Sunday, July 27, 2008

The Healing Properties of a Good Veg.

In examining a recently-purchased package of Dove soap (or "beauty bar" as they market it), I've come to realize my tattoo resembles the logo. And now I feel a little sick.

Tell me the truth...do you see it?


oh god.






Well it looks like I'm going to have to come to terms with being a walking product endorsement. If this beauty bar does all the name implies, perhaps it won't have to become an "ironic" endorsement.

Today is the first day I've spent at home in a while. By "at home" I mean I went to brunch earlier, but have decided not to go anywhere else. Except to the store to get taquitos. I have an unnatural love for the damn things. Anyway, this decision stems from all of the below:

1. I somehow managed to end up at the Portland Brewers' Fest TWICE this weekend, first Friday night and then Saturday afternoon. I don't know if any of you have ever been to such an event, but let me tell you...they are filled with visors and polo shirts. Woohooing for no reason. Sausages. Cargo shorts. Girls named 'Jenna'. Long-ass lines. But you deal with it for the incredible beer. Yes, I said incredible. This from the girl who scours the city for bars that sell Rolling Rock, I know. Still...beer buzzes only extend the ability to tolerate such surroundings for a short time before feeling the urge to hide in the corner of the public library clutching a Victor Hugo novel and rocking back and forth.

2. I've gone to brunch twice this weekend. Both times I ate 90% of what was on my plate. Both meals included potatoes and cream of some sort. Such gluttony can only be curbed by staying somewhere where the cupboards have nothing in them but Pop-tarts and a couple family-sized cans of Spaghettios.

3. Last night I got dragged to a dance club where there were an unlikely number of Asian people dippin' it low to raunchy hip hop in cowboy hats. I do not exaggerate. It was some sort of tequila promotion party and they were handing out the cowboy hats at the door. Rather than smiling, nodding, accepting and tossing aside, most opted for donning. It was an unfortunate decision. I couldn't stay long. The place smelled like unclean.

4. I had 5 piles of laundry in my bedroom. Some of the piles were clean. Some of the piles were dirty. All of them were unsightly.

5. I count 7 pairs of shoes, 2 belts and 3 cardigans strewn about this shared living space. They're all mine. Perhaps I should clean up a little.

And there you have it. Do with it what you will.

In the meantime, let me just say...Ticketmaster is a bunch of bitches. I know everyone and their grandmother has gone on this rant before, but they've hit a new low with me. No, I'm not even talking about the $2.50 they charge you to print out your tickets on your home printer. Dickwads. I'm looking up tickets to Beck for the Waif and Ty's birthdays. And this makes me see red:
Section/Row/Seats/Description
GEN ADM
GA9 171 - 174
PRICE LEVEL 1
SEATING ON LAWN AREA - NO CHAIRS

Type: 4 ADULT FULL PRICE TICKET
Ticket Price: US $38.00 x 4
Convenience Charge: US $8.30 x 4
Building Facility Charge: US $4.00 x 4

$16 extra fucking dollars for a Building Facility Charge when the seating is on a LAWN. What!? The!? Fuck?! I hate these people. And this is before I actually purchase the tickets and pay the randomly additional $3/ticket service charge (yeah, learned about that one from buying tickets for Sub-Pop) and then, yes, the above stated $2.50 to print the tickets out on your own printer using your own paper and your own ink. These people are the Enron of the entertainment world. I hope they all die of the clap.

18 keep(s) me blogging:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Never mind the $4 building charge, isn't $8.30 a little steep for the convenience? I don't know what kind of de luxe facilities they have, but I suggest you bring your own chamber pot instead of paying $8.30 to take a piss. Doesn't Becks wear nappies in any case?

Stinkypaw said...

Those charges are totally ridiculous! And the worst thing is, we also get stupid charges (but not that bad, truly) and neither you nor me really complain to them about it. We are so spineless when it comes to fighting the big dudes, arent't we?!

And btw, I use Dove, so now I'll think of you at least once a day! ;-)

Sarah said...

No. Your tat doesn't look like the dove. Besides, it's a swallow. Geez. But on that note, I'm getting my tattoo on Aug 21st. :)
Ticketmaster can suck it. I bought some tickets last year and the service charges were almost as much as the ticket itself. Bitches.
It's helpful that I never actually go to any events that require tickets these days. Much cheaper.

problemchildbride said...

