Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Half-Assed Reviews: The Terminator and Brothers Bloom

Go away!

No, I don't mean it. I just don't want to share my beer. I only have 7 of them left and they have to last.

Seriously though, I want an award. Time was I couldn't post three lines about weeds in the forest without getting some made-up blogger award. I liked it. Made me feel special. Made me feel read. Made me feel like I was impacting the world in a really profound and insignificant way. No, that was not a typo. I was just being clever there. The kind of clever that used to win me blogger awards.

So come on you people who know how to both blog and work the microsoft paint program that comes standard with your operating system! Cr
aft me an award! I need validation! And an air conditioner, hell's balls, is it overly warm in here!


Half-Assed Movie Review
time! You like that?! I've got two re-occurring gimmicks now. Watch out! I'm almost professional! If I could just learn how to properly tag things, I'd have this shit LOCKED DOWN.

Shut up. Here we go!

The Terminator

You may or may not have heard of this movie. You may or may not know that its star, who's cup size must be close to my own, is currently the governor of California. And completely and totally solely responsible for the upholding of Prop 8. I think it's because he hates himself. Man, I speak so much truth!

Anyway! I've already seen this movie but it was years ago and on TV so I missed all the good bits. And to be honest, this time around I fell asleep during the sex scene, so when she showed up preggo at the end (um, spoiler alert?) I was all...'when did they do it?'.

But what I really want to say about this movie is
that it is the ONLY film I have EVER seen that didn't include a single actor from any era of Saturday Night Live AND had a character that SERIOUSLY used the term "your mama" as a come back. 4 stars. ****. Those are asterisks but some cultures would totally call them stars.

The Brothers Bloom

I saw Brick a couple times in the theatres (classy sp). As a HUGE fan of Noir and The Maltese Falcon, it tickled me pink. Or noir. And I much preferred it everything else in the world for a very short amount of time. No this has nothing to do with the fact that I want to chew on Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I really thought it was clever!

The Brother's Blo
om, not so clever. Adequately clever is the best I'd give it. I don't know if there's a star(asterisk) equivalent to that. I'm going to say it's more like this: **^^. The best parts of the film were Rachel Weiz and that chick from Babel. Bang Bang was her character's name. They had the best lines. Yes, I attribute that sentence to both of them (for those who've already seen it). I'd already been warned that it was a Wes Anderson-riddled homage...but really I didn't find that to be the case, which was a blessing, because I didn't want to have to choke(dislike) a bitch(the director). The plot was hackneyed and the characters trite, but it was all very pretty.

I will say this for the film, though, and I believe this sums up my opinion aptly:

The consistent use of capes was fantastic. I was 100% behind it. It's very possible that there was some actual metaphor involved about how everyone has something to hide, etc. But I don't even care. I just love capes. And I don't think that's wrong.

So there you have it; some more half-assed movie reviews to help you decide how to spend your free time. Don't even pretend I don't influence that.

16 keep(s) me blogging:

The Future said...

Maybe Schwartzenager (I just realized you never used his name so you didn't have to slaughter the spelling of it...smart cookie) has some ideas for your chesties problem then.

kara said...

mum - "chesties"?! oh man, i'm gonna laugh at you for that one for YEARS. and that time you ran the red light because you thought it was a stop sign.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I'm sure Arnie has plenty of ideas for you chest problem which involve touching them until they feel better (or worse). Capes hide the tush. Subconsciously that's why you like them.

Orhan Kahn said...

Wait, are you actually reviewing a movies from the 80's when the new one is out at the cinemas right bloody now?


erin said...

I would craft you an award, but I just don't feel like it right now. Maybe next week...or the week after that.

Rachel said...

Gimme a couple months and I'll make an award just for you. I'll call it the "Half-Assed Award!" Or
"HAA!" For short.

You're welcome.

Mary Witzl said...

I love capes too! I had a grey one for years that made me look a little too much like Florence Nightingale, so I got rid of it. But for a while there, it was ME.

kara said...

goranas - you may be right but that doesn't change the fact that they're damn hella wicked cool. the capes, not chestes.

or - says who? you don't get to make the rules. arnold does.

erin - is this your way of saying you own a mac instead of a pc? you're ashamed aren't you. and so you should be.

rachel - i'll hold my breath! do NOT be responsible for my death.

mary - nightingale's been out of the picture for a few years now...i think it's safe to bring it back.

Robert the Skeptic said...

Movies come out faster than I can ever hope to watch them... that's why my Netflix list just keeps getting longer.

Rachel Noy said...

Did Arnie do his little throat gargle thing at all? Like. TAKE COVER. ARGGHOWLRORWL.

If he did, I am SO seeing that film.

erin said...

No I have a PC...but I'm oddly embarrassed of the commercials for both. They think they're so clever. But they're not. Not at all. Not one bit.
You need to blog more so I can comment more.

Charlie said...

Congratulations. That's not an award, but rather a commentary on the fact that your reviews are truly half-assed. You have talent, woman: most people can't even do a fully-assed review.

Auri said...

Know how you feel about the awards... made the mistake of going off on them once. Said they were just an annoying 'chain letter-esque' type of thing and then I never seemed to get another (go figure). Thanks to my loving best friend I finally acquired several more and realized (along with the rest of the bloggy communicty) that apparently I do have some need to belong;)
btw... I love your blog...

The Future said...

Saw Star Trek. It was a little like deja vu but Spock had jowls!

kara said...

dad - yes, Terminator's pretty recent. but if you rent it NOW, you'll catch up with the world.

ra-noy - behold...your nickname. so as not to confuse with the other rachel who does NOT have a nickname yet. so, um...what were you saying?

erin - or i need to comment more so you can comment on the comments.

charlie - full-assed reviews just piss me off. in the end, i don't really care if other people like the movies i see. i just care if they include a good looking man almost or totally nekkid.

auri - they call that jealousy and i believe its corresponding color is green. you MUST have someone make you a green cape immediately. oh, and welcome.

mumsy - and dentures! oh the dentures!

theWaif said...

I haven't seen either of those movies (only parts of Terminator) so I have naught to say on those topix.

But I voted for avacado because it's stinky AND slimy. Gak.