Monday, July 27, 2009

Can Hair Deflate?

It's 89 degrees in my bedroom at 9:00 PM and I hate everything. I put off coming home as long as I could for the last few days but after a while, you just run out of places to go and you remember that the tomatoes must be watered. And so must the cat.

"Degrees" mean different things to different people. To some people, "100 degrees" promises salmonella poisoning from undercooked chicken. To others, it's an object that is only mostly turned halfway around. For me and all other Portlanders, 100 degrees means we abandon any and all fashion sense (if one may call it that) in an attempt to clad ourselves in the least amount of clothing possible without getting arrested for public indecency (on all but Naked Bike Ride day).

It's the clothing normally reserved for wear only on laundry day in one's own home with the shades drawn. The back up clothing. The
Tae-bo in your living room, but only when you're single clothing. You know what I'm talking about. We put it on and we go OUT. We go out because it's too fucking hot to stay IN. Because we don't have air conditioning. This state, collectively, is like those women who profess to forget how painful childbirth is as they prepare to push out their 8th mouth to feed. The hot days of summer fade quickly into shitty, gloomy rain and we go another year without installing AC. Imbeciles.

Which is how I end up out in public in a hand-me-down patchy jeanskirt that is so short, when I sit in a's straight cheek to vinyl. I sound like velcro when I come back up. Walking down the street I do that preggo waddle to prevent my thighs from touching as they pass to keep the friction from starting a small fire. My tank top is 10 years old and the cotton has become so thin, it's misshapen and see-through. The outfit belongs in a lawn chair at a trailer park. But I wear it, dragging my burning feet along in sandals so thin I can feel the pavement. I wear it and I'm thankful for it. When it goes back to 80 degrees, maybe I'll shudder at my knotted up hairstyle and my lack of makeup, my giant Elton John sunglasses that cover half of my face, les tout ensemble. Maybe then I'll care.

But right now...I want to crawl into my refrigerator and learn to speak Inuit.

18 keep(s) me blogging:

theWaif said...

I promise not to rub in the fact that we now have glorious, magical, splendiferous AC...except I kinda just did, didn't I? Hey, I've done my time in the sweltering heat trying to sleep in a pool of my own sweat. Why can't our bodies learn that sweat just doesn't belong some places?

yinyang said...

Maybe we can trade, and I can have a hot room while you have a 64 degrees basement cave.

Gorilla Bananas said...

How about getting a fan, Missy? If you don't want to waste electricity, give a chimp a palm leaf, they know what to do. When you go out, wear a wide-brimmed hat and lube your thighs.

Orhan Kahn said...

Why are there no half naked pictures of you sweating in this post?

No disrespect, Brendan. But I called dibs on Kara years ago. Lucky bastard!

erin said...

It's been a ridiculously chilly summer here in Western PA, until today. It's SUPPOSED to be 85 but I won't believe it till I see it.

Not that I want it to be hot, but it just feels so wrong for it to be soooo cool all the time. Like I'm not getting the proper punishment for all my deviant behaviors. You know, like not making beds, forgetting to clean off the high chair, lying around and watching movies with the kids instead of doing something educational.

Mary Witzl said...

This is a seriously funny post. I hope it stays hot there for a bit if this kind of writing is what results from it.

Really, I wish I could send you some Scottish weather right now. I'm wearing three layers, my feet are freezing, it's raining outside and has been, off and on, all day, and the slugs in my garden are scarfing up everything in sight. Sound like fun?

Stinkypaw said...

Aaawww, I almost feel sorry for you. Really. LOL at the Tae-bo clothing line, I remember those. I wish I could feel your pain, but why don't you get yourself a small AC unit, don't they sell those in the Portland area? We go from heat to freeze so rapidly over here, even if this summer we seem to be stuck on low heat with lots of rain, blerk.

Robert the Skeptic said...

You could live in Phoenix. There the weatherman calls it "warm" if the thermometer is under 105 degrees.

Remember, it's Oregon... the heat will last a week just like the ice does in winter. We have no humidity and no cockroaches.

Your horoscope says this is a good time to visit friends and relatives with air conditioning.

Charlie said...

My warm weather ensemble includes footwear by those famous designers, Flip & Flop of Southeast Taiwan.

Jill said...

Ooh, I feel for you, sister. We've had highs over a 100 degrees every day for the last 6 weeks and I have complained about it mightily. But we have air-conditioning like the good lord intended. Trying to sleep in a room where the temperature is over 75 is impossible.

Ms. Salti said...

I CANNOT imagine living without an air conditioner in the summer. Granted, I'm in Utah, but good Hell, woman! Hope you cool off sometime soon.

Wow, that was awkward said...

The only one-night-stand I ever had was during a heat wave in Chicago when I was without AC. I expressly went out that night to find someone with AC that I could shack up with, at least on the couch. Mission accomplished. She even made me breakfast in the morning.

Auri said...

So... are you saying that you need two hairdos to wear that skirt?

That's just wrong... all girls know that skirts just make a sister hotter! Come on kara... you're a smart woman! Grab yourself a pair of lose shorts... much, much better! And definitely don't go without a bra if there is any chance that the 'girls' will touch each other or the skin beneath them- resulting in copious amounts of unsightly sweat... eeeew.

kara said...

waif - if i wasn't sitting in the air conditioned dining room of our mother you'd be in big trouble for your bragginess.

yinyang - ugh...can't we just meet somewhere in the middle? like san francisco?

goranas - who needs a chimp when i could prolly talk you into it.

or - what this post is trying to tell you is that there is NOTHING pretty about the ensemble. visualize...KFC grilled chicken in a bucket.


mary - do the slugs have a brogue?

stinkypaw - b-rock had a little rolly one for his office that we put in our room, but it doesn't really work when it gets this hot.

dad - yeah, we've been spending evenings at mom's.

charlie - they're so hot right now:

jill - and no one should ever have to try. sleep without it, i mean. it's too hot for full sentences.

miss salti - good hell indeed.

wow - so you're saying i should cheat on b-rock for cold air? done!

auri - my darling woman, i haven't been able to go without a bra since i was 12. i'm actually hoping whalebone corsets come back so i can get some fucking support someday.

The Future said...

At 109 degrees or so today, I think this poor, unfortunate, melting woman looks better than I do.

Orhan Kahn said...

So you're trying to say that you're finger licking good? I am so confused!

Wow, that was awkward said...

Dude! I have a photo from today's Denver Post I wanted to send you, but I don't see an email link for you. So you will have to go here yourself. It is of your best friend hanging out in your apartment.

Twinkie said...

OMG... hahahaha... the visual is hilarious! hahahaha

I don't mind the heat. But I'm one of the few that thinks more is better, in the way of clothes. It keeps my skin from touching.. and prespiring. ewwww. So give me the t-shirt and jeans. You can keep the shorts/mini skirts and tank tops.