Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Tis The Season

My Coworker sent me a screenshot from a Hotmail account yesterday. He wanted me to note the banner at the top of the page. And then he sat back and waited.

This was it:

There's so much to address in this one little banner I don't know where to begin. Coworker knew where to begin. He followed the initial screenshot with a series of concerns. I've included them below for my own amusement:

Coworker's Concerns:
(4:43:08 PM) Coworker: Here are some question I have. How long does girlfriend season last?
(4:43:24 PM) Coworker: Can you use calls, decoys and/or scents?
(4:43:46 PM) Coworker: How much is a license, what's the limit?
(4:43:55 PM) Coworker: Do bow hunters get to go first?
(4:44:11 PM) Coworker: What about age limits and catch and release?
(4:45:20 PM) Coworker: Can they provide a list of taxidermists?

And here is where I address his concerns:
1. Until Spring...that's twitterpating season...time to change partners.
2. Don't use scents. Most man cologne is revolting. Cat calls are discouraged as well. As for decoys, I suggest holding a life-size cardboard cut out of Benny & Joon era Johnny Depp in front of your person.
3. You don't so much need a license as you do a budget for drinks and dinners.
4. Do they get to go first in regular hunting? Weird. Why?
5. There are age restrictions. Anything younger than 25 should be let go until they've had sufficient time in the pond.
6. Depends on how much you like being compared to Ed Gein.

There. That's settled.

Two other things. One - The Waif and I have finally recorded a CondiCast. I haven't finished editing it because I am lazy. It's total shit as the first two were (almost two years ago), but you guys can be the judge whenever I get around to posting it. I just gave you all a reason to live. You're welcome.

Two - Nick Cave is still hot at 51 and this is WITH his current skeez 'stache. That's right, I said it. I saw him Monday night for the first time and the dude played for over 2 hours. I'm still recovering. That said, I'm going to leave you with one of my favorite songs of his. The video is early 90s lame, but keep the tab open while you peruse your other blog loves and let his voice just melt over you with its hotness. You see what I did right there? That's right.

Kara OUT

19 keep(s) me blogging:

The Future said...

I'm very impressed with how you sat and waited for his commentary to follow the offensive, giving you sufficient time to gather your thoughts and be especially clever, as of course you were.

Stinkypaw said...

Like the voice, but I could do without his looks... not my type...

Gorilla Bananas said...

The banner meant the girlfriends are in season - ripe and ready for plucking. If you don't eat 'em quick the squirrels will take 'em.
I'm just imagining you in cave with a giant squirrel. You'd holler and cuss for a while, but then you'd accept your fate, put on an apron and bake a nut pie.

AxAtlas said...

ah shit! and i just declared a break from dating. damn freakin' it!
woot woot! condicast!!!! finally!...now what? what to do with my life after i hear it...i just don't know.

Old Knudsen said...

Why do Gurlfriends out of season smell like fish?

Orhan Kahn said...

Never been a fan of Nick Cave. I don't think herion has been a fan of him either.

And yes, this podcast you speak of. I demand satisfaction and delivery. Stat!

Mandy said...

Aw man, when does it get to be boyfriend season again?

*Loads gun*

Robert the Skeptic said...

Again, the (massive) generation gap has left me without comment. I don't know what is going on and I can't remember where I left my car keys, glasses... what were we talking about, again?

Woozie said...

He's not interrupting John Lennon, that's for sure. Oh I'll stand by you any day, John..

nato said...

lol..ed gein...I grew up in the town eddie made famous...my family moved to that are well after ed was in the loony bin, but my best friend from high school, his dad was babysat by eddie....even now you don't want to bring up the subject there....

Kara said...

future - well it's not like i could go anywhere. i was at work.

stinkypaw - i respect that...but yes, that voice could melt butter. if i'd been thinking i would've brought some popcorn with a few sticks to melt over it.

goranas - bestiality isn't my thing, boyo. i know, you're disappointed.

ax - you're out of season. time to get back in!

knudsen - for the same reason that fish out of season smells like fish. duh.

or - well, you're young yet. you might develop taste in time.

mandy - you know, i have NO idea. what season do you think? are they ripest in the summer?

dad - well just because you never internet dated doesn't mean you can't relate. you phone message dated. didn't they have advertisements?

woozie - i'm not sure you know what you mean. and neither do i.

nato - holy shite. i bet your friend's dad's mother felt like a LUCKY ASS FOOL when everyone found out.

Orhan Kahn said...


problemchildbride said...

Nick Cave's 51? He just gets sexier though. I love those deep male voices - Nick Cave and David Bowie and Iggy Pop and Leonard Cohen. I think we might have very similar taste in men, Kara. I remember you also liked Gary Oldman and Tim Roth, right? And Alan Rickman...
*Sam melts, thaws and resolves herself into a dew*

Sarah said...

Never heard of Nick Cave. Song didn't ring a bell. Hmmm...

I love the girlfriend season stuff though. I was with Goranas and pictured them as fruit/veggies. Picture their blonde hair popping up out of the dirt. You would pick them like carrots of course.

froelica said...

I, for one, like the idea of needing a license for girlfriend season.

Kara said...

sam - we really do and it makes me happy. like, maybe someday we'll cat fight over who get to make out with Jim Jarmusch in a dimly lit bar. exciting.

sarah - and we'd build communes filled with fields and fields of them. i feel a bad sci-fi channel movie plot coming on.

fro - hey lady! shall we make them take a test? or just pay a fee?

Little Bird said...

Someone has never heard of Nick Cave? That's a sad, sad life you live.
Kara, because it's girlfriend season, this Nick Cave song should also be featured. And yes, I'm also a sucker for chick flicks.

Rachel said...

is your cowurker a virgin? or just silly?

froelica said...

Kara- Both. And they should have to wait in long lines and fill out meaningless forms (a la Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)