Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Why Do You Want To Live With Me?

Well I was going to write about what a pain in the ass the roommate search has been…but in light of the tragedy in Myanmar formerly known as Burma, it seems trite. 20,000 people lose their lives in a horrible natural disaster (though there’s nothing natural about the way people live in Third World countries)…and I was gonna be all up in arms about the 20-odd freaks trying to convince me to live with them.

Ok, well, I’m still probably going to talk about it. I can only be appropriate for so long before my heart goes numb.

Let me just start out with this: people on Craigslist are crazy. It’s a wonder I’ve ever found a place to live or a roommate who would have me with all the nut cases they go through. And you can imagine how well I do in interviews.

Anyway, I found a roommate, and hopefully he’s cool and doesn’t save his toenails in a box for decades at a time like some people. You know who you are. Sick.

But back to the freaks…one of the dudes I said “thanks but no thanks” to - because he a. didn’t have a job and b. had an Anthrax beard - actually called me up on Saturday night and ASKED ME OUT. Is it me or is that an inappropriate use of my phone number? No, it's not just me. It IS inappropriate. It’s not like he rolled up to me in a bar and said “I’d like to go out with you some time. Can I have your number?” and I went, “Sure, you seem like a fine, upstanding young fellow with an Anthrax beard. I’ll give you my number so that you may call me up and ask me out properly.” That didn’t happen. I gave him my number so that he could look at a room for rent. So he is abusing the phone number. Gross misuse!

And before any of you ill informed people ask…this is an Anthrax beard:

That’s all I have time for. I have a job, you know.

20 keep(s) me blogging:

Rachel said...

OMG PUKE

I hate the anthrax beard with a passion that burns hotter than the fire of a thousand suns.

I never knew it had a name. Thanks for the info. Now excuse me while I puke.

Good luck--*heave*--looking for a roommate--*upchucks*.

Robert the Skeptic said...

Anthrax Beard? Looks more like a "King Tut" to me.

Whatever happened to advertising for a "female" roommate? Haven't you ever seen "When Harry Met Sally"? Guys can never NEVER be friends (or roommates) with a woman because you-know-what gets in the way.

But yes... the beard says it all... no need for references.

Gorilla Bananas said...

He sounds devious, but if he'd gotten fresh you could have given his beard a yank. Should you be sharing your bedroom with a stranger anyway? I think you ought to ask an old friend from your summer camp days.

theWaif said...

Anthrax beards SUCK. Sorry, lame comment I know, but that's the best I've got. Too tired. And I can't think of anything but the lyrics to Brak's song about beans right now. I have GOT to get some new music for Becks.

Nobody comes to visit me...in my liiii-ttle cloooooooud...(I dunno why. Maybe it's cause I'm cuttin' muffins.)

Ack! Make it stop...

Kara said...

rachel - i don't think that's the official name. it's just what i always think of when i see one. and i don't even LIKE Anthrax. butt rock.

dad - ok, so Anthrax is my generation and King Tut is yours. oh SNAP! i kid dad...you're as young as a spring blossom. which makes me just a seedling! and i like living with boys. they're less drama. and he's (the one i decided on) good sauce. he reminds me of jesse.

goranas - i never went to summer camp. deprived. and i'm not sharing my room...i have two rooms. but i will have to share everything else so it's good i was raised in daycare.

waif - are the carpenters out of your head yet?

Orhan Kahn said...

But back to the freaks…

I'm sorry, but after mentioning a decade-hold of nail clippings you can't go back to the normals. You have soiled the hustle and flow. Nasty!

AxAtlas said...

Congrats on the roomie.
I vote to holla at the Scott Ian-Look-a-Like Contest Winner. First, he has a beard. Second, you obviously dig the guy b/c you would say yes if he did approach ya at the bar. Third, he seems like good rebound material. Holla at him.

Aku said...

I see. It's beard growing from the wrong end of your head and should be called Xanthtna.

Gross misuse. Definitely.

EmmaK said...

had an Anthrax beard - actually called me up on Saturday night and ASKED ME OUT.

Why innapropriate? I would have been flattered. I mean why not just say I'll go out with you if you shave off your beard?

Also I was intrigued by your profile. I think I am a pretty good judge of books and I could not stand A confederacy of dunces. It was so rambling and dull. Well, you can beat me over the head with it if you will!

Kara said...

or - i know huh. i was corrected that they were fingernail clippings and that they didn't smell. like that makes it better.

ax - first: no. second: it was a hypothetical situation. third: i have a plethora of material should i choose to use it. fourth: stop saying 'holla'.
can't do lunch this week. it's the week from hell. too many people out.

aku - yes. i think.

emmak - well, of course i would've been flattered if he was hot. that's how we girls work. but at the same time, it's a little, like, 'woah', you know?
shame about the book! two of the greatest literary characters i've ever encountered. and there's a pants factory. a pants factory! maybe try again? i dunno. i don't know how to force people to like things i want them to like. which is why i'm not in fashion.

AxAtlas said...

Suuurree you're too busy at work to have a friendly lunch. Right. I understand. You probably have your dance card out for lunch with your rebounds. Don't blame ya. It's cool.

Brendan said...

Don't be ridiculous. Like any courteous roommate, I boil down and ferment my toenail clippings to make bathtub schnapps.

Ian said...

If you destroy his fingernail clippings, he loses all of his power... do it! Do it!

nic said...

Layne Staley had a beard kinda like that. But I think he was hotter when it was shorter. Never went for the overgrown chinstache. And that guy with the anthrax beard... TOOL. As toolish as the guy with the popped collar rockin out to old Prince.

Kara said...

ax - i AM! maybe next week before i go to New York.

brendan - and i suppose i'll have to be the taste tester since you don't indulge. selfish!

ian - according to ty, they've already been destroyed. do you think he's lying?

nic - how i miss Alice in Chains. sigh. but yes, his had less of a goat feel.

i still rock out to old prince. but only when i'm getting ready to go clubbing and never with a popped collar.

Sam, Problemchildbride said...

It wasn't just gross misuse of your telephone number. With a beard like that it was also plain gross use. I wonder if it brushed up agains the phone as he spoke to you. Bleeeeeuuuuuurgggghhhh!!!!!!!

Orhan Kahn said...

That does NOT make it better! Wtf.

Mary Witzl said...

That IS a misuse of your phone number and incorrect roommate-hunting protocol. Shame on him.

There was a t.v. show in Japan once about people who'd gotten divorced from weird mates. One woman claimed that her ex saved the dirt he scraped off himself and collected it in a ball which he jealously guarded in the bathroom. She threw it out once and he went ballistic over it. I watched this in horror, wondering how I had escaped ending up with a mate like this, but very glad I did. Toenail clippings seem almost normal after that.

Ian said...

Ty's totally lying.

Effortlessly Average said...

Oh come on; I'm crying bullchit here. If Mr. Anthrax Beard actually looked like [insert name of favorite artificial male physique here], you'd have had no problem with him calling you, right? Maybe he's just a lonely guy who's looking for someone to comb the muffin crumbs from his facial hair. Give the guy a little credit for swinging for the fences already. lol