Friday, March 19, 2010

Oh How St. Peter Will Laugh in My Face.

I worked from home today and so therefore, the TV was on. Strangely and wonderously - Little Women showed up on ET (the channel, not the movie). What are the odds. It was in-between some Kardashian-related reality show and celeb news. Who's idea was that? The one intern with the English degree?

Anyway.


Every time I see any of the various versions of Little Women, I feel bad about myself. I should be more like Marmee. I should be more like Meg. Shit, I should be more like Jo...outspoken but still confined to the parlance of the times.

But the fact is, I'm not like any of them. In my constant quest to make people laugh, I often (not necessarily purposefully) try/end up being the most outspoken/inappropriate person in the room. Mean comedy has it's place...Lenny Bruce has shown us that, if no one else. It's a necessary evil, someone has to provide it. I just never thought it would be me every single fucking time. In almost ever social occasion, there is something I say that I look back on with almost cringing guilt. Whatever it is, it gets a laugh at the time, but I spend the remainder of the evening mortified that I said what I said...and it eats me up inside.

Tonight is no different. It's like I can't control what comes out of my mouth...a character flaw that I sincerely hoped would improve with age. Sadly...it hasn't.
So what do I do? Accept that I am always going to be the inappropriate joke teller who gets the laugh but burns in a personal hell for it later? Or try to change?

I fear it is hopeless, mostly due to alcohol. I get relaxed and I sometimes forget my audience. But is it a gift? Or a curse? There is nothing I enjoy more - watching people crack up at whatever nonsense I've spouted...but knowing that there's one person in the room who may be touched negatively...sucks.


The fact of the matter is, I probably won't change. And that may be ok. There's a place in society for us...the not-quite-as-bad-as-Andy-Dicks. Nature has placed us here and so we shall remain. I guess if we offend to often, our social circle will dwindle. Let's hope that happens before I start giving guilt hugs, shall we?

Happy Friday.

11 keep(s) me blogging:

Gorilla Bananas said...

You can't stop being you, Missy, that would disappoint everyone. "Why has Kara becoming so boring?" they would say. If you're guilty you could (a) apologise to the person you might have offended and (b) make a few self-deprecating jokes to show some self-awareness.

In the last paragraph "to often" should be "too often". Missing an 'o' offends me, it's like chopping off someone's head.

The Future said...

Methinks if you have to apologize at or after every social event, your sincerity will fall into question. I think if you start to see people duck or not make eye contact with you, then you have gone too far. There's always the elimination of the enabling liquid but that doesn't seem to be the popular choice. The only other thing I can suggest is count to ten every time something comes into your mind that is giving you that gut tugging feeling. Maybe you'll find yourself successfully rewording or rethinking the telling.

Charlie said...

If St. Peter doesn't like your instantaneous remarks, then the hell with him. After all, it was his boss who gave you the gift of blurtation; that is, the gift to spout zingers by completely bypassing the brain.

To assuage your guilt, I agree with the banana eater: a self-deprecating joke or two helps a lot.

rachelslessonslearned said...

for once, Goranas actually said something useful. meaning, he said what I would have said, only he said it first, and for that alone, I hate him. Curse you, hairy ape!

also, if the guilt gets very bad, you can always butcher your hair.

Robert the Skeptic said...

I would attribute part of your personality quirks to genetics. Ever notice that there are almost no pictures of your Dad without some inanimate object (seldom ever a hat) on his head?

Jax said...

I've felt like that many, many times. Since I'm currently not drinking I have noticed my tendency to insert my foot into my mouth (even if for a laugh) has decreased. I have a good friend who is even worse than I am, and while sometimes I'm a little perturbed at what he says... he wouldn't be the same person without that quality. He's almost-as-bad-as-Andy-Dick, but I still love him lots. I expect your friends feel the same way about you.
I agree with everyone else. If someone shows signs of being truly offended, apologize to that person. And then go up to everyone else and laugh about how so-and-so can't take a joke.

kara said...

goranas - the fact that i wrote this at what time i wrote it and the state that i wrote it in...it's a miracle there were as few typos as "ever" and "to". so they stay. because of pride.

future - you've known me long enough to know that i'm almost just as bad sans alcohol.

charlie - those get in there too. consider me an unsuccessful liz lemon (30 rock) in that respect.

rachel - what? my hair? how? why?

dad - well THANKS dad. i'm so a supporter of eugenics.

jax - such good advice. and i'm glad to see you blogging again!!!

Murr Brewster said...

What I hate is when you get off a really good line and the other person doesn't get it and then YOU'RE the stupid one.

You could just try keeping friends who are impossible to offend, like me.

And you probably knew this, but the alcohol and the comedy that tends towards hurtful are both signs of anger.

Woozie said...

I talk more shit about blacks and gays than all other cultural groupings, to be honest. That always, er usually, works out well for me.

Stinkypaw said...

I tend to be that way, comes out my mouth quite fast, BUT unlike you I don't feel guity. I've been working hard at trying to filter what & how I say things, and if at 43 it hasn't improved that much, I'd say I've come to somewhat accept it as being me... At least you can "blame" booze, I can't since I don't drink ;-)

theWaif said...

Better to be hilariously offensive and popular than boringly nice and friendless. That's what I always say. To myself.