh Knight (born November 29, 1968)
is 40.

I repeat. 40.

And back to the lyrics:

In your strapless sundress,
Kickin' back, no stress,
As long as we was together,
'Cause we were feelin' young love,
And we couldn't get enough.
Baby, I could reminisce forever.

Read those ages again and tell me you don't throw up just a little in your mouth. Don't lie to me.

Now...I fully realize that NKOTB paved the way for people like Justin Timberlake to have a career. Don't think I don't know they were important. Except that I hate Justin Timberlake and want him to get sucked into a tar pit, so maybe they weren't that important. Although I still like that Bringin' Sexy Back song because he sounds like he's choking himself most of the way through it. Gets my toes a'tappin'. Either way, there would be no boy bands if they had never existed. Hell...I don't know that there would be a Britney Spears if they had never existed. Such a utopia is painful to think about.

When I put it that way, maybe they weren't worth an entire post...but then I post about shit like going to to dentist, so maybe they were. You be the judge.

No that was not a tie-in to last week's jury duty story. I'm not that good.

Roommate takes issue with my math. Says that Joey isn't 36 'til December and Jonathan isn't 40 'til November. Fuck that noise. My disgust still stands.

22 keep(s) me blogging:

Gorilla Bananas said...

You actually listen to pop lyrics? These people aren't Byron or Shelley, you know, try enjoying the tune if it's any good. Anyway, these re-unions are meant for people who were fans when they first appeared. It's a nostalgia thing.

Orhan Kahn said...

This is probably my most favourite post of them all. It has everything; sarcasm, discrimination, general hate, abbreviations, a YouTube clip, wit, Markie Mark, mistakes, an update and all topped with an epic burn ("fuck that noise" lulz).


Rachel said...

growing up as a deaf person, I was always on the sidelines of the whole boy band thing (thank god). as the outsider, I can speak as the proverbial "martian anthropologist", and I will say with utmost certianty that the whole boy band phenomenon is at the root of all the cultural maladies we have today.

among human beings, females are the bearers of culture. our powers of sex selection make us the determinants of what is "worthy" for consumption, reproduction, admiration. Young females are the engine that propells mass culture forward. Ever since the boy bands of the late 80s and early 90s, mass culture has spiralled downward to ever greater levels of banality. Ever since, the standard of culture has been fancy pompadours and pelvic gyrations. Intelligence became passe....

Anonymous said...

I thought the video was hilarious, are they trying to be funny in the white suits dancing at the end? Either way they are... It is a little bit pervy now that I know their ages, especially the bit dancing with the girls (who all look WAY under 30)

Susie Q said...

Disturbing on sooo many levels but the teenage grammar is the clincher. I mean good grief, "and now I'm like...?" Who writes that crap?
Give me a good Vanilla Ice tune anyday:
Ice Ice Baby
Ice Ice Baby
All right stop
Collaborate and listen
Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Then I flow that a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop?
Yo--I don't know
Turn off the lights and I'll glow

Now there's some serious poetry.

AxAtlas said...

The women...i mean the video looks great on mute

Sarah said...

Ok, I'm ashamed. I just watched the video and went back and forth between "Oh my God! It's Jordan Knight!!" and "What the hell are these middle aged guys doing waving their arms like 50 Cent?"

Kara said...

goranas - i heard the "and now i'm like" and it stopped me in my tracks. enough to write this piece of shit.

or - what the fuck is 'lulz'?! seriously man, use your words!

oh, and thanks.

rachel - i don't know how you managed to insert intellect into a post about NKOTB, but you did. you deserve an award made of cookie.

yvonne - i do not believe they are trying to be funny. what i do believe is that they're trying to do a little poppin' and lockin' without breaking any brittle bones. yes, it is funny.

sue - word to ya mutha.

ax - perv!

sarah - whatevs, you're totally getting tickets for their reunion tour. i'll meet you for drinks apres.

EmmaK said...

Absolutely crap video and lyrics but they don't look too bad for forty year olds. I remember coming back drunk and running up and down the corridors of my student residences in 89 singing "Hanging Tough!" and waking everyone up. I did think the band were total pants even then though.

