Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I'm Going To Get So Much Hate Mail

Shut up, Waif...you don't tell me.

K, sibling spat resolved.

Given that it's the middle of summer and I have a Slip 'n' Slide party coming up, it's time to talk about bathing suits.

All the women reading this just involuntarily shuddered.

Having never ever ever never been skinny, the topic of bathing suits is a sensitive one. I've owned a small number of two-pieces in my lifetime and they were only ever worn around people who I knew wouldn't judge (the way I like to judge everyone else...you know). My most recent one had little silver skulls that clinked. So cute!

Ok, I just slapped myself. Well...mentally.

My more recent swimsuits have been one pieces. With the vintage stylistic comeback in full force, it's much easier to find things to flatter my unfortunate body type while getting to rock some styles I love. I have two in my summer rotation. A brightly colored early 1960s romper type thing and a 1920s/30s rouched number with a skirt. Yes, I just said "romper" AND "rouched". Suck it. Both swimsuits allow me to eat a pizza and run around rocky enclaves in perfect, and stylish, comfort. They are also what one might call "modest". Yes. Modest.

I was trying to explain the styles to someone and made the mistake of googling "modest swimwear". Except it didn't turn out to be a mistake because I found this site:


If you know what's god (typo, and it's stayin') for you, you'll go to this site and read/see the testimonials. I've never seen such homely people in all my life. But, you know, I just like to know that they're out there...takin' it easy for all mankind (sorry...some Lebowski slipped in there).

Now, I know you'll think me overly harsh when you see that the homely people I'm referring to are mostly children. Yes, this is mean.

But... look. Genetics are already giving these kids a swift kick in the tukus. Do they really need to exacerbate things with such a lycra ensemble? Actually...I don't think it's lycra. What are swimsuits made out of anyway? Doesn't matter. These are the lookers of the group.

Obviously there's an audience for the modest swimsuit. An audience that sounds like this:
"Dear [lazy attempt at preserving anonymity],
First of all I want to thankyou so much for what you have done. Thankyou for listening to the Lord. My three daughters and I just wore your swimsuits and had so much fun. I was able to swim with them and teach them how to swim without feeling torn between dressing modestly and spending time with my family in the water."

1. This woman thinks that "thank you" is one word. That wasn't just a typo, she did it twice.
2. To her, learning to swim is only allowed if one is modestly dressed. If modest attire doesn't present itself in the form of a hideous swimsuit...then the little brats can just drown. At least they'll reach the baby Jesus knowing it was for the right reasons.
3. She thinks the Lord is trying to talk to people regarding their swim wear. Like he doesn't have enough to do.

I imagine the author of the above testimonial looks something like this woman. That hair says "sister wife" to me. You be the judge.

Speaking of "judge" + "ment", look at these two. That's all. Just look.

You know you're all thinking it.

18 keep(s) me blogging:

Gorilla Bananas said...

One of the women in that site was definitely cute and several might have good behinds (i.e. big enough to make them float like corks however much their swimsuits weigh them down). I think you should go for a really tight one-piece suit - think Pamela Anderson in Baywatch.

Posmena Sales said...

full coverage swimwear can be bought online from modestswimsuits.co.uk

check them out, very cute, and comfortable! :D

Orhan Kahn said...

2 things:

My most recent one had little silver skulls that clinked. Wait, what??

And why do I feel so dirty after visiting Modest Swimwear. Not good-dirty, bad-mormon-dirty.

And I doubt you'd look bad in a bathing suit, you look interesting. Like a pineapple or a tree (or a part-time model).

I should stop.

Orhan Kahn said...

3 things*


Cathy said...

There's no way the Lord's letting anyone into heaven dressed like THAT. Surely.

Robert the Skeptic said...

How chic and practical. Do you know, does the site also sell waterproof covers so you can take your Bible with you while you swim??

Amber said...

I think everyone is missing the point here.


Will there be photos?

Stinkypaw said...

Ok there's being modest and just plain ugly - that is really sad!

Even for a Slip 'n Slide with one of those things on, you wouldn't slide at ALL! Yikes, and so many of them match...

Kara said...

goranas - i don't trust your taste one iota. we're not even the same species, you and i...you know, when it comes to taste.

posmena - boo with your sales pitch comment.

or - if you can't count, i have no time for you. but you get extra bonus points for your love of the conchords. and i'll never ever never be able to be a part-time model.

cathy - oh you know this, do you. yes, i bet you do, because you totally know things about things that i don't know.

dad - those come standard.

amber - i just don't know, amber. i won't be in charge. i'll be sliding, though. haven't decided in which suit.

stinkypaw - ha! ha! you said 'ugly'. you're gonna get hate mail now too.

AxAtlas said...

Appears to be the rejected clothing line from FLDS Dress.

Mary Witzl said...

When we lived in Japan, we knew a woman from Syria who even in the hottest months dressed from head to toe in a burqua. I've never felt so sorry for anyone in my life; she'd sit watching her menfolk swim, their hairy bodies exposed for the world to see. I'm just mentioning that as an even worst contrast to what these poor girls and women have to put up with. Whatever they look like, at least they're smiling!

I like the idea of those skull things on your suit! I used to have a lime green bikini with hoops over the hips. Thought I was all kinds of cute in it, too. Sigh.

Kara said...

ax - well now, where the fuck have YOU been?

mary - they're smiling because off camera, someone is holding a lollipop saying "if you do this, you'll get a treat". i'm well aware with how the world works. bikinis work for slender ladies like yourself. i like to call your type the "willowy whore". you're welcome.

Sarah said...

Oh God. All of those photos were taken on a compound. I'm sure of it. Check out the last one again. The picture in the background is of someone praying I think. It's probably John Smith the prophet himself.
I don't even understand why people like this need swimwear at all. Just rock the giant tshirt and cutoff jean shorts like we used to growing up. They'd have more money for things like bonnets and buckle shoes.

AxAtlas said...

I've had things to see and...
Geezus kah-reist! I just saw your subpop pix...I hate you (there's your hate mail). I wanted to dearly see the Beachwood Sparks reunion. dearly i yell at ya! dearly!
"be seeing you"

problemchildbride said...

I've been at funerals where people wore less than these people.

But look at them there, exposing their luscious ankles for all and sundry to see, the trollopes.

Kara said...

sarah - you know, that's what i was wondering. why wouldn't they just wear their clothes so they could swim anyway? duh.

ax - that's right, sucka.

sam - you'd be surprised by how many men get turned on my ankles. or maybe you wouldn't...i don't really know you that well.

The Future said...

Well, I'm still trying to figure out what I missed? Only someone living in the century before last would have created new versions of these suits. Pitiful.

do you think you have it? said...

is it bad that I just laughed out loud?