Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Little Miss DEAR GOD NO!

Listen. This exists:

I watched a half of an entire hour of this show tonight and now feel as though some of my soul has been stolen. Not in the way a camera steals it...but in the way small children dressed up like harlots primping around a stage like they're puppies for purchase way.

One common element in all of these girls' stories is that their moms are all cows. When I say "cow", I'm not necessarily referring to their weight but more of their bovine features and behavior. Pair that with a southern accent, because they all have them, and one can't help but reach judgmental conclusions.

Here's some special features of what this half hour entailed.

On why mom has her daughter in the pageant: Amber is naturally beautiful and in our society people are judged differently when they're ugly.

On dresses...also known as "wow wear": They cost between $300-$500 and the judges can easily discount them due to length and/or color combo.

On teeth and the "flipper": If you're at an age where you're missing teeth, a flipper is an absolute must. They can cost up to $500.

On the most shockingly inappropriate 'talent' routine: She's our little 9-11 firefighter!

All the while, the cows take pictures of their overdressed, over-glitzed calves with throw-away cameras and tearful nods of encouragement. Once it's all over, the girl who winked at the judges mid-routine wins and the pageant director...this fop below..croons about "citrus colored rainbows" and how "you are what you feel"

Why did I need to force the fact of this show's existence on you? Because despite the stilted voice-overs and linear storylines...these are real people. Real mothers. Real daughters. All Americans. No wonder we can't get a flipping health care resolution passed. My hope for change is dying with every new reality show that burns into the plasma (I'm talking to you, Jersey Shore).

In the meantime, I hope these little girls take manage to something away from their ghastly experiences in front of the camera...if nothing other than the knowledge that flippers can be used as a weapon.

15 keep(s) me blogging:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Well, it's easy to sneer at such events. But one should never refrain from doing something just because it's easy. How much would I have to pay you to dress up in one of those dresses and do a little routine for the camcorder?

Orhan Kahn said...

Why you hatin' on Jersey Shore for? Nothing but pure quality!

I don't even know if I'm kidding anymore.

Rachel Noy said...

Those girls look like they're shrunken middle aged trailer trash, with their outdated hair and shocking lipstick. Sick sick sick. I call paedo fodder.

The Future said...

I guess I'm wondering why this kind of exploitation of children isn't illegal, especially if they're your own kids?

Robert the Skeptic said...

Your Mom and I entered you in one of those pagents when you were that age... but you chompped down on one of the judges like a Pit Bull and left your "flipper" embedded his arm.

... well, not really. We were just scared you would so we didn't even try, actually.

Ms. Salti said...

I've seen these shows before and they make me sick. I really don't understand thee mothers who force this upon their girls. Most of them don't seem to actually want to be there!

Rachel said...

LMAO @ Robert the Skeptic.

I love your parents.

Also, I cant bear to watch these things; they give me nightmares second only to Steven King's Clowns.

Auri said...

I thought the clip was going to be a public service announcement against them... and then it turns out to be an ad... I'm so confused, horrified. I feel a little nauseous and think I'm going to go throw my daughter outside for a while so she can get dirty.
Thanks for that

Jill Day said...

This show makes me sick! What's wrong with these people?? My kids like to watch, they think it is so funny, but the fact that they are real people makes it not funny to me. The mother of the kid always looks like she is living her 'dream' through the child. Very, very sad and disturbing.

kara said...

goranas - give me a number and we'll talk. mama's got student loans to repay.

or - you're foreign, so you're not allowed an opinion. please siphon it through chandi.

rachel - yes.

mom - thank you for having unattractive enough daughters to not be tempted.

dad - lies!

salti m'lady - you know what makes me sick? mushrooms. disgusting. but yes.

rach - divorced when i was two and their still hilarious. love it.

auri - the public isn't outraged enough to do a bit. i'm trying to rectify that. as a parent i expect your support

jill - what's sad is that your children are beautiful enough to OWN this kind of competition. but you stayed strong and put them in sport instead. this is the wiser path.

AxAtlas said...

they're like our future pharmaceutical sales reps

Auri said...

You got it babe

Charlie said...

This whole thing gives me the fucking creeps.

I still lived in Denver when Mommy or Daddy killed JonBenet Ramsey.

Mary Witzl said...

This is just pathetic and horrible and I wonder how mothers can do this; I swear to God, I thought it was a joke at first! This sort of thing is crazy when we finally have the leisure and wherewithal in the western world to let our kids enjoy childhood (instead of working as chimney sweeps and sweat shop drudges). What will those girls do when they're older? They're missing out on so much: all that gussying up is as time-consuming as it is expensive.

My kids are both cute. People used to tell me that I should stop working and take them to a modeling agency in Tokyo to make a fortune off them. My poor deprived daughters. They had to babysit, clean rooms, and wash dishes just to make a few bucks.

nic said...

is it just me or does that guy look like one of the roller guys from that creepy picture you showed us from the second Oz movie? He looks like a demon.

And I never understood the whole pageant thing. Maybe it's because my mom never had a southern accent. But she did live on southern avenue.. thankfully that was not enough.

I thought about getting the short into modeling. Who knew that cost money to get started? Bah. It's crap.