Monday, July 20, 2009

A Survival's Guide to...Survival.

**Updated to contain 50% less spelling/grammatical errors. And toothpicks**

There are certain things in this world that a person shoul
d just never be without. And I don't mean stored in their garage or included in their stock portfolio...I mean in a fucking fannypack attached to the waistline at all times. They are:


Key chain bottle opener.

Reading matter.


Collapsible flask.

Bobby Pins (full pckg).
TSA-approved nail file.

Without this survival grouping of goods, I fear for your welfare. And I can't help you when, as a result, you are in danger. I'm just too
far away.

I feel as though you may have questions...let me break the list down:

Chapstick - 200,000 Americans die ever year from chapped lip poisoning. The global numbers are hair-raising. Scientists haven't announced exactly how the poison is secreted through the dried lip skin, but that isn't because they don't know. It's because they know we couldn't handle the truth. And they're right. I recommend Burt's Bees.

Keychain bottle opener - 200,000 Americans have to not drink something in a glass bottle every day due to unpreparedness. Strike that - I'm fairly certain the number is much, much, much higher. These are statistics, people. No one wants to be one of those. That's why I vote no on the census.

Matches - the second half of this is...NEVER pay for them. They are placed in bars for you to take. You'll never know when you
might find yourself in the dark. And needing approximately 10 seconds of light.

Reading matter - I can't emphasize this one enough. There are only two things that really keep public transit/park/sidewalk crazy at bay and they are reading matter and earphones. The difference between the two is that reading matter can also be used as a weapon. Think about it.

Collapsible flask
- I just discovered these in New Orleans. They are the greatest invention since the olive extractor. Talk about always being carry this around and you'll be the POSTER child for preparedness. And then you can sign autographs. Wh
ile beating up boy scouts. Totally pissed. After you actually fill the flask.

Bobby pins
- Perhaps an entire package is excessive. That's only for the hard-core hair putter-uppers, like myself. They also pick locks and take out eyes right from the socket in a dirty dirty street fight. Note: you will lose on average 3 or 4 a week. So really, it's just a matter of planning. I have a usage issue. I find bobby pins everywhere in the house. By the bed, on the floor, in the kitchen, in the key candy dish. Everywhere. Don't be like me. Contain your usage.

TSA-approved nail file - and that means those rounded ones that they can't take away from you at the airport. I've never actually purchased one of these, The Future does a wonderful job of making sure I have one in my Christmas stocking every year. And it's a good thing, because I always need one. And it doubles as a torture device for anyone who thinks they sound like fingernails scraping a blackboard. Shudder. I believe they are an Obama-endorsed interrogation technique. And they'll keep your shit from being all jagged. And I'm not even joking.

Toothpicks - if you don't know how important these are, then I can't help you. And neither can anyone else. Go live alone in a tent on a precipice.

I could throw testimonials in here about how my survival kit has saved lives, marriages, sanities and souls. I could trademark and patent and guarantee the hellfire out of it. But I'm not going to. You'll just have to see for yourself. Statistics.

And this is what you get when I draw a creative blank. A
nd only eat a single Reeses peanut butter cup for dinner. If you don't want this to happen again then you need to help me out. Tell me what you want my opinion on. Do it or I'll send the Wheelies after you.

26 keep(s) me blogging:

Robert the Skeptic said...

Toilet paper... being stuck someplace, anyplace, without access to toilet paper. It comes from a horrible experience as a child... sitting there, completely helpless, looking at an empty spool of cardboard. The Horror.

I don't leave home without it.

Gorilla Bananas said...

A nail file but no nail clippers. Clear evidence that you bite your own toenails, which gives me a feeling of kinship. Fanny means vagina in England.

Mary Witzl said...

You never followed up on the toothpick thing, you know? I can't live without toothpicks. I leave them in my wake like you leave bobby pins. I'm beyond bobby pins now. I've got one of those hair sticks you can poke through a bun to hold it up. It doubles as a lock pick too.

And I heartily endorse Burt's Bees chap-stick, though I think Burt himself is even greater.

Rachel said...

No! Not the Wheelies! Anything but the Wheelies!

To my survival pack I add a pen and paper, in case of those moments of inspiration or abject deafness.

Now, I want to know, whats your opinion on...

THIS? Porno, or not porno?

If that doesn't float your boat, then:

The Apple vs PC war?
Got a preference?
Im buying a MacBook Pro in October.

Susie Q said...

The Wheelies FREAKED out my kids! Still do!
Possible Blog Topics:
Spray-on tanning
People who "dress" their dogs (cats, guinea pigs etc)
Guinea Pigs (ha, ha)
Catch and release (fishing)

Rachel Noy said...

Where DO all the hair pins go?

One of those little round mirrors with the brush inside never leaves me. That and Ben and Jerry's lipbalm, which I believe is now extinct. I might have to try Burt's Bees now.

nic said...

Who the f*ck are the wheelies and what is that impending scream I'm starting to feel the urge to share just looking at them? Screw them!

In my bigger purse, I keep my iPod (oh blessed distractor), lotion (Aquaphor, if you must know; dishpan hands are so not welcome in my life), makeup for when I'm irresponsible, and pain relievers for putting up with idiots I don't consider friends.

