Tuesday, June 12, 2007

As Though A Dead Body's Lying By The Road...

I can't look away:

(tmz.com)
Can I reiterate this?

"There were times she was so debilitated, she could NOT push the panic button in her cell."

I love this. I love this so much.

So it's been determined that Paris Hilton suffers from severe ADD and claustrophobia. Shocking no one ever knew this about her before. I mean...has the bitch ever utilized the lavatory on an airplane? Probably not. If she had, she probably would've smoked in it. Which means she would've had to tamper with the smoke detector. Which, I'm told by flight attendants, is a federal offense. Which would've landed her in the slammer...where she'd be closed in by 3 gray walls, some bars and nothing to do. Wait.

Here's a thought. If you're not used to being locked up in a tiny room with nothing to do...wouldn't you EXPECT to react to it in a way that could be described as something other than 'calm'? I (or any other reasonably not retarded person) would think that if I had to stare at an uncomfortably close wall all day with nothing to do...yes...I might just have a few spaz attacks myself.

COME. THE. FUCK. ON.

If she does a leeetle penal survey, maybe she'll find some lovely lady inmates who suffer from correctional institution-induced side effects as well and she can start a support group. She can call it Rich Bitches in Orange. Once done, provided she adopts an African baby when she gets out, she'll be well on her way to Jackie O/Princess Di-level celebrity sainthood and this tainted present will soon be the forgotten past.

I can't wait to see the Made-for-TV-Movie this whole brouhaha will result in. And it's even cool if it's on Lifetime...a 'cause I've got cable, bitches.

**Come up with a better name for Paris' support group and I'll bake you cookies!**



22 keep(s) me blogging:

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I'd have thought having attention deficit disorder in prison would be a useful thing. How bad is it for the non-ADD people who have to pay attention to it all the time? There's your population in need of medication, right there.

Macoosh said...

i feel like i could come up with a good support group name but it's late (early now actually) and i'm going to bed. i might have to revisit this post tomorrow when i'm spry.

p.s. i want your long joke since your short one cracked me up.

The Future said...

Golly gee, my heart bleeds peanut butter for the twit. I think her support group should be known as the Paris Pariahs because that's what they all are and we just want to say, go away forever, I said away!

My Little Pony said...

I have no comment, except I hope she gets so stressed out all her hair falls out (even the extenstions).

The End

Susie Q said...

Whining, sniveling, panic-button-challenged... Lordy, it would be so satisfying to slap her up-side the head. I hope she ends up with a roomie named, "Mad-Maude" who likes her littles "toys" barfing, rail thin and slightly slope eyed. Yessss...

Sarah said...

It's so obvious that she doesn't have anything important to do when she's not locked up. No responsibilities.... I would LOVE to be locked up in a small room for a little while. Have someone else cook for me, get all the sleep I could ever want, catch up on reading, etc. She should have been sent somewhere to WORK! That would have been punishment for that priviledged hoebag.

Jill said...

I'm not buying the whole "ADD with claustrophobia" angle. I think spoiled wench is having a severe attack of "Not Getting Her Way." I admit that it's probably traumatizing for her, but since your average toddler can cope with it after a tantrum or two, I think she'll survive.

Twenty bucks says she'll be kicking and screaming on the floor before this is over. I would pay a lot more than that to see it.

Kara said...

first things first. it is apparent that no one thinks i can bake cookies worthy of their coming up with a two word title for something. i am offended by this. i make delightful cookies. and i say this in a huff to all of you.

sam - wanna split some valium and listen to Doris Day records?

macoosh - i'll be waiting. and if you don't think i'd send them to ireland...you're thinking wrong. you may win by default.

future - if your heart EVER bleeds peanut butter, we'll need to go for a little ride in a big white van. with flashing lights on top.

pony - oh those are already out, remember? no hair extensions in prison, she had to leave them at the door. i think they walked away on their own. scary.

sue - wow. WOW. that's some loathing there, missy. that's the kind of wishful thinking i can get behind!

sarah - where? where? the rack? plaid pantry? the zoo? where should she work?

jill - that's a real coincidence that you bring up toddlers considering she normally wears a 2T. I think that's part of the issue...the orange jumpsuit is covering too much of her skin and she's freaking out. like with that Kafka character woke up and was a dung beetle. see how well that reference works? see?

Laura said...

The Debilitated Divas.
The Hard-timin' Hilton Ho's.
The Sniveling Socialites in the Slammer. (too much?)

I like oatmeal chocolate chip.

The Future said...

OK, I take it that means the Paris Pariahs didn't get any traction. Fine, I can take it, my hips don't want any stinking calorie-loaded cookies anyway, so there.

Orhan Kahn said...

I approve of this rant. Well done, I'm impressed.

Kara said...

waif - you're neck to neck with mom!

future - sorry, i was still reveling over your use of "stupid sluts". The Paris Piriahs is a fabulous name for a support group...or a band.

Or - well...aren't you ALWAYS impressed? i mean...come on. it's me.

apterix55 said...

She should join SLUTS (Stars Living Under Tacky Situations). Or she could join SAAD (Stars for something something.. uh, I forget...)

apterix55 said...

A PANIC BUTTON in a jail cell ?!?!?? Morons!! Some guards must be laughing their heads off after putting a garage door opener in her cell. I'll bet "panic" is even written in felt pen. Hilarious.

Kara said...

apterix - TACKY SITUATIONS????? though hilarioud...i'm not sure it quite makes...well...sense.

thethinker said...

I knew it was only a matter of time before you commented on the Paris situation.

Trouble said...

I've taken adderall for YEARS and it is NOT EXPENSIVE. There are generics, and the cost (even to my insurance) is less than $40 a month. PUhhhleeze.

Laura said...

kara - neither does "hilarioud".

Macoosh said...

"socked-soap slingin' stars" or "socked-soap slingin' sluts..." you can choose which direction you want it to go in...

or how about warden's wigless warriors? as a throwback to the loss of hair extensions...which lets face it, are glorified wigs...

Macoosh said...

or, how about calling a spade a spade and they can be the "tax-eating anorexic media scapegoats?"

just a thought...


kara, i'm afraid you've opened up a new book here with me...i might be here all day...

nic said...

I'm so out of the loop. I know she's in jail for a probation violation, but why was she on probation?

I'm with Jill- I think she's just having tantrums. Little Princess not getting her way. I hope that picture in the car gets to her- and I hope she never lives it down.

As for the support group-

whiners anonymous.
(See Jill's blog caption- she might have something there... no offense, Jill) But then if they stop whining, what will we complain about?

or poor poor princesses

and of course, any of the jailed and famous effeminate whiny men in there could join it, too.

:)

Kara said...

wow. i'll say this for the girl...she incites dialogue in a way that social or political issues tend to squelch it. in that...she is useful.