Monday, May 14, 2007

The Stupid Effing Bed Doesn't Fit

I know. It's a bit much for a title...but I'm pissed. We tried to move Kansas in this weekend (my turn comes next weekend) and the stupid motha-effin' bed doesn't fit through the mother-effing door/stairwell. Why I'm censoring myself, I don't know. We tried to move in the new place all weekend. I don't know what kind of inflatable furniture the tenants prior to us had, but there's no way in hell they had anything but a futon and a twin bed. No wonder it has a dishwasher and a claw foot tub. I feel as though we were sold a bill of goods. The landlord is aghast in disbelief. He's never heard of such an issue before...blah blah blah. Just when I think we'll have a goodie...we've got another baddie. Unless he redeems himself by NOT being pissed that we scratched up the floor TRYING to get the goddamned bed in.

Here's the story as told to Marie over IM(abridged):

[12:06] Marie: doth the bed fitteth?
[12:45] kara: noeth.
but we haven't decided what to do yet.
though the living room is set up.
and we have a an orange couch.
[12:47] Marie: i heard your couch didn't fit.
[12:48] kara: we had to run out and buy a sectional.
[12:48] kara: it's burnt orange.
uh huh.
[12:49] Marie: you bought a couch?
wow.
[12:49] kara: it's starting to resemble pee-wee's playhouse.
i know, i'm broker by the minute.
[12:49] Marie: have you ever lived with a boyfriend before?
i don't remember if you said.
[12:49] kara: not since college.
and it ended badly.
[12:50] kara: this has actually really been testing us...we've done some serious bickering and threatening to punch one another in the face.
[12:51] Marie: well, if threats of punches are voiced, that's still making light of the situation...so that sounds ok.
[12:51] kara: exactly. i knew you'd understand us.
[12:51] Marie: just don't tell him that you're going to punch him in his ovaries.
[13:02] kara: i'll punch him in the adam's apple.
[13:02] Marie: ouch.
[13:08] kara: well yeah...the ovaries won't hurt him a stitch, so what's the point of making good on that threat?
[13:09] Marie: the point is to imply that he is a girly man who owns ovaries.
but that's just my emasculating take on it.
[13:10] kara: he is a girlie man...he irons his jeans.
maybe next time i'll just threaten to take away his iron and make him wear his jeans with wrinkles.
[13:11] Marie: that will make him cry.
[13:12] kara: well i don't want that...then i'll feel bad.
[13:12] Marie: yeah.
[13:13] kara: so maybe i'll just stick with the ovaries.

I know, it's like you were there, wasn't it.

6 keep(s) me blogging:

Jen said...

Meka leka High, meka hiney ho. Yeah, I'm sure it's spelled incorrectly, but you get the picture.

Macoosh said...

today's secret word is "noeth." AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

meanwhile, you'll get it in there. we had the same issue w/ my apartment and we finally accomplished it. you'll get it in.

and i so think the ovary punching is the winning solution.

Susie Q said...

Kara, you can pretend all you want, but an orange sectional is just WRONG. And Pee-Wee's playhouse is well... just WRONG! (I'm picturing the long haired mug shot of Pee-Wee's Big-house instead!)
But I do commiserate with you on the whole bed not fitting dealio.
What kind of apartment is this place?
I suppose it's better than the hellish 1/2 floor in "Being John Malkovitch", seriouly freaked me out...

Sarah said...

Kansas irons his jeans? I can't wait to meet him. To MOCK him, is what I mean... Actually, I am just impressed that he irons anything. I don't. I just hang it in the bathroom with the steam from my shower and pretend it works. It doesn't. I look homeless most of the time. It's called "homeless chic".

Kara said...

jen - you alarm me. in a good way.

macoosh - that's right...can't go making the guy cry now, can i.

sue - it's a basement apartment, though a cool one...not your typical 1/2 floor where you can't stand fully erect. ok...that last part should be read aloud.

sarah - he irons EVERYTHING...almost. i look like some sort of gypsy next to him. A gypsy...or a tramp...or a thief.

and you look anything but homeless, young lady.

AxAtlas said...

Never been told "I'll punch you in the ovaries". Last night, I asked a friend if he's ever received that threat and he said yeah. He immediately changed the topic.
SO pee-wee's playhouse? So your place is lookin' more like a pedophile's palace eh? Hey, i'm not criticizing. Whatever you dig.