Sunday, April 06, 2008

On The Town

New York City hates me...or at the very least it has a vendetta. I'm going there in a month with Marie and the city is doing its very best to prevent it. First it used United Airlines to block my path with ridiculous schedules and unhelpful automated telephonic voices. But I fought my way through those obstacles and now have a plane ticket in my hot little hands (well, not little...I kind of have man hands). THEN I managed to annoy the shit out of the Daily Show people trying to get tickets for the one day they're taping while I'm there. The nameless, faceless audience department managed to insert impatiences into written text. Amazing. Quality writing down to the last detail. And NOW...we can't find a damn place to stay. It's not even Memorial Day weekend! They've even got Craigslist in on the conspiracy. All these apartments listed...but none of the proprietors answer our inquiries. I guess they just post their 800 sq ft SoHo and upper East Side brownstone vacation rentals to taunt us. Me. It's personal.

But the city will not win. I will have my long weekend of metropolitan gaiety and I will have a place to sleep when I do so. I may be stuck going to see Conan instead of Jon Stewart...but I bet the guest will be someone great like Tray Ullman or a guy who trains frogs or something...and we will be amused. We will act unimpressed at any celebrity sightings and overly interested in any popular instillation art pieces that spark conversations with hipsters dressed in excessive layers. I will not see some horrible show off Broadway with unnecessary levels of nudity simply to 'push the envelope'. I will pay $7 for a Pabst tallboy in a dive bar...and it will taste like Cristal because I'll be back in one of my favorite cities after an almost 9 year absence.

Since I believe the city might have changed a smidgen since then, I'm up for suggestions on shit I shouldn't leave town before doing.

Fuck, it's late. I have an early meeting. I blame you all if I'm too tired to be useful tomorrow.

11 keep(s) me blogging:

Gorilla Bananas said...

I hope you will give loud whoops and loose change to the street entertainers who deserve encouragement. Not the 'naked cowboy', of course, who needs a kick in the undies. You could even try doing a bit of entertaining yourself..

nic said...

WEEEE! I'm second to post instead of 34th!

Busking is a great way to get somewhere in a big city. Instead of loose change, put out a little cardboard sign that says, "we need a clean, comfortable, place to stay. If you're not a molester or a pervert, can you help us?"

My cousin lives in NYC. I haven't gone to visit her yet. After seeing Cloverfield, I'm not sure I could handle the night time there well. That and huge cities tend to intimidate me. I feel like a little kid in a massive department store with grumpy customers and snotty judgmental employees who look down their noses and honk when I'm driving too slow because I'm desperately trying not to get lost.

maybe I'm mixing my metaphors. Could be. Have fun!

Sarah said...

You don't have man hands.

Sorry, the closest I can offer for a place to stay is Hillsboro. Does that work? It's just a little west of where you are right now. Let me know if I need to pull out the inflat-o bed.

I don't actually have an inflat-o bed.

AxAtlas said...

Hope you're not training yourself not to care

Robert the Skeptic said...

You could go to the famous pub on E 57th St. that shares you last name. Maybe they will give you a free drink for being one of the "lost" relatives!

Rachel said...

if you can afford a pricey meal, totally go to MY favorite restaurant: Bobby Flay's Mesa Grill. the menu is online at www.mesagrill.com.

and if you want good wine, go to the Monday room. www.mondayroom.com

Make reservations.

Rachel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sam, Problemchildbride said...

You need to go to the right spots though in NYC to see hipsters. One block wrong in any direction and it's just you and the waisters.

Jackie said...

If you ever get there, check out the bar 2x4 (2nd ave and 4th st) - it's the diviest of the dive bars and as of the last time I was there, they sell CANS of Pabst for like $2. Sweet.

Nearby is a literal hole in the wall called "frites" where you can buy french fries really late at night.

Stinkypaw said...

It's been almost 10 years since my last visit, so your finds will be just as good as any suggestion I might of had.

Hey, you survived Hungary you'll manage NY I'm sure!

froelica said...

Never, ever, ever give up.

I just fought a ferocious fight with the lovely city of Houston and won. Fucking Texas....