Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Reason # 812 Why I Should Never Be A Parent

It's a rare and beautiful thing for 4th of July to fall on a Friday. One is almost duty-bound to leave town on such an occasion...even if weather.com states that the coast will be anything but sunny and warm. Some of us aren't very good listeners.

I had fun, though. 8 of us stuffed into a home built for 4 (tops). There was much carousing and yelling of obscenities. Also a concerning amount of hip hop was played. You'll all be pleased to know I still remember every lyric to I Like Big Butts. And "they" said I couldn't be taught. Fie on "they".

Yes there are pictures. No I haven't decided if I will post them. Some of us are shy.


Sunday evening the Missus and I arrive home full of various forms of meats and even more various forms of drink thanks to the 72 hour Festival of Gluttony. We are tired and anxious to get back to our internets. He pushes open the door and we both carry armloads of whatnot inside.

And that's when I say:


"Hey where's the caaa....oh FUCK!"

I run to my bedroom door behind which I sequestered Tallulah on Friday so that I could leave the front door open for the purpose of loading. But I had forgotten to let her back out again. I piled up her food, filled her water and cleaned out her litter box only to lock her in my room without any of those things for 3. FULL. DAYS.

I am the worst pet parent ever. I should have PETA called on me immediately. I should have my dominant species classification taken away. The poor thing was shaking. It's a good thing I keep her so fat because she would've probably eaten my shoes, which I would've deserved but not appreciated. I could see the dent on the bed where she spent the weekend sleeping...trying not to think about food or the people who had abandoned her. The little angel didn't even use the pile of clean clothes on my bed as a kitty bathroom. She held it in ALL weekend like the furball of a champ that she is. If there was a chance for her to compete in the Olympic Trials for keeping it in...she'd set a world record and be off to Bejing in no time...where she'd probably become the main ingredient in some General Tsao. Let's not think about that.

Anyway, this negligent act is still haunting me two days later. I keep whispering apologies to her and letting her get away with naughty things I normally wouldn't stand for. I'm letting the guilt overrule the fact that she's perfectly fine...if not a skosh more svelte. But the whole ordeal scared me. When I was teaching pre-school my aide forgot one of the kids outside for a bit and it took me forever to notice. By 'forever' I mean about 2 minutes...but that's a decade to a 3 year-old. She didn't have food or water or a bathroom either. You see where this is going.
I shall begin the sterilization process immediately.

Watch; the Missus is going to tell me to stop dwelling.

The Sterilization Process includes:
- Drink exactly 1 gallon of Ovary Burn (1 part bottom shelf tequila and 2 parts Clorox bleach)

- Attend both a punk rock AND a death metal show in the same evening making sure to stand at front of the pit where hips continually come into contact with the metal barrier
- Lean into the front of the microwave during the heating up of all food and beverage items

- Jump from a chair onto concrete or cement twice a day for 4 consecutive days


Sounds like it might work, right? No?

18 keep(s) me blogging:

Stinkypaw said...

Your poor kitty! No wonder she was shaking, it probably wasn't from hunger but from her need to pee! You do have a little angel... who deserves some luvin' Be nice to her, even if she's perfectly fine.

theWaif said...

Poor little 'Lullah. If there were a feline fuzz, I'd rat you out. Sorry, but you brought the puns upon yourself.

See if I ever let you watch the Face again. You'd probably accidentally let him ride your scooter or some such tomfoolery.

Gorilla Bananas said...

She must have peed somewhere, you just didn't notice because it had dried. I suggest you have your kids right now and give them to your mom to adopt while she's still fit for raising young'uns.

Rachel said...

OMG your poor cat!

Im so so so so so so so so

etc...

...so disappointed in you.

You don't deserve to have fun. You should stay home this weekend and let her maul you with her claws,

Robert the Skeptic said...

Good thing for you that you never taught her how to use the phone. She's probably been watching you use the computer... I'd leave it turned off when you are not around.

TBrawls said...

Could I please get a a 3x5 of Image #2 and an 8x10 of you and the ketchup bottle from your company photo composites? My living room is a bit bare.

Kara said...

tbrawls - oh it is ON! how did you manage to escape having your likening captured by the hipster photographer? whatever...i'll blow one up to poster -sized.

everyone else - i know, i'm horrible. the sheets are being washed just in case but seriously, cat pee isn't subtle. i can't find that she went anywhere in the room.

Orhan Kahn said...

No I haven't decided if I will post them.

Do it!

Mary Witzl said...

Oh, your poor little cat! But before you really try any of those ovary burn treatments, let me tell you that we all have one story or more like this -- cat custodians and parents alike. In fact, you've made me remember a time that we locked our cat in by accident and -- well, never mind. Let's just say that ours didn't have the stamina yours has.

Our current cat has stockpiled so many damn rodents in the house that if we locked her in for a month, she'd be good.

C said...

You have an unusually benevolent cat. Are you sure she didn't pee in your shoes?

I think everyone has a story like this. I adopted a dog that I returned to the rescue group. It's a long story (that I blogged), but when I was telling it at work a transgendered woman overheard me and said, "What are you going to do when you have kids. You can't return them." I wanted to say something like, "Bitch! You have a penis so shut up!" I didn't. I'm still having kids.

Kara said...

mary - you and C are the only ones helping to alleviate the guilt. bless you both.

c - your comment KILLED me. i've read it three times now.

Rachel said...

Im sorry I made you feel bad-er. Your post was so graphic, and I was just shocked.

but yeah, I've been a bad cat owner a few times too. Once, when my love affair with B. was still brand new, we spontaneously went away for the weekend, all three days, and I had forgotten to provide her with enough food. She was ravenous and quite cranky when I returned. I felt guilty for a week, and determined that I wasnt able to care for her properly, gave her into the care of my sister, who is a stay-at-home mom with 2 kids. I took her back after a year, when things with B. settled down.

thethinker said...

A cat that didn't have an accident for THREE DAYS?! That's amazing. My cat has access to her litter box 24 hours a day, but she still manages to have "accidents" all the time!

Kara said...

rachel - thanks for that. you're off the list.

thinker - well i kind of found some foul smelling clothes on the floor as i was gathering up the laundry today. so i guess there's my answer. but at least there's no crap anywhere!

problemchildbride said...

I think your cat deserves a box of chocolates adn a bouquet of catnip for that. Maybe a movie.

Orhan Kahn said...

Rude.

Sarah said...

Ovary burn...wow. You are going to be a great mom some day. My kids are still talking about hanging out with you Sunday. You're too hard on yourself baby kawah.

Sarah said...

Ovary burn...wow. You are going to be a great mom some day. My kids are still talking about hanging out with you Sunday. You're too hard on yourself baby kawah.