Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Do NOT View This Blog On Internet Explorer.

Internet Explorer is stupid. View it on Firefox. And if you have yet to download Firefox, then hike up your acid washed jeans…pull the shrinky dinks out of the oven…turn off the Flock Of Seagulls…and drag your ass into the present.

Oh, and I’ve officially decided that I do not like swiss cheese. I have come to the conclusion that of all the cheeses, swiss cheese tastes the most like cardboard. Feel free to argue in favor…but you will not change my mind. A person needs to be firm in their beliefs.

So here’s why I’m sad. I was examining my student loan debt yesterday. I know, who does shit like that? But I was and I discovered that one of the loans I pay a hundred bucks a month on only went down by $400 in principal last year…the rest to interest. I hate you, interest. So here’s what. It’s time for a sugar daddy. I know that most women want a sugar daddy for the jewels, free cocktails and a gussied up wardrobe…but I think my needs are much more important.

Once I place my want ad, I’ll wait for the Daddy Warbucks’ of the world to come a’runnin’. And they will run. Hopefully toward me, not away. I mean, what’s sexier than buying a girl an education in exchange for the fulfillment of companionship and the occasional sexual favor? Any of you say ‘buying her breast implants’ and I’ll kick you in the shin. Seriously. I’m violent. A fact that I will not be including in the ad.

I’ve been so self absorbed lately (as well as violently ill…pity, pity, pity) that I have absolutely no idea what’s going on in the world. I hear we’re attacking Somalia. This seems useful. Well done on us. (please note sarcasm). American casualties in Iraq have now surpassed the deaths that occurred during the attack on 9/11…and Saddam has been hanged (but not before uttering “down with Persians” or something bizarre like that. what a tool). This also seems useful. Well done on us. (see above). Oh, and Tigger punched a teenager at Disneyland or World. Well done on Tigger.

13 keep(s) me blogging:

d said...

best of luck with your search. my mother gave me some advice several years ago:

marry the first time for love.
marry the second time for money. love's not worth it.

turns out she's a double-talkin' whore. she married for love the second time too. maybe third time's a charm. but you should definitely try the money thing first. get that student loan paid off, then kick him in the shin. that'll teach him.

Jill said...

Go for the Baby Swiss. It's way better, I swear. Smaller holes too.

Jennifer said...

This my friend was an extraordinarily good blog posting. It all comes down to these words: gussied up. Bravo, bravo.

Kara said...

d - jebus, i don't have time to go around falling in love like that. I have things to DO!

jill - why are the babies better? do they lose their flavor when they get older? i'm so confused.

jen - oh pooh, you just can't think of anything to comment.

Lorenzo said...

fantastic 'cause....i use ONLY and ONLY FFOX!!! ( like the Clint Eastwood you remember? ) version 2!
and....if you officially don't like swiss cheese...have you tried with ITALIAN cheese?!?!?!?!

The Future said...

I love the twists and turns, from swiss cheese (adult or baby) to you and Tigger both turning violent. Who knows, maybe the cheese brings out violent tendencies in people, maybe just talking about the cheese can make you violent, I feel a horror movie coming on, "The Attack of the Baby Cheese". Oh that doesn't work at all does it?

Gorilla Bananas said...

Forget about the Sugar Daddy idea, you'll only feel disgusting, like one of Peter Stringfellow's girlfriends. As every gorilla knows, the principal you pay off rises exponentially over the term of the loan, so it's not as bad as it looks. As for Tigger, never trust a human who dresses up like an animal.

Laura said...

So you're on a quest for a sugar daddy now, hm? Way to make it all of 15 days on New Year's Resolution #4, quite the resolve there.

And one side note on Tiggers, just for everyone's edification: the wonderful thing about Tiggers is Tiggers are wonderful things. Their tops are made out of rubber, their bottoms are made out of strings.

That is all.

Kara said...

lorenzo - I have decided that I'm going to say your name outloud at least 4 different times today...because I enjoy the sound of it. Like I even need a reason! Italian cheeses I only like grated.

future - keep your day job, lady. leave the horror movies to the professionals. but at some point soon, you should buy me lunch.

gorilla bananas - you are my new favorite person. you're blog is slaying me. in a good way. and I may feel disgusting...but I have more than just THAT student loan. desperate times and all that.

laura - the sugar daddy will be descarded once the loan is payed off, then i'll be back to looking for a healthy relationship. i also am succeeding at the 1st resolution like's been two weeks and i haven't purchased a thing. so shut it. see you sunday.

Kevin said...

I'm not allowed to put firefox on this computer (company property).

A chuisle said...

i like internet explorer so HA. And, sugar daddies are yummy.

good post, killah.

Kara said...

kevbo - i say phooey to you. there's no way your place of business has anything against must be a fibber!

macoosh - it's late and I'm drunk. on a week night. sad, i know. work should be fun tomorrow.

Orhan Kahn said...

I use a secondary browser that uses IE, aw. Don't worry, you're worth scrolling down for :)