Monday, July 31, 2006

Stealth Fan-Hating Ninja Midgets

Last night I went to sleep with the fan on. I know I did...I had been attempting to clean and the room felt hot, so I flipped it on before crashing into the bed head first and missing my pillow completely. When I woke up this morning...the fan was off. It had not been knocked down. My electricity was still on. It was nothing accidental. The knob was turned to "off". This can mean only one thing. Sometime in the middle of the night stealth fan-hating ninja midgets snuck in through my open window and brutally and violently turned off my fan. I'm lucky I wasn't killed.

In other news, my grandma is officially off her nut. I was house sitting for my mother this weekend so she could take the old people to a family reunion in Spokane. My sister and I have decided that the Family Reunion Tradition will officially die with our generation. We're going to kill it dead and then kick its lifeless body. That's how much we hate family reunions. We'd spend 4 hours driving somewhere to hang out with the close family members we see all year long and ignore the third and fourth cousins from bumpkinland. Pointless.

So back to my grandma. She corners me in the kitchen talking about her problems with constipation and how she likes to use the toliet at the house because she can "lean back". Apparantly if you want to "empty your bladder of waste, you gotta leeean back" (yes, there are motions). I just stared at her blankly. She didn't seem to notice. I'm signing up to be euthanized by 75.

19 keep(s) me blogging:

Kara said...

I'll bet it was Lula who turned off your fan, she probably wants to you die of heat exhaustion in your sleep so she can rule the apartment. I always thought she had an evil glint in her eye...

And I agree wholeheartedly with your stance on family reunions. It always seemed to me like a torturous waste of a Summer Vacation weekend to have to sit and eat watermelon with these strange people whom I have nothing in common with short of a supposed distant relation.

Laura said...

Oops, the above post was by me, not Kara. Sorry to confuse...

Amy said...

Family reunions are all scams. My dad's uncle has hosted one every year for the past 5 decades but somehow we are never invited. Not that we would go anyway. Why don't people just call it a party and then call it a day, because you really just invite the family you want to see.

As for your fan, I agree with Laura... 'twas the cat. She's trying to kill you. You might want to think about striking first.

Just a suggestion.

~Amy

AxAtlas said...

Stealth fan-hating ninja midgets??? What makes you think they were midgets? Now I have an image of a stealth fan-hating ninja midget on the shoulders of another stealth fan-hating ninja midget switching a fan's knob.
Family reunions??? Wow. That sux. Waste of time and...wait. Do yours include games like potato sack races and red rover?
I'm deeply sorry that you had to hear your grandma speak of such...I'm deeply sorry.

AxAtlas said...

yes it was. i'm 27 now...but i still feel sooo young even while my head feels like its collapsing.
awwww shucks. thanks for the cupcake and the candle. what should i wish for?

AxAtlas said...

I'm totally gonna steal your idea. Okey, I wish for a hot woman who gives it up fo' me hollas and has lots o' millions o' dollas.
We will get married and she will give me half of her money...okey, she will give me 3/4 of her money. That's all I have for now (blows out candle).

Jen said...

Well this one really pushed some people's buttons, seeing how you've garnered close to one thousand comments. 75? That means I have 39 years left. I better do something worth remembering. Perhaps I'll take a cheese tour in France. Or come up with a stealth fan-hating ninja midget early warning system, or
S.F.H.N.M.E.W.S., to alleviate such midnight tomfoolery, and become a millionaire in the process. Excellent. Bring me my plan-drawing paper...

AxAtlas said...

Yep. I agree. It's also better than chatting over IM.

AxAtlas said...

Feel the burn! No pain, no pain!
It's a good workout. I recommend typing with sweat wristbands...if you don't do this already.

AxAtlas said...

Are you one of those people who take the elevator to go up one floor?

AxAtlas said...

Phew! Thank god you're not one of those! If you were, I don't think I could make comments over your blog ever again.
You take ballet??? Twinkle toes!
Ohhhh this word verification below is a tough one.

Niall said...

Hmmm, have you ever read any of Iain Bank's books? Specifically the 'Crow Road'? The first person (it's written in the first person), has some interesting conversations with his Grandmother. You should read it! Talking about back seat experiences now ...

On to family reunions. I agree. It's the insinuation of the name which spites! Call it a party (and not a family party!!), and people won't mind coming, until they realise they have been foiled, and it's only a reunion. Damn them!!

AxAtlas said...

Yeah I like your blog. Neat colors. Perhaps you should work towards twinkle toes. Wait. I forgot. You don't like the idea of work.
Ahhh the wundafullness of Central Standard Time. It's almost 4:30. I'm leavin' the office right about now!
ktrlm...whoops. wrong box.

AxAtlas said...

Define mentally unbalanced. Seems like everyone is mentally unbalanced.
Good luck on finding someone who understands and laughs at the Mighty Boosh.
Oh and thanks for your last comment from yesterday.

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