Food: Indian or Japanese?

Never put a photo of the wheelies on your page again. Or I'll hate you forever with the heat of a thousand suns. Yeah, you'll even feel that way out there in the PNW.


Charlie said...

Duct tape. How could you forget duct tape?

theWaif said...

Gah! The Wheelies always used to creep me the hell out. They still do. That and the woman who changed heads...god, that movie was f-ed up.

I was coming here to remind you of TP, but our daddy dearest beat me to it. Not sure any of the items on your current list would suffice in that arena...maybe the flask if you used it as a bidet sort of thing. Yes, stopping now.

Do a post on how all famous people have giant heads.

Ms. Salti said...

Those dudes are creepy as shit! I love the list. I'm cracking up. Especially at the 10 seconds of light comment. And I just applied some Burt's Bees after your suggestion... so thanks!

Stinkypaw said...

Never heard of the Wheelies, so don't care about them!

Let's not forget that Reading matter can also be use as TP in case of serious emergency! and I'm with Charlie on the duct tape... and I would add a pen or pencil

Auri said...

Oh my god... where does the brilliance come from my dear. I don't think one needs TP though if you have reading material... you figure it out. Damn, just looked up and saw stinkypaw thought of it first. I'm so unoriginal. Apparently arsenic should be on your list too in cases when one finds they are unoriginal and must end it all...

kara said...

dad - no toilet paper! show ingenuity, man!

goranas - i know damn well what it means...but i don't even care. in FACT, i blame europe as a whole for the continued existence of the fanny pack.

mary - updated just for you.

rachel - not in MY pack! you need blood, use the bobby pin as a pen and your own blood as ink! survival!

sue - that movie's not for children, no matter what the rating says. stay tuned.

ray-noy - mirrors are only helpful if you need to figure out if someone's a vampire or not.

nic - are you telling me that you've never seen THIS:

charlie - it's overrated. especially now that people use it to make wallets and clothes and shit.

waif - see my response to dad. it applies to you as well.

salti - i sleep with it clutched in my hand. a sort of 'death grip', if you will. love that stuff.

stinkypaw - well done. you get an A+ in ingenuity! the others could learn a thing or two from you.

auri - arsenic doesn't go in the fannypack, it goes in the big ring on your finger next to the cyanide capsule. learned that one from the CIA handbook. because THAT totally exists.

theWaif said...

Fine. When it's the Rapture and the alien zombies have invaded, see if I give you any of my spare TP. You go ahead and use your toothpick.

theWaif said...

Also, I hope you do a post about so-called "children's" movies that induce recurring nightmares which last well into adulthood for any child that watches them.

The Future said...

Like E.T. right, Kara? Actually, now that you mention the olive grabber, ours finally broke after about 25 years of use so be on the lookout. Great stocking stuffer (for us)!

Jill said...

Good list! I'd substitute a scrunchie for the bobby pins and add a dose of your anti-anxiety medication of choice, but no other issues. Good work!

P.S. Yes, I still wear scrunchies, even after hearing them derided on a "Sex and the City" episode. They're too useful. Work for pony tails OR buns.

Jill said...

Oh oh, I forgot to mention...If you were a redneck, you wouldn't need the bottle opener. You could open beer bottles by prying the cap off on the tailgate of your pick-up truck. Assuming you don't care about your truck's paint job, of course, which you don't if you're a real redneck.

Anonymous said...

You know, I never knew about the lip thing? But now my grampa has lip cancer. Weird. DEFINITELY apply an spf chapstick. Who knew it was an actual epidemic? Hmmm.

I want your opinion on racial relations in America. Are you for them, or against them? LOL

The Future said...

I'd like for you to comment on the rapidly eroding intellectual status of Americans in general, i.e. how can one country produce and support so many stupid people?

Anonymous said...

Possible blogging topics:

1) The recent death of the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

2) Those hispanic faith candles. More specifically the one that you burn and pray to for winning the lottery( exists).

These two might actually tie together somehow.

jenni h said...

nice. i'm now adding collapsible flask to my list. why do bobby pins disappear so quickly? even when i try to save them... =/ lost cause.

wheelies + that lady who could detach her head = nightmares till i was 10... okkay 14

Auri said...

I wonder what the purpose of keeping them separate is? Leave it to the CIA to come up with some stupid redundancy=) But you're right... not a fanny pack item...

kara said...

waif - not a bad idea.

jill - remove scrunci from containing unit and burn it. i don't care how hot it is down there. BURN IT.

twinkie - chapstick heals all.

anonymous my ASS - you can't hide, christy.

jenni - if only there was some way to affix the pins to one's skin. wait, no, that's gross.

auri - do i educate or WHAT.

Anonymous said...

Is christy someone who's comments are not welcome on your blog? My anonymous moniker was more an act of prudence than deception. But I can take my blog comments elsewhere if you are going to be all cally outy and omnipotent.

kara said...

anonhristy - don't you go anywhere. your comments are what balances the delicate ecosystem that is the comment section of this blog. happy birthday.