Monday, April 28, 2008

Wipe That Shit OFF Your Face

Today, boys and girls, we’re going to talk about a little something people like to call “the ironic mustache”.

But first.

The internets are back in my home. They were put there today by a messenger from god. I don’t know who’s god. You can take your pick…there’s a lot of them out there. But this messenger took the form of a Comcast Cable Installer. I have no idea if he glowed with divine light, because I wasn’t there to greet him. I took my sick ass to work. Yes, I have a cold. And it makes me angry.

Not having been in any city but my own lately, I don’t know if this trend is taking over other metropoli ™, but here les yeux have been getting assaulted on a daily basis by the newest hipster craze, the ironic mustache. Young, otherwise good looking, men have decided to sport a seedy banner of skeez on their upper lips and the epidemic is becoming positively RAMPANT! You know it’s serious if I use all caps and an exclamation point.

I don’t get it. Mustaches belong to fathers back in the 80s. And hippies in the 70s. And maybe on the occasional Civil War soldier. Other than that…they are a trend that NEVER needed to return…and certainly not to men in their 20s or 30s. I get the other shit, you know? I get the black glasses. I get the tousled hair. I get the tight jeans that are ever so slightly saggy in the ass region. I get it all. I don’t agree with it all, but I get it. I do NOT get the sudden urge to reinvent the porn ‘stache. Put that shit away! It’s bad enough that I saw some asshole walking down the street in acid washed jeans the other day like they were hot shit. It’s getting out of control.

Someone needs to be brought it to control it.

Suggestions are welcome.

And none of this "oh, Kara...it's not so bad as, say, leg warmers". Yes it is, people! This is my dating pool that’s being fucked with here. It’s a fucking red alert situation! I will never date a porn ‘stache supportee.

My other big issue is the term “ironic mustache”. To hipsters…and really anyone of this generation…the term “ironic” is worn as an accessory far too often. It’s like the mass produced individuality of a Hot Topic-type place, it loses its point when it becomes popular. The face velcro may have started out in an “I’m anti this ‘looks are everything’ world so I’m going to fug myself up with a poorly groomed mustache”…but when 5 other dudes in the coffeeshop sport one too…then it turns into “I’m pro looking ugly…because ugly is hot right now”. And BOOM, you’re Paris Hilton. It’s a slippery slope, you don’t even realize.

Look at this shit. I went to the site of a local venue and found several bands that illustrate this point BEAUTIFULLY...this is how prevalent the problem is:

I almost wish them harm. Really. I'm not going to any of those shows in protest of their stupid 'staches. Well, I actually really like A Hawk and a Handsaw...so maybe I'll go to that one and just not look at the dude.

But I'm not the only one taking issue with how people decide to adorn their faces. Check this little
nugget of gold from Andrew. Someone I should've linked long ago, but haven't because I'm lazy.

I'm going to go be grumpy in the sunshine.

23 keep(s) me blogging:

AxAtlas said...

That's sooo messed up. When I was reading this (waiting for a report to come up), I was listening to 'Ihabibi' by Hawk and a Hacksaw. I shit you not...wait...they're gonna be at doug fir? The violinist is hot.
Funny, I was gonna blog about how sick I am of seeing beards and how some women only go for guys with beards and how guys wear beards to attract the ladies.
I guess irony is an awesome way to sell something to your dating pool.

Sarah said...

Thank you! I've finally convinced Josh not to sport the caveman facial hair. He just has a little goatee now. I like it, but the 'stache made him look like a rapist. No good.

The Future said...

Personally, I have an equal loathing for the little spit of hair immediately under the bottom lip. I'm sure it has "a name" but I won't give it enough respect to even look it up. Gross is understating how I feel about this hair wart that can turn into a tiny hair lip mullet. I think they are equally as distasteful as any upper lip adornment.

Devon said...

i ironically have no mustache. i'm hoping the craze catches.

and only assholes (also known as cops) seriously think mustaches look good. hipsters only do it because they're bored, or their shitty, droney sounding, pavement ripoff band has not caught on like they'd hoped, or they're a closeted homosexual. usually all three.

i loathe hipsters so this is but a drop in the vast lake, nay, ocean of hatred i have for them. 'tis a pure white hot rage that burns within me like the fire of a thousand suns.

tis true.

Gorilla Bananas said...

"If you're gonna grow hair, grow it all over your body" is what my people say. BUT...you're forgetting a lot of women had the hots for Robert Redford as the Sundance Kid and Burt Reynolds too. You women only have yourself to blame.

Orhan Kahn said...

Never have, never will; my top lip remains a virgin of overgrowth.

Robert the Skeptic said...

Oh great... it took me YEARS to get on board with wearing a goatee. Thanks... thanks a LOT!

Kara said...

ax - they're playing at the Doug Fir

sarah - goatees are an acceptable medium i suppose. i don't know. sometimes i just want to shave everybody.

speaking of nothing up above - you ever hear from james about the show? cuz we need to plan game night!

future - it's called soul patch. sometimes they get out of control and grow into a full garden.

devina - word. still waiting for my evite.

goranas - exactly. IN THE 70S. and robert redford can pretty much get away with anything. well, not now. he hasn't aged well.

or - bless you, m'boy.

dad - goatees are different than the 'staches. so are beards. i'm telling you, they are their own classes. and it's a low low low one.

