Friday, May 22, 2009

Herbs of Shame

If you dye your thumb green, is that the same as being born with it? I canNOT keep my goddamn plants alive. Why is this so hard? People have entire acres of living greenery...why can't I keep six herbs going?! The cilantro will be laid to rest this afternoon. The basil is not far behind it.

Green extremities gives me a sudden urge to quote The Big Lebowski. "I can get you a toe."

I haven't felt much like blogging lately. The usual excuses and an occasional hatred of the internet all apply. When I would normally be totally open to blogging about things that piss me off, the things in question have been either overly mundane or not for general audiences. Like birth control. But then Rachel blogged about birth control and I find myself emboldened by this. Besides, I'm at my wit's end. They have an end, you know. It kind of looks like a frayed cable after a rat has chewed on it.

Anyone sensitive to TMI factors should just stop reading here.

My chestses have gotten out of control. They've gone the exact opposite way of the cilantro. I don't know what color that makes my thumb. It's all a very strange line of ponderance.


To put it subtley, I haven't been able to wear a top like this since around the age of 15 (when I wouldn't have been caught dead in one anyway):

Likewise, halter tops are forever beyond my reach. And even the IDEA of going without a bra makes my back hurt. Some of it is genetics.

But most of it is from hormonal birth control.

I've been on some form of it since I was a teenager. That's also how long I've been attemping to keep ovarian cysts at bay. I think they started around 14, back when it was odd for someone so young and they kept trying to blame my appendix. Silly medical professionals.

Any woman that's ever had an ovarian cyst burst knows that HURTS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. Any dude that's had an appendix inflame or rupture can get the idea. There were many trips to the ER. before realizing there was no point. Then doctors realized that the Pill could help prevent them from occurring, and I was all, "YES!"

Fast forward several years where several different versions of the Pill, the Ring, the Patch, the Shot and a witch doctor-brewed Tea were all tried with nasty nasty side effects resulting. And as any woman knows, when you change a type, you go through a weight gain and some mood swings.

So I was all "fuck this" and went off it. That lasted about three years...until last October when I went back into the hospital thinking I was exploding on the inside. Since then, I've already had to change the type of Pill once. Result? I need all new bras. But the current size has finally reached the 'not sold in generic stores' status. I've officially gone porn star-sized. It's extremely depressing. I don't even know where porn stars shop. There's not a large number of them in my circle of friends. Hopefully some of you do.

So there's my "poor me" rant. My choices are the equivalent of an appendicitis on a monthly basis or ballooning lovely lady lumps. And I don't like it one bit.

I'm sorry for any mental images that might have inspired.

And any small-chested women who read the above and try tell me to stop my whining...that women pay for things like this, etc. will be given a double espresso and a puppy to take home.

Wait, that's the wrong sign.

18 keep(s) me blogging:

Robert the Skeptic said...

Damn Damn Damn!! I should have heeded the warning and NOT read past the "TMI factors" disclosure. And I thought I was all done with therapy... Damn!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Hell, your titties have got a mind of their own. Or should that be two minds? I think I once heard a woman say that the Pill cleared up her zits? Did I hear right? I might have been dreaming.

kara said...

dad - i think we're even at this point, don't you? yes.

goranas - yes...there are all sorts of benefits of the Pill for normal women. i've always remained in that 5th percentile that got none of it. except for the not getting prego. that's always worked.

CTJen said...

I have had big tits since puberty--I grew them all my own. And yes, it sucks. Anyone who pays for this shit is stoopid.

I feel your pain, sista.

Rachel said...

Im a 34G (DDDD). natural. I HATE shopping for bras and swimsuits. Why do those silicone bimbos do this to themselves?!

Sorry you have to take the hormones. That sucks. isnt removing the ovaries an option? or not, because you want kids?

Orhan Kahn said...

Oh, my.

I'm just a little speechless. Anything to make you feel a little awkward, I guess.

Great post :)

theWaif said...

And just think, in another decade or so we'll have menopause to look forward to. So yay!

erin said...

the Waif says 'in another decade or two'! I'm thinking MENOPAUSE NOW you mother fuckers!

I've been without periods and birth control for such a long time...but with the added 'unbenefits' of pregnancy, nursing and giant globs of baby fat.
SOMEBODY give me a normal period and normal boobs. I'm dying for them, Kara, can you help me?! ;)

Mary Witzl said...

Awww...I'd offer to give you a hug, but we might send each other flying against the walls. I'm not going to whine, (though I wouldn't mind espresso and/or a puppy). I had a cousin who needed reduction surgery because she had deep, terrible grooves over both shoulders from her bra straps digging in. It's really not funny.

Here's hoping you'll find a resolution.

Charlie said...

(What a day to visit from Stinky's or Mary's blog!)(I don't remember which one.)

It's kind of strange after being married for almost 35 years: I've always thought chestses were called chesticles.

I'm never too old to learn, I guess, but most of the time it takes a sledgehammer.

kara said...

CTJen - seriously. i want to go all pro-lifeish at plastic surgery clinics and protest with giant poster board pictures of nappy boob jobs. wanna come?

rachel - my insurance blows goats. i'd have to prove that i have no quality of life before they'd call that anything but elective.

or - i know you know my pain. you know all pain.

waif - i can't fuckin' wait.

erin - i don't know if i can help you since i haven't had either for eons either. but i tell you, i have gobs of baby fat too and no baby. figure THAT puzzle out while i go put a twinky in the fry daddy.

mary - my resolution is gin. laced with shoes. or maybe the other way around.

charlie - i'm always hoping to scare away prospective new readers! "chesticles" was the right term through the reagan and bush I era. hilary forced the country's hand with the introduction of the proper medical term "chesteses". and nobody argues with hilary.

Charlie said...

Huh. A history buff. You forgot Mr. Carter, however. He made it a sin to look at bosomly areas because of lustifulness.

Orhan Kahn said...

I do know all pain :(

The Future said...

That's weird, my comment disappeared. I had said I would provide you with some sage advice but I can't because I'm not far behind. (We'll see if this one sticks.)

Stinkypaw said...

I feel for you... really... and sorry but I don't know any porn star, only some gogo boys...

Amber said...

My mom had back pain pretty much her whole life. Turns out it was for the same reason. She finally got a reduction, but still has the back pain.

Mia Dickinson said...

Representing the "small boobed and non birth control taking" part of the female population, I have to say I get very excited when my time of the month comes and for a few days, my boobs grow.

I have been known to go around asking my friends to grope them and have a feel. As for the plastic variety, I have pondered over the option but simply am too vain to follow through with it!

Twinkie said...

I've killed TWO lucky bamboos and three suculus with my black thumb. So I feel your pain. THEY make it look sooo easy, don't they?