Tuesday, April 08, 2008

When Hotness Expires

Rachel did a post about how she’s not affected by the death of Hollywood Icon and shakey NRA spokesperson Charlton Heston. I commented on several of the reasons why my life will never be the same without him. I then realized there were more reasons than I was willing to put down in the comment section of someone else’s blog, so I’m going to put them here. Read her post though. I get what she’s saying…it’s just…he was Judah Ben Hur for chrissake!

From Rachel:

Charleton Heston has passed. His hands are cold and dead.

And I don't care.

My comment:

yeah but now we can finally pry that rifle away! huzzah!

i have to say...you gotta respect the guy on some level for spending so much time on screen shirtless when Bowflex hadn't even been invented yet...

AND, if it weren't for him, i wouldn't have a Dr. Zaius doll to top my Christmas tree...

nor would i work so hard at finding occasions to say "unhand me you damn dirty ape!"

But here are his Other Contributions to Society:

He was the proof that Moses had a beard

He was the first man named Charlton to play a Mexican

He opened up the silver screen to dirty words like “damn” and “hell” to be used in less than biblical ways…a glorious day for us all

He made chariot racing hotter than it already was

Two words – soylent green. It’s the only reason we’re not still cannibals today, people

He brought sexy back...to the NRA

Ok, I could only come up with six…but that’s more than could be said for my own life were it to end today. My list would be, like, 3. And most of them would only matter to my mom. I love you, mom. Oh, and my cat. I love you, Tallulah…but not when you scratch on the furniture. Then I want to throw something at you. And not when you wake me up at 4:00 am because you want to play with a plastic bag. Then I want to kill you.

Anyway. We’ve lost an icon. And I’m sad. But then…I think we lost him a long time ago…around 1975 when he stopped being useful in cinema.

Ok, I have things to do. I can’t let the sadness impede my productivity.

Stop laughing.

14 keep(s) me blogging:

Jen said...

Well I hate to do this, but for posterity's sake I am.

"Take your stinking paws off me -- you damn dirty ape!!!"

Unhand me sounds so sissified. And Charleton weren't no sissy.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I believe he said "Get your paws off me..", but it doesn't matter. They weren't real apes, so I was on Charlton's side. Did you ever want to sit on his big broad shoulders and let him take you for a ride? I think you would have suited each other.

Rachel said...

First of all, thanks for the traffic and the plug. :)

You have a point. Mr. Heston contributed much to the history of cinema.

Unfortunately, I still feel a distinct lack of caring. Maybe I should drink some wine.

Robert the Skeptic said...

Charlton, John Wayne and in particular, Ronald Regan - like many of these guys who played "larger than Life" characters often forgot, long after they walked off the movie set, that they were just acting.

It's sad, because many of these "tough guys" were no more tough than Michael Jackson is "dangerous".

But image is everything in America.

How many Charltons does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know either, but first you have to pry it from his cold, dead hands.

Anonymous said...

Your smile is a major contribution to society. To name one.

The Future said...

Actually, a little piece of Charlton lore. His favorite role was in "Will Penny", a low key Western, minus the biblical robes, threatening wooden staffs and muscles out the whazoo. It's tough to see anyone go down the Alzheimer's road, no matter how much you don't care about them.

Kara said...

jen - semantics

goranas - nah, he doesn't actually do anything for me. i just appreciate a good chariot-containing epic.

rachel - yes. i believe wine's just the thing.

dad - ok...that light bulb bit was gold. write that down.

oh wait.

anonymous - hi kansas.

future - why do you know these things? why?

Orhan Kahn said...

Love the dedication.

AxAtlas said...

I always thought he was a badass actor who enjoys men. I mean the guy portrayed burly strong heroic dudes and most likely dreamt of playing with many big guns at night. Oh and "Will Penny"! It's in the name!

LiteralDan said...

Great, now I'm just going to have the songs from The Simpsons' Planet of the Apes musical stuck in my head all day.

Anonymous said...

You don't know.....besides...if anyone is going to expose me to your readers..it will be ME exposing myself....oh..wait.. Not what I meant.

Susie Q said...

"Soylent Green" was pure genius! I had NO CLUE, none I tell you, until ol' Chuck started screaming, "It's People!". Really, I will never be the same and will ALWAYS be suspicious of formed foods.
Oh and Charles can say "Hey" to the real Moses now...

Mary Witzl said...

Wow -- all these memories. I had totally forgotten so much of this. Age, you know.

Way back when, Charlton Heston appeared on Saturday Night Life and told everybody off for being a lot of poncy, snobby liberals. I thought his NRA platform was nonsense, but his performance that night was still pretty awesome.

froelica said...

You and I think alike.

My first thought when I heard he'd died was "Hah! Take his gun away!!!"

I'm less than devastated that he's gone. But that picture of him as a Mexican is funny. EVERYONE has a double chin in that position.