Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Portion Control Can Suck It

I think at this point I'm a good ten pounds heavier than I want to be. I'm still technically in the same size I've been in for years...but there are some unsightly bulges where before there were none. Well...fewer. According to the Waif (TM), the key to weight loss is portion control. And the key word in that phrase is "control"...of which I have none.

Part of the issue is that I'm a glutton, it's true. If something tasty is before me...I have a hard time not finishing it (hello creme brulee). The other part of the issue is that having been dirt poor through most of college, I have a hard time wasting food...even if I don't like it. Throwing it away just makes me sad. Not Hotel Rwanda sad...but like just-missed-the-bus-and-now-I-have-to-wait-1/2-hour-for-the-next one sad. Sad.

Now, I ride my bike to work almost every day, and it's a fantastical workout...for my lower half. But it doesn't seem to be doing enough. And I'm wondering if it has anything to do with the fact that I'm having a small but kind of largish love affair with Twixes. Yes, Kansas knows. Apparently he doesn't mind sharing me. And now we're back to that fucking word of the day, "control".

Tiny Sneezer doesn't like chocolate. I can't wrap my head around that. It's up there with Creationism for me. How can anyone not love the chocolaty, chocoriffic, smooth heaven that IS chocolate? And how can anyone believe that the world is only 6,000 years old and that dinosaurs are myths? It's like contemplating the size of the universe...my head internally explodes.

So I haven't decided yet how I'm going to lose these ten pounds. It has to be something that doesn't require too much space or effort. I haven't much of either. We bought too much 70's funk furniture for our little living room and now there's no space left for any pilates or yogaing. That and I'm lazy.

Kansas wants to take some sort of martial art together. I feel as though I need to get back into ballet, if I'm going to pay for any sort of class. I really liked it until my teacher went all russian-battleaxe on me. Then there's walking. People in Portland are big on this whole "hiking" thing. I don't know if it's for me...driving somewhere just so you can get out of the car and walk for miles. I mean...I went without a car for a long time and was forced to walk everywhere...and I can pretty much tell you, there's nothing glamorous about the endeavor. So the idea of making it a past time is less than...well...ideal. Plus there's the whole being-out-in-nature aspect. We have bears here, people.

So what does that leave? Anything? I think not. Guess I'm going to have to learn to love those ten pounds. Maybe I'll sleep with my arms wrapped around them tonight to see if we bond. Who knows...as time goes on they may just become part of the family. They'll probably want their own room at some point. Lord.


17 keep(s) me blogging:

tiny sneezer said...

I am commenting again. I too hate portion control, I can't just leave food sitting there, especially if I am hungry or have more room in my belly. As for chocolate, the taste is just no good, no good at all. I much prefer a fake sugary candy any day.

Sarah said...

Try puking more.

froelica said...

I think you might be out of luck. I actually like walking, so that's a good exercise for me. The only thing I won't do (well, as far as exercising goes) is run. I will NOT run EVER. NEVER. I think that if a bear were chasing me I'd run, but I'd be wheezing and whining the entire time.

Macoosh said...

as one who often speaks up for embracing thyself and thy body, i have to warn you against allowing the extra pounds to be part of the family...i'm officially overweight and need to lose some poundage but honestly, i've always liked my body and i really think i'd miss my belly....i know that sounds fucked but i really would. we're pals! so love those 10 pounds; you can afford to keep them. but don't make friends with them...they'll never go away. and they'll always want to borrow money. psh.

My Little Pony said...

Portion Control is the DEVIL!!! Just be careful because once those 10 pounds know they're safe they'll start inviting some friends along....

The Future said...

I was just waiting to see when your fear of bears would become a topic, albeit peripheral. Let's put it this way, if you want something bad enough, you'll find a way to get it. If you really wanted to lose the 10 pounds, you'd do whatever it took to lose it, so I say, whatever!

thethinker said...

Mmmm... Twix.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Hotel Rwanda was very sad. But in the best non-sequitur I've made all day - that doesn't help you. Walk for about 20 minutes a day and cut back just slightly on your food. It'll melt off without you even noticing. Don't diet. Just do it as a by the way thing. 10lbs is no big deal anyway.

