Thursday, August 21, 2008

Jackasses.

Some of the old school Condi fans may recall my tangent regarding Crocs back in '07 and how offended I was at the stylistic liberties the shoe manufacturers were taking with holey rubber. Well now I'm beyond offended. I'm not sure there's a word for that. Someone make one up for me.

The makers of the world's ugliest shoes aren't satisfied with being the makers of the world's ugliest shoes. They now have decided to also become the makers of the world's most counter productive accessories!

Example 1: The breathable cell phone case, also known as... the Crocs™-o-Dial (PUKE)

A "fun way to protect your phone", yeah from everything except that which destroys it...namely water. I don't know what it's like where you guys live, but here...anything housed in something with HOLES will get WET and MILDEWY. I enjoy the word "mildewy". Apparently it's not a word, though...because there's currently a red-squiggly line underneath it. Which I will ignore.


Yeah, so that pisses me off...until I see THIS.

Example 2: the beach-hating beach tote

For "big fun days at the beach" this tote is a must-have...if you just love getting sand in your shit. And what the eff is a big fun day? That statement makes almost as much sense as a beach tote filled with holes.

These two Crocs products combined with the others previously "reviewed" make me hate everything. Perhaps that's a bit melodramatic, but you'll have to forgive me because you won't be able to help it. I believe that these items should be utilized in the same vein as a white flag on the battlefield...except instead of meaning "we surrender", they would be an unmistakable declaration of war. Yes. I'm off to notify military-types of my fantastic idea. I can see the enthusiastic reception now. I'll be a hero and live live the rest of my days as a celebrity...like those scientists who invented the Atomic bomb.

15 keep(s) me blogging:

Orhan Kahn said...

Thats just retarded. Seriously. Did they only do that so that they could call something a Croc-o-Dial? Idiots.

Robert the Skeptic said...

I think the military is looking into these for our troops to tote ordinance in. The cooling holes are conducive to keeping depleted uranium at safe operating levels. They're also quite handy for lugging those unsightly jagged pieces of debris left after one of those messy little roadside bombs goes off. If Crocks indeed lands one of those lucrative military contracts, you WILL want to be a shareholder. Oh, yes!

Kara said...

or - you really shouldn't call things "retarded". they're mentally challenged.

dad - i'm buying shares as we speak.

Sarah said...

I love your job. You come across the funniest stuff. I thank you for warning me about this crap before I see it in stores. There could have been a scene if I had stumbled upon this at Target by accident.

Gorilla Bananas said...

You've got a classic water-in-the-hole complex. Some people live in dry climates where the main problem is ventilation. Not me, but some people.

Woozie said...

You can't even hide a good bomb in that tote bag. It's worthless!

Rachel said...

I...
have no words.

Just...
appalling.

Effortlessly Average said...

So I suppose it's only a matter of time before we see the Croc Condom? heh.

AxAtlas said...

I see a lotta utility in these Croc accessories...sport utility that is! These products help to carry and transport dirt, mud, sand & other crap. The owner uses this as evidence, helping to prove to others that he/she lives an adventurous & awesomer life. An example of this are those "arpies" (or gore-texers) with their SUVs. They work really hard to make sure its covered with mud & crap so they can show it off and tell others that they live better & fuller lives. It's just all in good fun ya know...it's too early. Where's my doughnut?

Mandy said...

My four-year-old loves Crocs. I'll have to get him a Blackberry so he can get the Croc case.

*Snicker*

Mary Witzl said...

Send those to someone in Southern California! The sand will run right out and you'll never have to worry about them getting wet inside.

problemchildbride said...

They are abominations, beach tote and cell-phone holder abominations. Sweet Jeeblies they are bad.

Stinkypaw said...

I must say that the name is good, c'mon! Croc-o-dial, that's a good one, but it does not serve any purpose other than annoying a lot of people with its ugliness!

The Future said...

The word you're looking for is, ahem...are you holding your breath yet? Just kidding, I would call them hipster accessories. That way, they are nicely aligned with your second most hated category.

Wow, that was awkward said...

Somehow, crocs stock was once at something like $80 bucks. Your point is a big reason the stock is now under ten bucks.