So I'm doing the single-thing for the first time in a while. The whole extraction process from the ex is messy and never-ending, and I'm a shitty flirter anyway, so anytime I meet new people, it makes for a Curb Your Enthusiasm meets Closer kind of fucked up situation again and again. Of course my friends eat it up...my messed up social skills are nothing but amusement for them. Bastards.
So last Friday I get dragged to this party of my friend's new boy toy. They're in that disgustingly sweet honeymoon stage where she doesn't really know his friends so I was forced along as wingman (wingwoman sounds stupid). I'm ok with that, she's been wingman for me for many an event, so I figure it's good karma. The people there aren't really my "type" of people. Lots of "business" friends...and some G's sporting bling, which makes for good people watching, horrible conversation. So when my friend abandons me to go snog her new boy toy in a corner, I just continuously visit the keg. By 1:30 I'm swaying pretty heavily, and apparently seductively cause I get rolled up on by this tall drink of water who sells real estate. He's cute, and amusing and though I can tell we have NOTHING in common, I've got nothing to do, so I turn on the flirtation.
For those who don't know me, let me just make something clear...my messed up brain's idea of flirting is to verbally castrate men. I mock them, I judge them, I make them feel stupid, and most of the time this makes them run away (as it should, I am such a BITCH, it's awful); but sometimes they can look past it if I'm wearing something particularly cute (and I don't know if that's skeezy or sweet). This guy not only takes it for two hours straight, he gives me his email address when I leave (in this day and age, you don't just go giving men your number) and I say I'll email him something saucy. God, I'm a dork.
Saturday I wake up ashamed of myself. I don't email him.
Monday I meet up with my girlfriends after work for happy hour in the Pearl District...a snooty part of downtown Portland that I rarely set foot in (and certainly not in daylight). Yes, I'm snooty about the snooty part of town, sue me. On our way back to their cars, we discover that my two friends parked right next to each other. Coincidence! As we discuss this, I look across the street and see him. Mr. Real Estate. Fuck! And oh god, he sees me too. The street is crossed and the second most awkward conversation of my life ensues with, "So I thought I was going to get a saucy email..." Must flirt! So you know what that means...I become cruel. I ask if his LeBron James belt buckle is The Thundercats symbol, then ask what the deal is with white tennis shoes, then ask him why he even wants an email...enough...reliving this is too awful.
I eventually emailed him with my number 'cause I felt so bad. He hasn't called. Shocked.
Worst part...it was the 2nd most awkward conversation because almost this exact thing has happened to me before. Several months ago I tried to avoid a guy and then ran into him some place I never even go at like 2pm on a Sunday. Why? Why does my karma hate me so?
4 keep(s) me blogging:
You really do need to stop this business of verbally disemboweling men whenever you're embarrassed by them. It's just so messy.
Ive been through this flirting technique... its a disaster...
i mean would you like it if someone spoke to you like that... i dont.. sooo... i changed gears...
in order to fix something v need to make a consious effort...
dont you think?
Well, freedom glutton, I wholeheartedly agree with you...but the thing is, it seems to be an automatic response. I think what I need is the opposite of a pick-up line. You know, something memorized to say instantly thereby avoiding castration and perhaps commenting on their white teeth or something. Any suggestions?
Hmmmm... thinking this characteristic might have crossed over to you along with the cholesterol-thing gene. Sorry 'bout that! You will have to try to use your "manual override" to get past this one. Although that never worked for me; I had to wait for someone to come along who thought that trait was "cute".
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