Amber said...

They're coming to my city.

C said...

"Read those ages again and tell me you don't throw up just a little in your mouth. Don't lie to me."

You're so funny!

But I disagree with you on one point-- I don't think they're wholly responsible for Justin Timberlake. They actually have a legitimate R&B background, sorta: they were formed by New Edition's manager because he figured if he could get 5 white boys that sounded like his 5 black boys he'd make more money. Like the Osmond's with soul. But it somehow backfired because I remember hearing "Please Don't Go Girl" on black radio and seeing them on "Showtime At The Apollo" so I guess people who heard about them thought they were black and they failed to crossover until they started singing more pop-like stuff.

That really has nothing to do with JT who's attempting the reverse by attaching himself to Timbaland's hip. Really, Disney is to blame for JT and Britney Spears and even Fergie because she was on some knock-off of the Mickey Mouse club called "Kid's Incorporated".

AxAtlas said...

...but them women are not even close to matching your radiant smile and "what the fuck?" stare

Old Knudsen said...

When Mick Jagger sings 'lets spend the night together' he now means a quiet night in front of the telly.

Kara said...

emma - i'm assuming you mean "dorms" when referring to "student residences". no, they don't look so bad for their ages, though none of them were so hot to look at in the prime of youth either. i wonder if they're still living off of their late 80s money?

amber - where the eff have YOU been, lady? you gonna go see them? no judgment.

c - i totally watched Kids Incorporated. K! I! D! S!

ax - i do have one of those, don't i.

knudsen - you think so? dude still gyrates pretty energetically on stage...isn't it possible that would translate into his private life? or are there inner mechanics enabling that movement now?

tyandlaura said...

Methinks thou dost protest too much. Your feeble attempts at denial only serve to bolster my case even more -- that you were, in fact, a fan of NKOTB, and not only that, but you also had a crush on Jordan. You freely admit, after all, that the poster was on your wall next to your other beloved idols. The proof is in the puddin'.

The defense rests.

Kara said...

the defense can suck rope because it was YOU who loved Jordan.

don't forget the beans on sunday.

Mary Witzl said...

Well, I watched that video (you wanted me to!) and there's three minutes of my life that're gone forever. You're so right about those lyrics: they're crap. No one over the age of 25, tops, has any business using 'like' in a superfluous way.

They were worth an entire post, though. You could probably write about mail boxes and it would still be funny.

Stinkypaw said...

I came, I watched, and now I feel a little sick...

problemchildbride said...

Right, I did it. I watched half, I did it because it's you Kara and now you owe me beer and heaped riches. I've known about this NKOTB thing with you for a while now and always been able to fling it to the back of my mind like the appalling little thought NKOTB is, are, is...are? But this is as close as you've ever come to coming fully out about them and, even though you protest now that you know they're all wrong, I have to say i think it's unnatural and, yes, sinful to still be seeking them out YouTubely.

The Future said...

I chose to live vicariously through you rather than give up 3 minutes of my life, sorry. I wonder if there are any 80's groups in existence who invested wisely so they didn't HAVE TO COME BACK to perform after arthritis set in. I shake my head.
And be sure to read my belated comment on your last blog too while you're at it.

Amber said...

I've been around. Apparently college requires work. Who knew. Oh well. I graduate soon enough.

I am not going to see them, mainly because tickets are $50 and I think that's about $45 too much.

Macoosh said...

ok. so. i have tickets to their show. and though i laugh and giggle at how silly the whole thing is, i am excited.

i was OBSESSED when i was 7. out of control obsessed. and i actually know joey's family so i was like, insane.

now they're back and i totally want to re-connect to that silly passion. i'm sure i'll be disappointed...but i don't care.

meanwhile, this was the 1st time i watched the video and it's terrible. and hilarious---even THEY are acknowledging that danny and jon don't really exist. they're barely in it! ha!

lastly, not to defend... but they're 40 year olds singing about MEMORIES in this song. so it's not AS creepy...though it's still really creepy.

i have a new blog now. email me for the link...i don't want to post it here b/c there are certain people i don't want reading it and i don't want to take the chance.

i've missed you and your shenanigans.