Non-sequiturs are much much easier than sequiturs. I don't know why everyone makes such a fuss of the former.

Kav said...

Get out of my head, dammit. I was just writing the same stuff. The best advice I've been given is "Screw it".

Orhan Kahn said...

That maybe so but I think you look just fine. You seem more happy and open than most girls I interact with. Cherish that.. or I will crush you with my almighty powers (don't know where that came from).

Laura said...

What. Ever. Your problem with not wasting food is a misnomer, let's 'fess up now -- it's not that you don't want to waste food, it's that you eat out a lot of the time and don't like eating leftovers so you gorge yourself on american-restaurant-sized portions, which are always too much food for one normal-sized person. Am I right or am I right? You know it.

Chocolate is aiight. Twixems are good, but Skittles are my downfall.

And stop calling me Waif. Jeebus. I preferred Fatty McFatterton.

nic said...

I knew a cat referred to as Fatty McFatfat. The first time I heard that name I laughed so hard milk came out my nose.

As one with a twix and milky way obsession, I feel your pain. And I agree with those who stated that portion control is the devil. I can't do it. I almost ate an entire box of macaroni and cheese tonight (organic, but I didn't have any silk so I just used butter..mmmmmmmmm)

I've taken up running since..what, March? 10 pounds hangs on. If I could lose ten, oh honey... I'd be geeked. But in the mean time, I have developed some ripped up soccer legs that make me so proud...

But I hate running, to tell the truth. I just do it because I can and I feel like a badass when I'm done.

I won't give any advice, just support: You go, girl! :)

Neal said...

If you welcome it to the family, then you'll have to start feeding it, then it will grow more, then you'll need even more rooms....

AxAtlas said...

Maybe a new pair of cool running shoes will help motivate you to run and/or work out more...eh that costs $...nevermind.
About a few weeks ago I ran in the mornings before work. It wasn't long till I started utilizing my "Portion Control" (not to be confused with that Prince song). I started feeling great and less stressed out and more confident about my just kidding on the latter. Back to serious mode, just recently I've stopped running b/c of 2 things: 1)more stress from work 2)booze and peer pressure. I booze and stay out way too late (4-5 hours of sleep doesn't help)...which added even more stress.
So you get my drift? You pickin' up what I'm puttin' down? It's STRESS!!! Portion Control (again not be confused with that Prince Song) = Stress...sorry for stating the obvious.
Oh and the martial arts idea is a good one. That should take care of a lotta stress.

My Little Pony said...

Further more...

I studied martial arts for a few years until I broke myself but that's another story for another day. I loved it! I'm actually thinking of throwing caution to the wind and going back. Not only do you get fit but you learn how to kick major ass!

Jill said...

Wish I had some advice, but I don't. Exercising more just makes me hungrier. Now I want a Twix.....

Kara said...

oh tiny sneezer - you know you can't stay away...you chocolate hating crazy, you.

sarah - no. ew. no.

fro - as an out of shape asthmatic...running would make my lungs burst. and what a MESS it would make.

macoosh - i'm okay with them wanting to borrow my clothes, but i draw the line at money. i'll kick them to the CURB!

pony - isn't that ALWAYS the way...mooching is a disease.

future - evil evil death-filled bears.

sam - you can't call it a non-sequitur if i set it up for you, can you? it's just not random enough. and i probably won't diet. mainly because i can't. i physically can't. i'll black out and wake up with a cheeseburger stuck halfway in my mouth and be like, woah.

kav - i suppose you win with the time difference and whatnot...but men can lose weight way easier than women can and that cheeses me off. shoot...you could sneeze and lose 5lbs.

or - happy? you mean with my size? have you BEEN swimsuit shopping with me???

waif - you are not allowed to have an opinion on this matter

nic - shooting foodstuffs out your nose might be a good way to lose weight, actually. i might just try it. maybe i'll start with an artichoke.

thinker - i almost skipped you! sorry. and yes...twix be gooooood.

neal - well shoot. maybe i'll buy it a crate and keep it like a pet.

ax - running shoes hurt my feet. and exercise hurts my will to live.

jill - you glorious jogger, you...eat as many twixi as you want.