Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Braces, Mushrooms, Old People, Sharks & Light Blue Jeans

All things I hate...for future reference.

I mean, I'm not going to refer to them, but you might. Who knows why you do the things you do.

It's Valentine's Day. VD. Coincidence? I think not.

The office is having a chocolate party.'s ok to work here. Susan, (heretofore to be known as Tiny Sneezer) and I brought in a velveteen box of chocolates with a spin thing on top. You can spin to "foot massage" or "butterfly kisses" or "ear nibble" or (my favorite) "ladies choice". It's perfectly appropriate for the office. One must always be appropriate. And we are. Always.

Christ I'm bored. And a little hungover, to be completely honest. That must be why I'm longing for bacon. Normally I don't long for bacon ever. In fact, I didn't eat bacon for years and years...and then Marie introduced it to me as a hangover cure. Now it's like going to a chiropractor...I'm hooked. That's kind of a stupid comparison. Nobody use it. But I probably shouldn't have bacon for lunch if I'm going to a chocolate party. Mmmmm, lunch. It's not even noon yet. And I've already had a cookie. What the fuck is wrong with me?

My grandma was telling me a story the other day, about how during the depression she used to come to a lunch counter downtown and have lunch...which consisted of buttermilk. All you could drink for a nickel. For you foreigners, that's 5 cents. That was lunch. And I'm sitting here salivating over the thought of bacon. Glutton. Sinning, sinning glutton.
I tried buttermilk for the first time at her retirement home, or as I like to call it...The Lion's Den (evil evil old people EVERYWHERE). It was yellow and she puts pepper in it. Pepper in milk. Yellow milk. Anyone else gagging yet?

Fuck this, I'm going to get bacon.

15 keep(s) me blogging:

Jen said...

You know they are reprogramming your grandmother at that "home". Probably to work the bio-farms on Tiberion 4. And that buttermilk memory? Definitely implanted.

A chuisle said...

i miss my chiropractor...

froelica said...

Recipe for the cure for the common hangover (discovered while camping with the MacMillans):

Grilled English Muffin slathered in butter
American Cheese
Fried Egg.
(Add Canadian Bacon if you are a heathen, er... Meat eater)

Hand to god. I was SOOOOOO hungover before I ate this. I ate TWO of them and felt fine and fucking dandy. It works.

froelica said...

And furthermore you are a fool for hating mushrooms and sharks. A FOOL I tell you.

Happy VD!!!

thethinker said...

I'm not gagging. But I sure am craving bacon. And eggs. And pancakes. I'm craving BREAKFAST at 6 p.m. Thanks a lot.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I used to sell buttermilk to little old ladies in the health-food shop I worked in as a teenager. Nobody bought it but old ladies. It's an old lady thing like pearl rinses and scones and housecoats. We'll all want some when we're old. I've got my eye on the housecoat I want for then too.

You don't like mushrooms?

Wierdo. I certainly shan't be reading the blog of a mushroom hater any more.

Hmm. These are very no-road-back words, aren't they.

Not even portabellos? They're practically steaks.

Kara said...

jen - what?...what?

macoosh - then why don't you MARRY him? wait...that wasn't right.

fro - do you REALLY believe that I don't already KNOW about the egg macmillans given that i have been friends with sarah since 8th grade pre-algebra with mr. atwater and his vast collection of multi-colored sweatpants???? but thanks.

thinker - you're welcome. i choose not to see any sarcasm in that statement.

sam - but see...i'd rather have a steak. besides...fungus grows on feet. think about it.

AxAtlas said...

synergy = chocobacon!!!

The Future said...

Is it only obvious to me that it's not bacon that cures the hangover but plain and simple grease? Why waste your time on an expensive slab of pork gut, why not just buy one of those movie butter cans of lard and heat it up, same effect. Go for it! That certainly should motivate you to run out and get drunk again soon.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Have you ever tried deep fried locusts, Kara? They're a delicacy in Bangkok. I prefer them raw.

d said...

mushrooms are disgusting. bacon is delicious. african bbq sauce is really hot.

next week, i'll be explaining the difference between "near" and "far"

and another thing... why is it that i have to post my comment twice before it actually shows up? why? what have i done to deserve this?

Kara said...

ax - you...and your kind...need help

future - are you calling me fat?

goranas - now that's just nasty.

d - grover of sesame street already explained near and far, like years ago...didn't you see that episode?

and i don't know why...but it's important to exercise. you can insert your own meaning there.

froelica said...

No. I just thought I'd provide a nice little recipe for other heavy drinkers out there. Just because we're in on the ultra-secret family recipe, doesn't mean other people will be able to psychicly extract it from our heads... SOME people need it out on paper. Or computer screen in this case...

slaghammer said...

Regarding buttermilk, my father unit used to pour that shit over crumbled cornbread in a large goblet. I tried it once. That nasty sour mush made it almost to the back of my throat before being ejected. Buttermilk is good for only one thing, buttermilk cathead biscuits, and absolutely nothing else.

froelica said...

Buttermilk cathead biscuits... I'm afraid to ask if the cat head part is literal or not.