Thursday, August 23, 2007

An Open Letter to Pedestrians and Motorists

Dear Pedestrians and Motorists,

I have a bone to pick with some of you. A bone that I can’t pick with each and every one of you at the moment it occurs to me therefore, I will do so here. So pull up a chair and listen as I tell you what.

Pedestrians – It’s not often we have to share a space…but it sometimes happens. Like now, when the Burnside Bridge is being worked on…the bike path has been pushed up on the sidewalk. Guess what that means…it’s not all fucking yours anymore.

1. When you hear my dinosaur eyeball bell…I’m not just making tinkling joyful music to assuage your ears. I’m telling you to move the fuck over so I can pass your slow ass.

2. It is common custom for a bike to pass you on your left. You may recall once or twice in your life you might have heard someone say “on your left”. Though it’s missing the “I’m passing you” portion of the sentence…the implication is that you should watch out for your left side. If you MOVE to your left side. I’m going to fucking hit you. And not say sorry.

3. When I am riding on the street…I am a car. That means that when I have a green light, it is NOT appropriate for you to cross the street in front of me, preventing me from moving forward. Just because I don’t have an engine, doesn’t mean I can’t FUCK YOU UP. And I’m not even the one you should be worried about. You get a messenger riding a fixie with no breaks coming at you at full speed…you better find religion.

4. Do NOT comment on my bike looking “odd” or “strange”. I know it is small. I know the front wheel is a different size than normal. But it kicks ass, and it has a dinosaur eye bell. And you’re walking, so suck it.

Motorists – it’s your turn, you fuckers:

1. Do NOT attempt to pass me on a double yellow lined road when I am riding in the middle of my lane. For all intents and purposes, I am a car. Piss and moan all you like, but don’t risk my life and yours by passing me unsafely just because you want to speed. You twat.

2. Do not get irritated and honk when I stop for a stop sign. I don’t get irritated and ring my bell when you do.

3. Guess what. I don’t like getting hit by the opening doors of parked cars. It’s not my favorite thing in the world. I know. Shocking. So why don’t you appreciate what I’m doing for the environment and allow me to cycle well within the lane without having to worry about you hitting me and me not winning the lawsuit because I wasn’t acting exactly like a car. Fucker.

4. Do NOT roll down your window and presume to lecture me on the rules of the road from your big ass, gas guzzling SUV because I choose to use a crosswalk to get across a busy street where no one will stop for a bike. While we’re at it…Mr. Morality…how much does it cost to fill your monster up? Yeah, keep supporting that war, asshole.

5. And to you fucking cops…. How many hit and runs have there been this year? Cyclists mowed down? Doesn’t matter? We still deserve $200 tickets for occasionally riding on the sidewalk to avoid death? Yeah. I can just feeeel my respect for your authority oozing out my pores.

6. And while we're on the subject...I point in the direction I'm turning because most motorists haven't the faintest idea what the correct hand signals are for left and right. Get off my back.

And with that, I’d like you all to take my requests and demands into consideration in an effort to promote peace and junk. Or you can fuck off and receive the brunt of my post-near-death-experience anger as well as my middle finger if you get in my damn way.

Yours truly,

13 keep(s) me blogging:

Devon said...

HA, first comment.

First, I don't see why you can't point this stuff (at least the immediately pertinent stuff) out to any and all peds and motorists you feel need this pointed out to. That's what I always did. An accident with a cyclist is a slight inconvenience for them but it's a serious injury for the biker. I came within inches of clipping the front corner of this fucking retarded lady's honda about a month ago and I stopped in the middle of the street and blocked her and everyone behind her so I could take the time to yell profanities at her. You should do it, it's cathartic at the least and maybe a little effective in preventing it from happening again.