Mary Witzl said...

All of those mustaches you have displayed are Ewwww-inducing, and I agree with you, if they're what you're talking about.

I have two confessions, however:

1) My husband has a mustache -- but it looks great on him, honest!

and

2) I wear leg warmers. Not as a fashion statement, but to actually keep my legs warm. It's damn cold here, and I don't have enough fat on my legs. Plenty of it other places, but not on my legs, hence the leg warmers. You should see the pitying looks salesgirls give me when I ask for them, though. Almost makes up for having to wear them.

One of my students used to really object to partially bald men with comb-overs. It used to be her dream to go around shaving them off.

thethinker said...

My dad has a mustache, but he looks weird without one so I have no problem with that. My brother, however, thinks that he needs to grow a mustache. It better be shaved by the time he gets back from college.

And oh boy, I HATE leg warmers. Why do people wear them when it's already warm outside? I live in TEXAS! People should not wear leg warmers in Texas.

Jackie said...

That's unfortunate. I haven't really noticed that trend here in the Boston area, but we don't have as many hipsters as some other cities. We have them yes, but I don't see them much. They probably only come out at night, while I'm sleeping.

That's a creepy thought.

Anyway, I will just be glad that I haven't had to see this, and I will remain happy that my husband can't grow enough facial hair to have a mustache.

Rachel said...

I personally like mustaches. My father has one all my life--I grew up with his smiling face adorned with a well-trimmed abuburn 'stach. But its not for all men, and definitely NOT for the young, single 20-somethings!!! That shit is for the matured married dudes with kids.

Bottomline: if a dude is wearing a 'stache, and he's young, single, or unemployed, it just makes him look like a skeevy rapist.

EmmaK said...

Luckily the trend for 'taches hasn't hit Baltimore yet. You are right, what is it about moustaches that make them such a turn off? Goatees are quite sexy sometimes though.

Stinkypaw said...

You won't be the only grump in the sun... I'll be there too. I'm not crazy about any facial hair, but I must say that sometimes it does suit its man...

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

The only man that can pull off a mustache is Daniel Day Lewis. And his is only the pull-off sort.

Don't get me wrong - men have a perfect right to whatever hairy facial arrangement they like, but I maintain the right to hate it the little beads of milky coffee that settle on it like filthy morning dew.

When I met my husband he was bald of face but he didn't reveal to me his mustachioed past. I had to find out for myself looking through old photos. I felt as if I'd been stabbed in the heart...

*trails off, weeping*

Kara said...

mary - 1. i'd have to see to believe. 2. i have one word for you. pants.

thinker - dads of teenagers with 'staches are acceptable...provided they're not in their twenties. if that's even possible.

jackie - bless his baby face. drink a toast to it each day. just watch out. one day you'll wake up and he'll be trying to sport the soul patch. it's what guys who can't grow beards do to fit in with the bearded.

rachel - thank you! now how am i supposed to entertain the idea of dating that?!

emmak - they can be...it really all depends on the man.

stinkypaw - no, what suits a man is a suit. a nifty one with suspenders and a red tie. yum. look at me judging. glorious.

sam - true...but even on him it's seedy. i mean, you put his character in There Will Be Blood next to his character in Last of the Mohicans...which one you wanna make out with? exactly.

Rachel said...

kara; I'm at a loss. Lets drink booze instead. SKOAL!

Jahooni said...

aren't they flavor savors? ;)~

Aku said...

I can totally feel your pain! Moustache, even goatees are a definite no no! I'm genuinely worried over your decreasing and deteriorating dating pool. Let's just hope this horrible, horrible trend will pass quickly!!

Mary Witzl said...

Um, I do wear pants (trousers, actually -- here in the U.K., 'pants' mean 'underpants'). But mere trousers AREN'T ENOUGH! Does it help that you can't actually SEE the leg warmers? I would never do anything so gauche as to wear them in such a way that they might be visible...

Way back when leg warmers first came out -- shortly after the movie version of 'Fame,' it cracked me up to see women in leg warmers in L.A. on the hottest days. Silly twits. In Scotland, though, leg warmers are my friends.

Susie Q said...

Okay, Jim has a 'stashe right now. A really big bushy one too!He sports one every 5 years or so. I'm not a huge fan, but he's so stinkin' cute, he can get away with it.
He's also a Barbershopper, (as in Quartet singing) and sings with a seriously funny chorus, the Tualatin Valley Harmony Masters. They should all be put away under lock and key, but I'm a fan. A Barbershopper NEEDS a good 'stashe. What can I say?

Cathy said...

I loathe a moustache. I am right behind you with this one.

My boyfriend has been threatening to grow a 'tache for ages. I tried forbidding it, threatening to leave if he dared, but that just made him want it more. So, I let him do it. He lasted about 30 minutes, and then went to shave it off. I guess he realised just how much of a pervert it made him look.

Kara said...

jahooni - sick!

aku - me too. a girl can only be single for so long, you know?

mary - well if you can't actually see them...you can stay.

sue - it's ok...he was a father in the 80s. it fits the appropriate time frame.

cathy - well you can tell him that THAT'S why the call it a "banner of skeez". or at least i do.