Monday, August 03, 2009

BodyWorks - On A Totally Different Level

When listing out possible blog topics needing my opinion, Sue listed"spray-on tanning". I can only venture to guess that this means she wants to know my opinion on both the the act of spray-on tanning as well as the fact of it. Let's break it down into scientific/Egyptian-shaped outline segmentation portions:

I. Spray-on tanning exists.
A. spray-on versus sun contact with skins
B. spray-on vs. attacks by flesh-eating zombies
b. flesh eating zombies with spray-on tans - the existence of.

II. Ok, so maybe I don't exactly remember how to form outlines. It's been a long time since I was in school. And I'm thankful for that time. It's taken me this long to stop analyzing everything that comes at me into a 5 paragraph essay with a thesis sentence. School can fuck you up. Simple as that.

What I'm trying to say here is that I'd find an attack of flesh-eating zombies infinitely more terrifying IF they also sported spray-on tans. And even, EVEN more terrifying would be contemplating whether or not they received those tans prior to their zombified status. Because what if the answer to that was 'no'. No. Think about that.

That would mean that someone has to finagle them into that room where they get sprayed and must thereafter extract credit card information...the whole time the undead growls and grasps at person of the poor innocent spray-tan-facility flunky. The horror.

And the worst part is, you know they're not making more than $8/hr.

Damn this economy.

Damn the undead.

Damn spray-on tans.

Good evening to you all.

15 keep(s) me blogging:

Gorilla Bananas said...

I'll let you into a secret about zombies (which originated in Africa like most things). They're sissies because: (a) they can't move faster than 2 miles per hour and (b) they're harmless if you cut their heads off. Your fear of them is either based on: (a) ignorance or (b) being too much of a fat ass to outrun them.

Rachel said...

I think zombies get spray-tans because they are afraid of skin cancer. Zombies are people too!

erin said...

I think I have some sort of mental blanking out problem when it comes to spray on tans. Or tanning beds/booths in general.

When I ask someone why they would do that, I can't never remember their answer. It's like I just totally blank it out of my mind as being ridiculous and inconsequential.
Why would I do something like that?

Robert the Skeptic said...

As a father, let me just say that I am happy that you are applying Science in your everyday life.

Stinkypaw said...

I'm thinking that spray on tans are in fact a form of flesh eating zombies!

Charlie said...

I agree with your dad. Your analysis was absolutely superb.

I think all the talking heads on Fox News are reanimated zombies, and they use spray on make-up.

Ms. Salti said...

I like GB's comment!
Not sure where the idea for this post came from, but it was very informative!

Susie Q said...

I am honored, beyond words, that you would use one of my requested blog topics and I know I speak for all of your loyal followers too! The fact that you took spray tanning to another level with the addition of the un-dead, well it just speaks of your blog prowess.
There I'm done with the rump kissing, now where's my 20 bucks?

kara said...

goranas - thank you, my darling primate, for calling me an ignorant fatass. you're on comment probation until you get nicer. unless you're not actually talking about which case - good one.

rachel - wrong rach...they WERE people. actually - i don't know their classification.

erin - because you have a painful repressed childhood memory having to do with spray-on tanning solution and some honey?

dad - and nonsense. i apply that too.

stinkypaw - oooh, what an idea! perhaps it's the new bio warfare?

charlie - well, to be fair, so does jon stewart. make-up, i mean.

ms. salti - i ran out of posting ideas so a couple of posts back, i told people to leave what they wanted my opinion on in the comments. i'm slowly going through them.

sue - was there to be payment? i don't recall that as being part of the deal. how about i just give you a high-five when next we meet? or even a hug? you know i hate hugs. it'd be a coup for you!

Twinkie said...

HEY I think I dated that guy in the yellow cap in his undead state.

Rachel said...

Yeah< I came back to check up on the blog and that creepy guy in the yellow cap is still there.

Seriously, what the EFF is up with the yellow hat? He sticks out like a sore thumb. Is he their leader or something? maybe thats his "crown"?

Whatever is going on with that dood, I'm totally creeped out by that hat.

Mary Witzl said...

So you're not a fan of spray-on tans either? Good: the more of us, the better. Soon the world will be ours.

I'm a sort of sallow yellowy white. I'm naturally that color and it didn't cost me one dime. I'm not about to start shelling out just to be a slightly darker color with nasty streaks all over the place.

The Future said...

Only you could twist innocent spray-on tanning into the Night of the Living Dead. I wonder how much these pale, eyeless extras got paid for this scene, especially the guy in the yellow hat? That's alot of opaque contacts.

kara said...

twinkie - hope you're in witness protection

rachel - they want us to know that bike messengers can be zombies too, damnit! emphasis on the 'damnit'!

mary - we should start a pasty gang.

future - well some parts of me come from you, so i guess that makes you messed up too. yay!

Auri said...

I love zombies... they scare the shit out of me (in a good way). And I'm pretty sure that the poor girl in the tanning studio is a zombie anyway... so she probably feels right at home.