Thursday, December 06, 2007

My Ass

Yesterday I fell down my stairs.

I walked in...hands wet from the rain and near the bottom, my lower back landed on the edge of a single stair. I believe after that some swearing ensued.

Good news is, I've only "deeply bruised" my tailbone as opposed to breaking my back, so that's positive. Bad news is, I sit in an office all that's going to suck for the next few weeks.

The worst news is...I feel like a FOOL!

Anyway, I had to go to the Urgent Care clinic to make sure there was no crackage and I worked from home today in the classic Cleopatra-style...on my side...with slave boys hand feeding me grapes.

What's amazing about women (like me, oh how I enjoy generalizing) is their ability to still have messed up perspective on things even when they're in immense amounts of pain. I couldn't stand, I couldn't sit...I couldn't lay comfortably, and yet, here's what went down with Marie on IM today:

kara: phooey. i got weighed at the dr.s last night and almost cried. some more.
kara: seriously

Marie: i think when you bruise, you weigh more. that's my medical opinion

Marie: if you think about it, stair climbing helps you lose weight. so the opposite would be true that if you go down the stairs, you gain weight

kara: wow. how would you like to be my personal physician?

Marie: so if you fell down the stairs, you gain weight super fast

kara: NICE. yes, that has to be it. there's no other reason for it.

See? Effed up.

15 keep(s) me blogging:

Gorilla Bananas said...

That's bad luck. Not just the fall, but landing in such a way that your bone got bruised. It's one bone in your body that's well protected with flesh...not just you, people in general. Maybe what you really need right now is a hammock.

Orhan Kahn said...

One of my good friends managed to slip and slide past a bus stop and slap each person in the face as she attempted to take grasp of something steady.

She was a she.

You're all so damaged.

nic said...

She can be my doctor, too. What are her theories on unsightly water weight gain or PMS?


Mary Witzl said...

I'm wondering if Orhan Kahn above knows me, or of me. I have done this very thing. In fact, one of these days I'll have to write a blog on falling. Yours sounds painful, but nowhere near as embarrassing or spectacular as some I've been involved in.

GB is wrong about the tailbone. It sits in the middle of two great cushions, exposed, and whenever we fall, it is our first line of defense. I've cracked my coccyx more times than I care to recall, and while sitting DOES hurt, what is really awful is climbing the stairs.

Does falling really help you lose weight? Hot damn -- time to climb some more stairs; I'm hoping to get into my little black dress for our Christmas party.

ZenBoomer said...

Your theory lacks any scientific basis. Studies were done where Rhesus monkeys were pushed down a flight of stairs then weighed. A control group of monkeys were place on a sofa and made to watch Oprah reruns.

Although seriously agitated, the monkeys whose monkey butts were moderately damaged by the stairs showed no weight gain.

However, the Oprah-watching monkeys realized significant weight gain and also kept checking under the couch for bananas.

I don't remember what the question was but, science is the answer.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

No, religion is the answer. A steady diet of communion wafers for a fortnight and allelujah! All cookie sin is washed away.

Sorry about your bum, hun.

Rachel said...

Acknowledging the problem is the first step in finding a, what's the cure for "effed up"?

Kara said...

goranas - i do need a hammock that's carried by strong men up and down the stairs

or - and i wasn't even wearing heels!

nic - i'll ask her and get back to you.

mary - the stairs hurts me the most too. when i climbed this morning to leave for work, i almost started crying!

zenboomer - i see you have researched this thoroughly. bravo!

sam - i think i'd rather fall down the stairs again. (thanks for thine sympathy)

rachel - booze, of course.

Sarah said...

Marie's explanation is comforting. That's why I look great when I get ready in the morning and by the time I leave the house, I look like a whale. It's because I get ready upstairs! Duh!

Haley said...

I am loving Marie's explanation! Only if right?

Amber said...

an oxford comma is the comma before the "and" in a list. Like this:

your blog is sarcastic, witty, and makes me laugh my ass off.

see. the comma after "witty" is an oxford comma.

Susie Q said...

Sorry about the wounded rump bone. Please don't hate me for thinking it will be hilarious when you have to sit on a "pilla" shaped like a donut. (((snicker)))

AxAtlas said...

Ya know, a slinky can't go up the stairs.

Anonymous said...

Ouch, very few non-life-threatening pains are worse than a hurt butt-bone.

Your friend Marie is right, I read it in Women's Health last week. The obesity epidemic in America has wrongly been blamed on a sedentary lifestyle and fast-food obsession when in fact the problem is that people are just falling down more often.

Kara said...

sarah - see how easy life's problems are to solve?

hayley - oh no...only WHEN

amber - those are the worst commas ever! when i copy edited, those got big fat red x's on them! i hate them. but now i know the name of my enemy...this is good.

sue - i've been trying to survive without the doughnut...but i'm telling you, it's tough.

ax - nor are they obese

jackie - i will pass on that information to her. she'll be happy to discover the nation's leader in medical journals has adopted her hypothesis.