Wednesday, November 25, 2009

A Pox on All Their Strip Mall Locations

Every time I think I have something to complain about, I need to stop and remember that I don't work at Old Navy.

Those fuckers are going to open their doors at 3:00 AM on the day after Thanksgiving (also called "Black Friday" by those who don't have association issues with the term "Black Death" like I do). That means the employees - who make little more than a pittance and have to wear a headset mic all day with a smile - will need to roll their tryptophanized asses into work at, like, 2:00 AM. And then function.

Kinda defeats the purpose of the holiday. I hope the CEOs of Old Navy/Gap/Banana Republic Incorporated rot in a 1st class hell filled with angry ferrets.

But seriously, no alarm will get me up at that hour. Not even the smell of bacon will do it. But it doesn't even matter because there's no sale worthy of getting up that early. I don't care if it's half-priced booze or buy one get one free orphaned children. You can argue all you want that all the cutest and strongest children will be taken by mid-morning, but I'm still not getting out of bed. I'll take the conjoined twins with the lazy eyes, I don't even care.

And if I worked for Old Navy, I'd sabotage their Black Friday nonsense with some destructive shenanigans. Though it wouldn't end up being very inventive because I will have gotten to work at 2:00 goddamn o'clock. Vicious circle.

Anyway - there are some hippies out there touting a Buy Nothing Day on Friday. That pisses me off too, but for a different reason. If I want to buy a slice of pizza and a watery Mexican beer, I will damn well do so and no unwashed bohemian radical is gonna tell me otherwise. Old Navy has no impact on the constant foodless state of my home. And I'm not gonna let their greed keep me from sustenance. My pizza isn't going to change the fact that next year, they'll probably open at 1:00 AM on the day after Thanksgiving.

May your holiday be filled with meat and gluten.

And for those who suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous food allergies or animal cruelty stances...insert the appropriate substitute foods into the above statement.


13 keep(s) me blogging:

Stinkypaw said...

This whole "Black Friday" is a foreign concept to me - that's one time I'm happy to be Canadian! To get up that early for anything other than flying away somewhere is totally ridiculous to me! The only time I'm up at that time, is when I haven't gone to bed yet.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Gorilla Bananas said...

The early hours are meant for creatures with big teeth, so they must be staffing the place with vampires and buck-toothed blondes. I hope you're going to exercise after stuffing yourself, you don't need an extra layer of butt-fat.

erin said...


I don't understand why anyone leaves their houses to shop. I had all of my christmas shopping done two weeks ago. It's all in a giant black bag in the basement. They could be me, but instead they insist on going out in the germ infested masses to get 'deals'.

It's worth all that money they 'saved' just not to be trampled or infected with swine flu.

The Future said...

This is nothing. Toys 'R Us is opening at midnight on Thanksgiving, that would be tonight, so conceivably one of their pittance-earning employees could be on the schedule for 24 hours. The retail world that just keeps on giving.

The Future said...

P. S. I wish you had found a photo of angry ferrets, that would have been the perfect touch.

Robert the Skeptic said...

I can't believe the suckers who fall for this marketing ploy. The CEO's of these companies must laugh their heads off... how do you KNOW that the prices are marked down?? Everyone "assumes" that they are getting some kind of outrageous deal. Want a real deal? Wait until AFTER Christmas, they will be practically giving their unsold crap away.

The TV news interviewed a woman coming out of a store with her purchase after waiting in line since the wee hours of the morning. What had she bought? Socks... A $1.29 item. Consumers as sheep who will jostle to stand in line to be shorn.

Charlie said...

I love it when you're pissed off about something because you remind me of me. One of these days we ought to have a good ole fashioned pissathon.

Mary Witzl said...

Clever girl, not letting even the temptation of cute babies get you up at 2 a.m. Once you have the babies, they pretty much do it anyway; might as well cut out some of the red-eye.

Please count me in if you and Charlie ever get together for a pissathon, okay? There are so many things that get me worked up I can hardly stand to think about it.

Ms. Salti said...

I adore your wit. You rock.

Ms. Salti said...

Oh, and how are those conjoined twins doing?

Auri said...

I'm with you babe... the only way I'm up at that hour is if I start out from the other end... meaning if I'm still up and it's the end of the night... not the beginning... plus... I'm not a black friday kinda girl.

Anonymous said...

OMG YES! I hate Black Friday and all the overly commercialized capitialistic crap the holidays have become.

I wish I could refuse to participate but alas, I have young nephews. You know how it is.

kara said...

stinkypaw - i don't even like to get up that early to travel. and anyone who says they do should not be allowed around people.

goranas - you're so right. off to drag out my elliptical. you really are the best and hairiest personal trainer i've ever had. and the only one.

erin - isn't the black bag a bit of a tell?

mum - on the way back we saw that the woodburn outlets opened at 10:00 pm T-day.

dad - everyone needs socks. sometimes earlier than others.

charlie - it's ON!

mary - it's ON!

ms. salti - they're so incredibly stuck together.

auri - if you're still up then it's just an extended thurs. so that doesn't count, yeah.

rachel - yes. yes i do. why are they so fucking cute?!