Saturday, July 11, 2009

Half-Assed Review: Twilight. You Know...For Kids!

Two weekends back B-rock was in Seattle for a nerdstock thing. Seeing as I was going to have the house to myself and I needed to save money, I netflixed some chick flicks and purchased several yards of wine. And cherries.

That last bit was irrelevant.

Of the two movies, one was
Twilight. In case you're not a 12-year-old girl, someone who has been around a 12-year-old girl or someone who has been suckered into reading all 55 of the books at gunpoint by a 12-year-old girl, let me enlighten you. Twilight is a movie made from one of a series of books for tweenies about a vampire named Edward who sparkles in the sunlight and a teenager named Bella (subtle) who wears flannel, going against everything her name stands for.

The first thing I will say about the movie - nothing at all occurs at twilight. So the title is filled with lies.

Secondly - you may be wondering why I watched the mo
vie of a book I didn't read. Two reasons. One - it was mostly filmed in Portland and the Portland area (we can't seem to beat the film crews off with a stick lately). I enjoy trying to recognize places. Two - the dude from the movie is getting attacked everywhere he goes by fans on that physical Elvis-level, so I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Especially since Portland's small enough that I probably passed his pasty British ass on the street before anyone cared that he was once Cedric Diggory.

After viewing the film - I do not understand the obsession. With any of it. And I'm totally typing this with a straight face knowing there will be another of the Sunday
True Blood soirees tomorrow night. Judge not lest blah blah blah. Still, at least those vampires have FANGS!

Yes, what I'm telling you here, people, is that I watched a
vampire film with no fangs. They're fangless, sparkle in the sunlight and for funsies - play baseball.

You know what? That's it. That's all you need to know about this movie. Consider it reviewed.

And then, at the grocery store today I saw this: It may be that camera phones are not the greatest - but if you look closely, you'll see that it's a special US Weekly magazine starring The Sexy Stars of Twilight. And if you purchase the piece of piss, you'll get a free gift. Luckily, the internet can do justice to what my cell phone couldn't. Behold the free gift below. Lip. Venom. V.


My lips ached to know the venom. Good thing New Orleans left me on a ramen budget til the Europe trip. Stopped me just in time.

20 keep(s) me blogging:

theWaif said...

Non capisco. How can a vampire be a vampire if they don't have the pointy teeth? Do they use some other form of blood-letting implement? On second thought, I don't care.

I'm with you on the lack of Twilight enthusiasm. We happened to be at Borders on the night of some book premiere or signing or whatthehellever for the latest book in the series. My eyes hurt for all the teenyboppers parading around in goth/prom garb. They're worse than Harry Potter fans, and that's saying something.

The Future said...

Maybe they're retractable fangs, you know now you see them, now you don't? No? Well, than I guess we all just have to take them at their word that they really are bloodsucking V's. Whatever.

Charlie said...

Damn good review of a piece of crap. From the ten gazillion reviews I've read of the books, the writing is super-crap.

And since when do twelve-year-olds go out with grown vampires? Geeze, even Angel and Spike drew the line at pedophilia.

rachel said...

I decided a LONG time ago never to read or watch the Twilight shit ever. this review only cements my position.

Thank you for your public service.

How was nawlins? you know you HAVE to write a post on that!

Brendan said...

What you can't see in the cell phone photo is my sexy, venomous pouting lips hovering just over the top of the magazine bag.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I never knew any of this existed. The lip venom doesn't make sense - vampires aren't snakes and don't poison their victims. Are you sure it's not a lubricant for oral sex?

Robert the Skeptic said...

I'm reading this in Las Vegas so there is no way I am going to even let the THOUGHT of fangless-vampires enter my brain. I just want the jangly slot machine music to stop... please make it stop !!

Rachel Noy said...

Surely venom is the last thing you should put on your lips. Even the free gift is stupid.

erin said...

My little sister loved the books, and thus no matter how many people recommended them to me, I couldn't bear to read something my 11 year old sister loved. Just seemed wrong.

So I got away with it forever and ever, then one day my dad dropped off all of the books at my house. "These are a present from your sister."
After they were piled up on the window seat in my own house, just calling me...I couldn't resist.

