Monday, April 30, 2007


Unlike previous posts where I lure you here under false pretenses with my titles...this one is actually about feet. My feet. They are deformity itself. As I told my friends on a bus in middle school once...I come from a long line of deformed people with feet. Have I mentioned I have verbal dyslexia? It's a real illness.

Anyway, my mother was once told by a doctor that she had the ugliest feet the doctor had ever seen. Why she decided it was appropriate to pass on her genes to any offspring after finding this out is beyond me. But here I am...with her ugly-ass feet. Thank you, mom.

They're incredibly skinny...making slip-ons impossible, have an extremely high arch...which makes tennis shoes uncomfortable, have giant bunions...making most shoes restrictive at the top and for the crowning achievement...the third toe is the same length as the second toe (you know, the long one) making my size impossible to determine (6 1/2 too small...7 too big). And pointy shoes are just out of the question. Well, should be.

Now we all know how I feel about shoes. You witnessed my resolution downfall this last month. Let's not bring it up again. However, I have seen what kind of limited selection girls are forced to contend with when they bow to the demands of foot deformities. I refuse. Life is too short to wear ugly shoes, people. I will squish my feet into any shape if that shape is comely little shoe-shape and I will walk and wince with pride all the livelong day.

Except now I've discovered that living in this fashionable way has given me corns. I'd never known what corns were before. I mean, calluses, yes...I understand those. Those are great...those make the pain go away...but corns fucking HURT. It's a callus that HURTS! What kind of universal and biological mindfuck is THAT?! Cruel CRUEL world.

Does this mean I'm going to convert with the herd and start wearing Danskos and orthopedic nurse shoes every day? Hell NO, people! If it means walking on stubs to heaven's gates, I will continue to wear my cute shoes until the toes fall right OFF. Bunions...corns be DAMNED.

Thank you...and good day.

14 keep(s) me blogging:

Jen said...

Aww... I wear Danskos... my feet are far more effed up than yours, although my mother was never told that her feet were the ugliest ever seen. She was however told that her arms from shoulder to elbow were a bit shorter than normal. So I guess that makes me T-Rex Lady. Oh hey, I dropped my pencil, you think you could pick that up for me?

Sarah said...

I was going to respond with that phrase and then read beat me to it.
Oh, and maybe if your toes fall off, you can wear a size 5 in whatever the hell shoe shape you want!

yinyang said...

This post makes me giggle, especially this part:

"Those are great...those make the pain go away...but corns fucking HURT. It's a callus that HURTS! What kind of universal and biological mindfuck is THAT?!"

The Future said...

First of all, the jerky doctor who told me that was simply a jerk so discount everything he said. Secondly, I have had other people tell me my feet aren't the ugliest they've seen. Thirdly, if I passed on my bad genes to you, why don't I have bunions or corns or any other vegetables growing on my feet? I'll tell you why, because you have done it to yourself with all your extreme shoes, that's why, Missy. So there!

Laura said...

It's a well-known fact that the slope from FarylRobin kitten heels to Easy Spirit grandma keds is a slippery one indeed. I'm afraid I am also the sad recipient of the same deformed foot gene with the extra bonus deformity of toes that curl under causing massive ingrown toenail pain. Aren't we the lucky ones! What with mine and Ty's flat-footed genes, poor Beckett's tootsies don't stand a chance.

Laura said...

Oh and one more thing...


Macoosh said...

i applaud your ability to wince through the pain with each step. i am not of the same ilk; if it's that bad i'll take the shoes off and walk barefoot through a crack-needle infested neighborhood. i've done it before and i'll do it again. :)

so i applaud you. you are the woman i shalt never be.

Kara said...

jen - why yes, i will do so with my giant man-hands

sarah - inshallah. i want to wear the shoes in the picture. want want want. and i want to ride the scooter in them.

future - phooey. i maintain that it's all your fault. all your fault for everything.

laura - so all we can do is make sure he has snazzy footwear. it's all we can do.

laura - suck rope

macoosh - you could be if the shoes are cute enough. all it takes is the one pair you can't say no to.

thethinker said...

I have the same problem with slip-ons! (Except my feet aren't as deformed as yours.) people make fun of you when you wear flip flops/go barefoot?

Anonymous said... got the beauty and all the other good features. To want more is just unreallistic and possibly selfish. You didn't think I could stay away forever did you? N.W. rules!

Kara said...

thinker - i try to distract them with my mighty wit.

anonymous - KANSAS! Git back in your corner! Git!

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Both refusing to acknowledge and trying to cover up one's deformities is wholly sensible. It is healthy to be in denial about your twisted, mangled, malformed, knobbly bits. I feel exactly the same way about my brain. (Which takes a size 6)

if this comment doesn't take this time, I'm giving up.

Jill said...

It's off to the drugstore with you! Buy yourself some cornpads and wear your cute shoes with pride.

P.S. I hate toevage.

Orhan Kahn said...

Ew, feet.

Not a fan.