Friday, February 02, 2007

I Will Destroy You

I took the first of my three self defense classes last night. They're three hours one night a week for three weeks. I have finished one session and I now know how to break a man's kneecaps. Well, anyone's kneecaps...but you get the idea.

The class is supposed to make you feel empowered. I think it did for the other women. For the most part, though, it made me angry. A lot of the "situations" listed where these skills would be useful have pretty much occurred to me already in one variation or another. It just pissed me off. I looked around the room at the other 30-odd women and got angry on their behalf. It's ridiculous that we even need to take a class on how to simply exist in this world without getting victimized in some physical way. Stupid, evil men...you fuck with me, I will break your kneecaps!

You few non-evil exceptions better wear signs around your necks.


That's really all I can say about the class. I'm not supposed to talk about what I learned to any men, specifically significant others. Apparently 85% of attacks on women are by men who they know. Scary statistic...especially for us single gals who keep going out with odd and ill-suited men. So gotta keep the kneecap breakage know-how all secret-like.


Work has gotten turbulent. There are changes in the works that could affect me greatly and I'm scared of them. I should just get out...but I have nowhere to go. And being a hobo just doesn't appeal in this weather. I'm out enough in it at it is with my new bike riding fanaticism.


Did I tell you apathetic mofos that I got another bike? I know, it's an illness. Like the shoes. This bad boy is a late 80s Bianchi racing bike for shorties like yours truly. Anyone who knows about bikes should be impressed. The rest of us can just nod. It's amazingly small. When I'm riding, I can see that people in SUVs have NO idea that I'm there. But it also allows me to zip through small places and go up hills like they're NOTHIN'! Or, they will be when I figure out the whole gear dynamic. I know. I'm pathetic. Suck rope.

But this is good news all around 'cause I don't have to feel so bad about the Slow Bar cheese burger with the fried onion rings on top...or the fried chicken and baked mac 'n' cheese from the Delta Cafe...or the Voodoo doughnut with oreo on top that I ate for breakfast this morning (hey, I didn't buy it). And provided I don't get hit by a bus (almost happened this morning...apparently they need two lanes and not just one...assholes)...I should be in relatively acceptable shape in no time. A little time. Ok, at some point. Get off my back.


Happy Friday.

18 keep(s) me blogging:

Jennifer said...

I have an idea of how to break someone's kneecaps, but that could just be me and my fanciful thinkin'. Changes are scary, very scary. And if you leave I will break your kneecaps, right after you tell me how.

Ryan said...

Speaking as a Male, who knows you, I am 85% certain I am keeping my kneecaps way the fuck over here, away from you. 8 P

Anonymous said...

Where did I go wrong...

The Future

apterix55 said...

I'm guessing your self-defense class is probably too PC to tell you exactly how to effectively and efficiently immobilize any male (except an attacking eunich, of course). Not surprising; those financial planning classes never tell you the real secrets of getting rich either. I know both!

Gorilla Bananas said...

The chimpanzees always go for the nuts when they're fighting. What exactly do you do in that office of yours, apart from being cheeky? It's says marketing in your profile, but what do you market? Try and sell me something.

AxAtlas said...

Self defense classes? Reminds of that one Facts of Life episode where I learned how to hurt someone with a pen and keys...were Tae Bo classes already full?
Oh and have you learned "The Touch of Death" already? Not to be confused with The Touch of Grey.

Kara said...

Jen - if i leave, i'm takin' you with me. it'll be oh so thelma and louise.

ryan - smart man.

future - you didn't go wrong...i'm perfect.

apterix/goranas - of course the nads are supposed to be the most sensitive...but if the attacker is on drugs, they won't feel a thing. they will notice if they can no longer walk, however.

goranas - i don't actually do the marketing...it's just a marketing firm. i do more copy editing. besides...i wouldn't know the first thing about what the gorilla demographic desires.

ax - of course you watched Facts of Life. of course.

Sarah said...

Mmmm, voodoo doughnuts. Have you tried the maple bacon one? Don't.

AxAtlas said...

Okay. I deserved that for my Rochester comment. Yep. You got me. Score 1 for K.

A chuisle said...

oooh i've been thinking of making a bike investment lately. i just need to get a cushy seat because the last time i attempted bike riding, it was not good. sadly, i used to ride everywhere i went and would go on long rides just because. i wish i had stayed with it so i didn't have to break in my cooter again.

sigh...

The Future said...

i know you're perfect.

Kara said...

sarah - i have NOT tried the bacon one...and I have NOT been drunk enough to think that sounded good as of yet...but there's still time.

ax - you and i both know that i will always win

macoosh - the ass will eventually go numb and all will be well. weirdest sentence ever.

future - uh huh

Jill said...

Amen sister! It has always greatly pissed me off that simply existing puts me in danger. My favorite time to run is at dusk. Even though I live in a relatively safe area, Slag has convinced me that it's just not a smart thing to do anymore.

And it pisses me off even more that if something were to happen to me, the first reaction of 90% of the people in the world would be "You shouldn't have been there," as if by just being on a public street, drenched in sweat and attired in baggy shorts, running shoes and a sweatshirt big enough to make a tent out of, is "asking for it." Because everyone knows that's what women wear when they're trying to be alluring.

I feel like breaking some kneecaps now....

froelica said...

Sarah-
That is NASTY. Nuh-uh girlfriend. Or rather:
"Naw.... Nuh-uh... Mmm-mm.... mmmMMM!!!! Naw..."

Man that crying lady in that one movie sure is weird.

Devon said...

So I need to see a picture of this biachi racing bike of course. I hope it's that ugly green color. I am a big fan of old ugly road bikes since I bought of of my own a couple years ago.

Mine is older and probably uglier though so HA.

Kara said...

jill - and that was only the first class! you should hear what i learned how to do last night!

devon - i'll take a picture for you then.

slaghammer said...

Classes like that are exactly why men can’t go on an innocent date anymore without binding their testicles in rawhide and foam rubber for protection against jittery females. It’ like “can I open this door for you” and KABLOWEY!!, pointy toed shoes ending whatever slim chance you had to grow some pathetic little twig on the old family tree.
Btw, there are lots of evil assholes out there so I guess your collective desire to crush bone and organ is understandable.

INAMINI said...

Kara- did you learn about the magic of mace and how to poke eyes out? Those were the most rewarding ways for me to give it to them.