I read all the books in five days. But I wasn't all that impressed. I certainly wanted to know what 'happened next', but the characters were generic, the angst too fakey girly for me and the adults were all freaking idiots. Typical teen shit.
I haven't seen the movie due to the 'sparkle' thing. My dad said he laughed out loud in the theater when he took my sister to see it. Said the whole movie "sucked". ha.

AxAtlas said...

1) Stating the obvious...the obsession is all based on today's viral marketing how Dane Cook rose to stardom.

2)Netflix incident: I wanted to rent Blind Date (not just to see Stanley Jordan rawk out the two-handed finger tapping in the recording studio). Instead by accident I got Blind Date Uncensored the tv show outtakes. I ended up watching it anyway. Funny stuff.

3)Seen 'Feast of Love' with Morgan Freeman, Selma Blair and...others? Makes me wanna hit up Fresh Pot in NoPo.

Stinkypaw said...

In the books they have fangs, and like for every other stories the books are always better than the movies/series. I don't understand the obesession either, even if I did enjoy reading it all.

Isn't V from "True Blood" though?

Auri said...

Oh Kara... shame... you like True blood... (I'm dry heaving in the background). teeheehee. Then again... I'm one of those 'too old to like Twilight' kind so I guess I should not judge =)
Hope you're having fun!!

tiny sneezer said...

No mention of the other horrible chick flick we watched that weekend - the blathering, ridiculous Shopaholic? That's fine, just fine, I can handle it.

Mary Witzl said...

I'm with Charlie here: the only people who like these books seem to be breathy young girls, and what a shame. The heroine does little more than Be a Good Girl Who Does What She's Told and swoon over Edward. (Check out what A Paperback Writer on my sidebar says about these books, if you get a chance. She's not a huge Twilight fan, and she does a very good job of pointing out Twilight's wimpiness.) I lucked out: my daughters wouldn't have touched the Twilight series with a stick even when they were twelve. I always knew that if I bore up with Sweet Valley Twins and The Babysitters' Club, I'd be home free some day.

Ms. Salti said...

Auri was telling me about your dislike of Twilight and the comments you had on here. We were laughing about it last night, so I thought I'd check out your blog! I love my True Blood (and I also love my Twilight - don't judge me)!!!

Love your sarcasm!

theWaif said...

What's up, Pronto Pup? We wants us a new blog postsesssess...

Anonymous said...

A little late in the game here. But yeah, the movie was shite. I got chumped into watching it because the twenty-something girl I was dating was all into it. Startlingly so for a girl twice the age of the target demographic.

I didn't realize it was filmed around Portland, sadly. That would have certainly made it a little interesting to watch. I mean come on...yes she was in high school, but Bella falls in love with this guy the first day she meets him? And he was being a total dick.

Anyway, I got sucked(the pun is accidental) into watching True Blood every week, well...the weeks it is actually a new episode. It started with a pre-existing attraction to Anna Paquin. But this season is starting to feel like the more recent seasons of Entourage and the second season of Concords. And by that I mean a major jerking off. A bunch of crap you don't care about with a cliff-hanger in the last 2 minutes. Get to the point already.

kara said...

waif - they're all poop

mum - how do YOU know so much about vampires, hmmmm?

charlie - you have a lot of opinions.

rachel - it's too hot to write about new orleans

b-rock - you sexy.

goranas - does lube come with US Weekly?

dad - how's the trip? see you next weekend!

ra-noy - speak for yourself! i look great in it!

erin - i can't judge people for reading matter. instead i just judge people who don't read.

ax - blind date (the movie) is on TV all the time.

stinkpaw - yes it is. i smell cross-brand marketing. and fried chicken.

auri - every time a woman admits to not liking sometimes naked hot men with accents, a fairy dies. and an angel gets its wings.

sneezer - there wasn't enough substance to it. honestly, what does bruno see in her?

mary - what's the opposite of a breathy young girl? a dry-heaving one?

mme saltini - finally - a woman who knows what's up. your good sense is welcome here.

waif - you don't tell me.

anon - stop dating children. and the point of true blood is that it has no point. except for one. and that is to put eric in as many man-tanks as possible.

Auri said...

I'm crying silently on the inside for the death of the fairies (not really) =)

Edelweiss Transplanted said...

As the T-shirt says: Real Vampires Don't Sparkle.