Thursday, March 27, 2008

Wonders Never Cease

What’s this?! Two posts so close together!? What can I say…I’m feeling…inspired.

So, without further ado...

Reasons Why Viggo Mortensen is Hot:

1. He never seems to age past a rakish 43ish
2. He can rock long hair and not know
3. His name is 'Viggo'...which is Danish for 'hot'. Not really, but it should be
4. He can rock a slicked back pompadour and not know
5. He seems like he might be tall
6. I can watch him put a cigarette out on his tongue and think "yummy"
7. Cary Grant chin…few can pull it off…so many try
8. He’s a poet and a painter and I still like him (turn offs. What.)
9. I never see him in gossip rags or on dlisted
and…oh YES…
10. The sauna scene in Eastern Promises
11. He's hot because there's ten whole reasons why he's hot

I hope you all enjoy the fact that I review movies way the fuck after everyone else has already seen them. I know I do.

Eastern Promises
…no wait…let me back up. I am not the world’s biggest David Cronenberg fan. This is mainly because I’m too weak-stomached to handle middle school health films let alone the bloodbaths that this guy directs. I’m concerned about the man. Someone needs to make sure puppies aren’t being tortured in his basement for inspiration. Anyway, I am one of four people of my aquaintence that didn’t pee themselves over History of Violence. This was…as many movies are to me…almost a good movie. It had all this promise in the beginning…and then it fucking TANKED. I’d like to blame Maria Bello…but I can’t. It's not her fault this time.

So, when the preview for Eastern Promises came on…I was intrigued, but not enough to go see it. I figured it would be a disappointing squibfest and it would tarnish the hotness of Viggo. Besides…Naomi Watts only has one facial expression. Dumbfounded. But, you know…then Netflix happened and *poof* it arrived on my doorstep. Or mailbox. Or mailbox a cote d’my doorstep. And I watched it. And now tattoos for everyone!

Seriously though…the plot interested me, the violence, though squibtastically gushy, was “tasteful” given the subject matter…and, um…the sauna scene was nice. I walked away from it with an interest in learning a bit more about the Russian Mafia and mild disappointment that Vincent Cassel didn’t do any of that kick ass capoeira shit over laser beams like in Oceans 12. Though to link it in plot-wise, but that's what screenwriters are for. What I’m saying here is that I didn’t hate it. And I was ready to. And then there was the sauna scene. Did I mention that already? Hmmm.

If that doesn’t get you to rent it…then fuck you, I give up.

19 keep(s) me blogging:

Jen said...

I watched it with my mother. She was embarrassed. I don't know, she may have been flipping through a magazine when Viggo was hoisting his sac over the sauna walls. I also saw No Country For Old Men with her at the theater. She was very nervous. Every time some one got shot she giggled. This really has nothing to do with your blog, but I like to share.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Damn, he's got knobbly knees. Don't let him bounce you on them on your first date, that wouldn't be right. Naomi Watts also does compassion, but only for giant gorillas.

Rachel said...

He was hot as Aragorn in LotR.

He looks good in that pic too...

as for the movie, I'll consider it. I'm on an anti-moving pictures funk right now.

Robert the Skeptic said...

Ok, so I'm still trying to figure out if you liked it or didn't like it. Some reviewers use those little star thingies... just a suggestion.

Kara said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kara said...

jen - i'm going to give you a list of 'mother approved' films for the next time you have to go take care of Sandra D.

goranas - i mind not the knees. if he wants to bounce me, you bet your hairy ass i'll be saying 'ok' with much enthusiasm. he gets those very same knees tattooed right after this pic's scene. hot.

ps: you consistently comment, like, two seconds after i post. how do you know? how? damn your 6th gorilla sense.

rachel - yes...i address that in reason number two. it makes me angry that you are unable to allow his russian accent to move over you in sound waves of hotness. but if you focus on the sauna scene (you'll see what i mean) i'm convinced you'll feel the same effect.

dad - i'd be interested to know if you did. he's good about raising 'violence vs. ethics' questions. did you like A History of Violence?

AxAtlas said...

I'm sorry. I didn't read this post. I just couldn't get passed the picture of that dude. It reminds of the horror I always see and try to block out inside the lloyd athletic club's men's locker room. The horror I tell you! The horror!

Kara said...

ax - that's not horror...that's hotness.

basically i said 'watch eastern promises

EmmaK said...

I agree Viggo is hot but not in that picture you posted. Tattoos are a huge turn off for me.

theWaif said...

He's got a little Bill Murray going on in that picture. Bill Murray with tattoos and muscle tone. Yeah, weird. "Baby steps to the tattoo parlor..." Can't agree with you on the hotness factor there.

Orhan Kahn said...

Haven't seen the trailer for this one yet, but I do know all those tattoo's tell the story of the tattooees life. Or something like that. You'd think they could just get a blog instead.

The Future said...

We have it here to watch but I'm not planning to for all the reasons you said you didn't want to see it initially, regardless of the sauna. I don't want to watch him as a bad guy. I'd rather watch "A Walk On the Moon".

AxAtlas said...

Add the NY Times to the picture and you got a dude i just saw this morning at the locker room.
So you think that's hot eh? You must be obsessed with ironing clothes?...Nevermind.
I'm going to read your post. Ah Maria Bello. Now she's me. Okey, i'm still reading...focus. Naomi Watts...yummy...sorry. Must stay focused.
Okay, cool. As usual, kick booty entry. I'll check out Eastern Promises. Thank you.

nic said...

I have a hard time getting hot over any guy named Viggo. I can't say I've seen him in anything...

See, you say you're a few years behind everyone, or so you say. I'm still watching old movies from the 40s and trying to figure all that crap out. Loving To Have and Have Not right now. Loving it.

Kara said...

emma - that's heartbreaking. a well chosen well placed tattoo can melt me like...well...something in a microwave.

waif - we've never agreed on men. russell crowe?!?! blech.

or - but what would that do for the hotness? nothing, that's what.

future - watch it. watch them both.

ax - you have a silly idea of female hotness. silly.

nic - that's a good'n. problem with me is i saw all those oldies way back when i was but a mite. tons of them tons of time. like...i could quote Bringing up Baby in the third grade. yeah. lonely days.

Kara said...

nic - ps: if you like that one, rent The Big Sleep. Also Bogey and Bacall and this chick that constantly looks at Bogey and says "you're cute". i love it...she was the first paris hilton.

Stinkypaw said...

It's on my rental list, and I only wanted to see it because Viggo is in it. I agree with you, he is hot!

theWaif said...

Oh please. I haven't liked Russell Crowe since he was in Gladiator. In fact, that's really the only thing I liked him in.

And you're wrong, we've always agreed about Johnny...unless this means you disagree in which case he's all mine! Ha-ha-ha!

Old Knudsen said...

Naomi Watts only has one facial expression. Dumbfounded.

YES! like Nicole Kidman with those rabbit teeth going huh? still Watts is hot. I'd give her some voltage.