Oh, and you should ask Kendra about riding on the sidewalk. Here it is legal as long as you are going pedestrian speed but that didn't prevent her from getting broadsided by a vanagon last summer while doing it in Fremont.

and ps
no, i wont be posting on my blog anytime soon, but you should think about coming to Seattle soon. We've got a gig on Saturday Sept 1st and a CD release show Thursday the 13th you should consider. You guy's have a free place to stay and smell each others' hair all you like. Weird.

AxAtlas said...

Hmmm...what if we had to have a license to be a pedestrian? You think the world would be better off if we all had to attend pedestrian school? What would the age min be for a licensed pedestrian? Permit pedestrian? Imagine the pedestrian test! I can see an obstacle course with some tires in random places and you on yer scooter w/ Kansas sitting bitch ready to take out any test-takers.
Heck, insurance companies can make some mad money off this one! Pedestrian Insurance!!!
How about Enterprise Rent-A-Pedestrian??? Rent a pedestrian who can carry you on HIS back from point A to point B and all the other thousands points of light!!!
Wow!!! The possibilities are endless.
"I can't walk 55!!!!"

C said...

Pedestrians: #4
I couldn't agree with you more. I've only gotten one pedestrian comment, but it was from an obese man who looked he hadn't been anywhere near bicycle for a few decades. He said my bike was too big. I wondered how in the hell he would know and categorized it as unsolicited advice for a "girl cyclist."
Motorists: #4
SUV's piss me off now more than ever. However, the only motorist comment I've gotten was from a dude in a pick-up who yelled, "I'll show you a hand-signal." It freaked me out because I thought it was a threat, but the way he was leering at me, it might've been a pick-up line. Why you would try to hit on a cyclist in the midst of a bunch of 2 ton plus vehicles is beyond me. It's kind of an inopportune moment.
The only driver who almost hit me was in a minivan and he didn't even ask me if I was alright. The fucker.

Despite the hazards I really would like to cycle more, but it's hard to find an only-slightly-sunstroke- inducing time of day for it. I already use mornings for walking the dog. Moreover, I'd like a really girly bike with streamers so that I'll be better able to determine if I'm being harassed for being female or riding a bike.

apterix55 said...

Welcome to the real world. You won't be safe until you can afford a HumVee. (I recommend you upgrad to the .50 cal machine gun option.)

Gorilla Bananas said...

I'm glad you've got a bell. Thanks to my ape sense of hearing, I know when a bike is behind me even without a bell. But that doesn't stop me shoving them as they go past. I hear peddling is a great butt exercise. Never does any harm for a female to firm up her tush.

Nially said...

It makes me almost glad that the Irish government banned the use of engine-driven vehicles (unless you're a farmer, of course). Seems like a lot of bother.

Jill said...

God, the world is full of retards. You should not have to be explaining these things in the first place.

I want to see a picture of this "odd," "strange" bike.

Kara said...

devina - sometimes yelling at a retreating back is less satisfying than you'd imagine.

ax - why would anyone want to rent a pedestrian?

c - yeah, portland has ideal weather for cycling in the summer...not too hot...not too cold. it's the rest of the year that sucks ass.

apterix - i probably could afford a hummer...but nothing else. i'd have to say goodbye to food, clothing and shelter.

goranas - well aren't you just a bike-hating primate of evilness. you better make nice.

niall - whaaa?

jill - it's really not that strange. i'll try to post a pic. people are just retarded.

AxAtlas said...


King of Scurf said...

I was led to believe the only person to own a bicycle in the US was Lance Armstrong so I guess you have to expect a little ignorance on the part of other road users.

Kara said...

ax - bah!

your highness - welcome! lance is the only one with a bike...the rest of us rent it from him when we want to use a timeshare.

Sarah said...

I have nothing insightful to add to this post. I am one of the drivers who gets pissed off at people on bikes. Come on now, pollute with the rest of us and get off the freaking road! Ok, I'm going to hell.

The Future said...

I think you should post this entire blog in Willamette Week, the Oregonian, the Mercury, etc. I'm sure there are hundreds if not thousands who would agree with your sentiments. I pass them on the street everyday.