A Survival's Guide to...Survival.

**Updated to contain 50% less spelling/grammatical errors. And toothpicks**

There are certain things in this world that a person should just never be without. And I don't mean stored in their garage or included in their stock portfolio...I mean in a fucking fannypack attached to the waistline at all times. They are:

Chapstick.
Key chain bottle opener.
Matches.
Reading matter.
Toothpick.
Collapsible flask.
Bobby Pins (full pckg).
TSA-approved nail file.

Without this survival grouping of goods, I fear for your welfare. And I can't help you when, as a result, you are in danger. I'm just too far away.

I feel as though you may have questions...let me break the list down:

Chapstick - 200,000 Americans die ever year from chapped lip poisoning. The global numbers are hair-raising. Scientists haven't announced exactly how the poison is secreted through the dried lip skin, but that isn't because they don't know. It's because they know we couldn't handle the truth. And they're right. I recommend Burt's Bees.

Keychain bottle opener - 200,000 Americans have to not drink something in a glass bottle every day due to unpreparedness. Strike that - I'm fairly certain the number is much, much, much higher. These are statistics, people. No one wants to be one of those. That's why I vote no on the census.

Matches - the second half of this is...NEVER pay for them. They are placed in bars for you to take. You'll never know when you might find yourself in the dark. And needing approximately 10 seconds of light.

Reading matter - I can't emphasize this one enough. There are only two things that really keep public transit/park/sidewalk crazy at bay and they are reading matter and earphones. The difference between the two is that reading matter can also be used as a weapon. Think about it.

Collapsible flask - I just discovered these in New Orleans. They are the greatest invention since the olive extractor. Talk about always being prepared...you carry this around and you'll be the POSTER child for preparedness. And then you can sign autographs. While beating up boy scouts. Totally pissed. After you actually fill the flask.

Bobby pins - Perhaps an entire package is excessive. That's only for the hard-core hair putter-uppers, like myself. They also pick locks and take out eyes right from the socket in a dirty dirty street fight. Note: you will lose on average 3 or 4 a week. So really, it's just a matter of planning. I have a usage issue. I find bobby pins everywhere in the house. By the bed, on the floor, in the kitchen, in the key candy dish. Everywhere. Don't be like me. Contain your usage.

TSA-approved nail file - and that means those rounded ones that they can't take away from you at the airport. I've never actually purchased one of these, The Future does a wonderful job of making sure I have one in my Christmas stocking every year. And it's a good thing, because I always need one. And it doubles as a torture device for anyone who thinks they sound like fingernails scraping a blackboard. Shudder. I believe they are an Obama-endorsed interrogation technique. And they'll keep your shit from being all jagged. And I'm not even joking.

Toothpicks - if you don't know how important these are, then I can't help you. And neither can anyone else. Go live alone in a tent on a precipice.


I could throw testimonials in here about how my survival kit has saved lives, marriages, sanities and souls. I could trademark and patent and guarantee the hellfire out of it. But I'm not going to. You'll just have to see for yourself. Statistics.




And this is what you get when I draw a creative blank. And only eat a single Reeses peanut butter cup for dinner. If you don't want this to happen again then you need to help me out. Tell me what you want my opinion on. Do it or I'll send the Wheelies after you.