Monday, January 18, 2010

Analysis so deep, you could preserve a peasant in it

The last week's quake news was too deflating for frilly blog posts, so I just bagged it and drank a lot instead. It wasn't so much as a coping mechanism as it was a way to pass ones time without thinking too deeply.

Though by the third drink, the trend reverses and self examination begins. That's always dangerous. The only way to battle such a moment is to begin a dance party immediately. It is for this purpose that Justin Timberlake has been invented. By Japanese scientists. Like those sex dolls. But, you know, to fulfill a different need.

Anyway, frilly posts are totally back. You know, when I think about it, one could argue that they also serve a purpose. I'm not exactly sure what that is, but if I say so with the right amount of gusto, you'll believe me. That's how it works for the Shamwow guy, at least.

All of this is leading up to this statement:

I hate American Apparel.

I want to punch this girl in the kidneys. We get it. You sell tights. Tights in shades that don't match or compliment anything, so you have to wear them by themselves. Bravo. Now shut the hell up.

Never has a company been so successful at pushing leotards onto the general public disguised as actual clothing. Hot pants, stirrup pants, body suits, t-shirts...all made out of the same lycra in blank primary colors. And people buy it. They buy the fuck out of it. And I just don't know why. No one's going to cast them in a remake of Flashdance, so what's the point?

Maybe all the hate comes from the fact that I don't look like that in tights. Standing straight as an arrow still yields unsightly lumps where the flesh is constricted. Bending into a pretzel would really end up looking more like a scone. Home made...not store bought. It wouldn't be pretty. But I love to wear tights UNDER things. They keep me warm. They dress up my legs. They keep my shoes company. They're...essential.

But I won't buy them off that skinny bitch above. Her face will be hanging in the window as I shop just watching me. Knowing that the lumps will be there. I don't need that. No one needs that. Besides. I need patterns in my life. We all need patterns in our lives. And American Apparel will never understand that. Because they're stupid.

I win.

9 keep(s) me blogging:

The Future said...

You win...a pair of nondescript tights. I don't know if you could really call that a win. We are moving the Sunriver week to August 15th btw.

Robert the Skeptic said...

In the 24th century (well, according to Star Trek writers) we all will be wearing lycra nano-carbon filiment body suits instead of suits, dresses, etc. Our bodies will all be perfectly fit and even old guys like me will look buff like Recardo Montalbán at age 89.

Oh and sage advice from Dad: Stop at two drinks... two is better than one, but the third is always a disappointment!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Ah stop complaining, the lumps imply fertility and other good stuff. That stick insect in the advert is virtually unspankable - which not a healthy thing.

Anonymous said...

YES! I admit I like the look of legging/tights and tunic trend, but I have really really fat thighs and dont really rock the look. :(

macy's has lots of patterned tights, if youre interested.

Mary Witzl said...

Me too! I win too!

The truth of it is, I can do what that girl is doing. But I sure don't look like her when I'm doing it. And I LOVE my colored tights.

Someday, they may want to do a remake of Flashdance with, um, mature women in it. It could happen, right?

Stinkypaw said...

Tights are good for stick people. I'm not stick :-(

Jill Day said...

American Apparel is very popular with my 17 year old. I bought her a very plain, basic sweatshirt for Christmas for $42. $42!! What a rip off. But what do I know??

kara said...

jill - you tell her that you know that is NONSENSE! i'd rather an obsession with urban outfitters than that horrible sweatshop for americans.

i'm scared to ask which one is 17 at this point...because they'll all be 10 years old to me FOREVER.

Ms. Salti said...

I don't consider myself prude by any stretch of the imagination, but their ads always kind of shock the hell out of me!