But before they all die I hope one of them sleeps with someone promiscuous at the INS and then they all die of the clap too.

Ticketmaster have brass neck and balls to ask for $8.50 for convenience charges. Let the clap infestation begin!

AxAtlas said...

And what's keeping you from sending the folks at Unilever (owners of the Dove brand) a video of you and your tat? You could be their next spokeswoman, their mascot...and make some mad cash. You've sold out before. You know the song n' dance already.
Ticketmaster is stupid for calling it 'Building Facility Charge'. They should've called it something like 'Environmental Charge' or 'Green Charge'. That would've made them look less greedy and more greeny and cooler.

Rachel said...

I have never had reason to deal with TicketMaster, and I shall be thankful to never have to do so. Outrageous!

and cleaning up sounds good.

and your tats look better than the damn logo, if you ask me.

Robert the Skeptic said...

Hey, don't worry about the tattoo... by the time you reach age 60, Unilever will probably have changed that logo eight times at least.

Everyone knows that Ticketmaster is owned by Satan. But their corporate model is based on the same philosophy that I have, Americans are Stupid and will do/pay/give anything to satisify their need for instant gratification. I think I am the only person on earth who has given up going to movie theaters because I don't want to pay them to watch advertising on a big screen.

Why don't you bill Unilever for free advertising? Work the system!

C said...

You know, I didn't find your last post offensive at all, but I think the fact that you buy Spaghettios is utterly wrong.

Kara said...

goranas - eh, it's been $11 before. i'm over that rage.

stinkypaw - oh i complain...but they're the ONLY assholes who sell tickets to things i want to go to. they need competition.

sarah - awesome! do you know what you want yet or is this just a consultation?

sam - want them to all die from the clap as VIRGINS.

ax - it should be called a "water's not free" charge.

rachel - never? do you live in the U.S.?!

dad - that may be, but Satan was the only one who had the mythbusters' tickets.

c - if you'd just open yourself up to them, i think you'd like them. the way you obviously do mormon swimming suits.

Rachel said...

kara, lol, I do live in the US, but what would I buy tickets for? I'm totally boring.

Orhan Kahn said...

Okay, I'm not even 10secs into the post and I got me a whole lot to say.

First of all, no, the Dove soap dove and your tattoos look like the Golden Arches look to this here 'M'. Tatt's look great.

Secondly, I mistook the title of your post as, The Healing Properties of a Good VAG. Please tell me I was supposed to read this by accident for some kind of inside joke? No pun intended.

Anyways, back to the post. I may return with more ramble. Await instruction.

Orhan Kahn said...

Die of the clap?

Interesting.

Wow, sometimes you just worry me.

AxAtlas said...

I didn't make it to Brewer's Fest because I hate lines and I got stuck at the bars with people. Come to think of it, right before things got even fuzzy wuzzier, I recall a lot of woohooing at berbati's. I think I might have even intentionally knocked off someone's visor right before I left...not in a meathead kind of way.
By the way, that's an awesome bday gift to waif & ty. Nice!

Wow, that was awkward said...

Nice all around. So much to comment on, so little time! Did you have any New Belgium Brewery Beers? Fat Tire, Skinny Dip perhaps?

LMAO at the facility charge for your lawn seats. You are fuuuuunnnny!!

The Future said...

I hate it when someone beats me to my own idea which was to rent a trailer and drive up your own Honey Bucket, then charge the rest of the concert goers a usage fee and more than make back the Ticketmaster dunning. See, I can be creative.

Kara said...

rachel - touche

or - you sound drunk.

ax - you sound drunk too.

wow - i couldn't even tell you all i tried. it makes me dizzy just thinking about it. and just for the record...I'M not the joker...oh no...TICKETMASTER is the joker. and i'm gonna punch that joker in the face.

future - i see an interesting retirement in your future.

Orhan Kahn said...

Funny you should mention that. I wasn't drunk, drunk but I certainly wasn't all there. I can see why you wou.. SHUT UP! THATS WHY!

Too many questions!

Blargh!

Mary Witzl said...

I read this and feel a little comforted: we're tightwads who almost never shell out for any sort of concert, preferring to stay home and hear about them from friends afterwards.

And as for your tattoo resembling the Dove logo, you could have done a LOT worse. Even my kids like those Dove commercials.